The State Of The Union Is ... Sort Of Petulant Really, When You Think About It. A Wonket Live-Bloog.


Hello all! Whatcha doing this evening? Anything going on? Oh, it is the State of the Union, or, as we call it in momma's house, time to turn this bitch out? Hahahah, just kidding, there will be no pimping because there are no ads in January; all the ad people shot their wads in the War on Christmas. We can have traffic from here to Tuesday --thanks Google! -- and the only thing you'll be feeding is our ego.

Which is good enough for us.

So you pre-gamed? Got your slosh on? Cool. Be sure to slur hello at whatever special secret guests we've got for you tonight probably (we're guessing; usually people just kind of show up). And what have we got to serve up for now? A little bit of shittiness, just to get you in the mood.

Jesus Christ, Monica Crowley, you're mad because he is wearing a tie? And how loud would the shitstream from your facehole be if he actually weren't? CAN YOU HEAR YOU?

Only three more years of these totally sane sorts of reactions to a thoughtful and congenitally moderate center-right president and then we can all leave this long national nightmare behind with President Bobby Jindal, hooray!

You didn't actually think there was any more yet, did you? It's still like 10 minutes away.


That is not actually the prezzy. BUT HE COULD BE. What up Cool J?

Special Guest JESSE TAYLOR YOU GUYS (or as we just typed, JESSE YAYLOR!), points out that MSNBC is giving us the Obama Blair Witch Cam. Please fire that person.

9:15 p.m.: You guys, John Boehner is darker than President Obama. Like several pantone shades darker. So much. #analysis

9:17 p.m.: B. Barry starts out with all the brags, and not even humblebrags dudes. He is all like "hey CHINA, SUCK ON MY BALLS." It would be very nice to see him act like this with the Republicans too instead of being like "I am sorry I started socialism by using the Heritage Foundation's communist plan to Mao up America like a common Pol Pot."

9:20: Bamz tells a good joke: "I'm committed to making Washington work better ... and I trust you are too." A regular Henny Youngman!

9:23 p.m.: Sorry dozed off there for a minute. Here, let's look at these tweets from an actual congressman, who sits in Congress.

He seems not crazy!

9:28 p.m.: Congress, let us do some jobs! Send me some job thingies, for signing, and working, and entrepreneurs and small business owners (drink).

Let's see what Dok is drinking!

That is sad. :(

How's the comments right now? You guys good? Here is what it looks like in the chatcave:

Don't worry, Lisa knows I do not mean it. OR DOES SHE? (She does.)

9:34 p.m.: That was a nice section about climate change and the environment, and he is yelling and SERIOUS BAMZ! So that is great! Guess they pussed out on adding like HEY WEST VIRGINIA MAYBE DON'T POISON EVERYONE ALL THE TIME because that would #politicizing a #tragedy and #toosoon.

9:39 p.m.: Bamz takin' it to em. This is Fightin Bamz, our favorite Bamz! Sheeeit, now he is yelling about Equal Pay for Equal Work. Hey ladies. Sup? You know who loves this just like we ladies do? OLD HANDSOME JOE BIDEN! Stop Mad Menning all your ladies, gentles, says the prez! YELL YELL YELL AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

9:54 p.m.: Gary here, taking over for a minute while Editrix has a slice and a smoke. Bamz is now talking about a woman who could get health insurance just in time for an emergency. Wingnuts everywhere grumble and clean their guns.

9:56 p.m.: Obama now calling out the GOP on its 40+ votes to repeal the ACA. Editrix screams "He's on it tonight!" Everyone drink!

9:59 p.m.: Dad Obama lecturing the kids to stop being such dicks. Would it kill them to call their moms every once in a while?

10:00 p.m.: DDM announces in the chatcave that he has his Oboner back. Congratulations, Mrs. DDM!

10:03 p.m.: America's longest war will soon be over. We're done with the War on Christmas? Who won?

10:08 p.m.: Eric Holder happy to be clearing the terrorists out of Gitmo so he can start sending conservatives there.

10:09 p.m.: Part 2 of the live-bloog begins....NOW!

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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