The Thirteen Greatest Achievements In Throat Cramming Of 2013
Like most years when there's a Democrat in the White House, 2013 was a year of things getting rammed, crammed, jammed, shoved, and/or forced down our (America's) throats. How big were the things? So big. Were they hard to swallow? Oh yes. But somehow, freedom will endure, we guess. Here is a list of 13 tyrannies that made patriots gag in 2013:
13. The "nuclear option"
We were surprised when Harry Reid, the inscrutable yogic Shaman of the Senate, held a vote to end the filibuster for non-Supreme Court judicial nominees. For some, it was a good kind of surprise, like when you order a salad without onions and the salad comes with no onions in it (you have low standards). But for others -- specifically, those who want extremely conservative judges on the bench or none at all -- it was a "tyranny of the majority." That's a thing de Tocqueville said!
12. EPA regulations
New regulations on coal-burning power plants enacted "under false pretenses," ever-higher fuel economy standards, obstructing the Manifest Destiny of Keystone XL, and probably a bunch of other stuff too! If only Rick Perry had been able to remember that he wanted to abolish the EPA, and then went on to become president somehow, and then continued to remember what he wanted to do after he became president, and then did it, our throats would be a lot less crammed with all this environonsense.
11. Gun control
Remember how Obama personally kicked down your door and stole all your guns? Disgraceful.
10. Compact fluorescent lightbulbs
Enjoy the wasteful glow of your incandescent lightbulbs while you can, patriots, because in 2014 the aggressive phasing out of this gloriously inefficient, century-old (time-tested) technology will continue at Blitzkrieg pace. Whither Edison?
9. NSA spying
Technically, this was forced down our throats all the way back in the aughts, when we were taking a long nap after September 11th (Non-Benghazi Division), but 2013 was the year Obama Did It, which means that it's his fault. The whole reason that people voted for McCain and then Romney was so Obama could rein in the security state, and now look! He's brazenly continuing the policies of his predecessor, who kept America safe for 8 years! Whither Snowden? Oh right, he's in Russia. Poor bastard.
8. Kinda sorta prologue to a nuclear deal with Iran
Iran seems receptive to a multilateral deal that would have them formally and enforceably abandon any effort to construct a nuclear weapon. This is "treasonous," plain and simple, because Michele Bachmann said so. Sadly Michele is leaving Congress at the end of the year, with us still to be saved from the mullahs, to say nothing of the "massive Big Brother intrusion" of the anti-choice light bulb diktat lamented above!
7. Cory Booker
How dare this "New Jersey" elect a socialist Newark mafioso serial tweeter-at-strippers -- who isn't even married! -- to our United States Senate? This is a man who wants to take all our guns that Obama missed the first time around, even the ones we really like!
6. Blue Virginia
Democrats swept all three statewide offices in Virginia for the first time since 1989, so you know something fishy was going on -- and doubly so because this was after Republicans purged some 40,000 undesirables from the voting rolls! Come on, there is no way that E. W. Jackson wasn't a Democrat infiltrator false flag stooge.
5. A budget
The bipartisan budget agreement reached in December (the "Fuck Federal Workers and the Unemployed Yet Again Act") was clearly intolerable by virtue of the fact that Democrats agreed to it, but in case you're unsure, the Club for Growth will tell you what to think: "Smoke and mirrors," bluster grumble harumph harumph harumph! RINO-in-Chief John Boehner put the final nail in Freedom's coffin when he was mean to Club for Growth and other organizations that exist solely to collect money and personal information from angry old people.
4. Slightly higher taxes on the wealthy
Whichever debt limit crisis we had last December was resolved with a deal that raised taxes on the wealthy by a little less than 5%, and then the economy was decimated, remember that? Gosh, that was a nefarious plan by Obama -- first, he spends all the money that Congress told him to spend, then he forces Congress to decide not to raise the debt ceiling unless Obama does something (we forget what but it was probably something utterly necessary and reasonable), and then, right when Congress has been backed all the way to the ledge of the "fiscal cliff," he averts the crisis by signing a law Congress passed! The nerve!
3. The shutdown
Yet another thing that Obama forced Congress to do, by being a Democrat. You might think Ted Cruz was the one most responsible for the shutdown, but let Ted Cruz disabuse you of that notion: it was #HarryReidsShutdown! And you'd have to be a real doofus to believe that Harry Reid wasn't acting on orders from The Articulate and Clean One.
2. Gay marriage
Oh our God. So much gay marriage was rammed down our throats in 2013 that we will have glitter in our colons for the rest of our natural lives -- as if life can ever again be called "natural" when two-penised or multi-vaginad couples are permitted to enter legal arrangements under which they will pay taxes at hetero rates.
July 4, 1776 - January 20, 2013
Which brings us to...
As John McCain astutely noted, the 2012 election was our last, best chance to amputate the gangrenous limb of Obamacare, the pre-existing condition that was preventing this country from renewing our policy of Greatness. Now we are stuck with it. It will dangle putridly at our sides, insuring millions of people, and forcing all of us healthies to underwrite the "life-saving medical care" that poor people now think they're entitled to. George Washington was able to win the Revolutionary war and invent the electric toothbrush without even once regulating the insurance industry, but don't tell that to Obama!
Ow, our esophagi!
Those are our picks for 2013's Greatest Achievements in Throat Cramming, what are yours? Ew! Put that away NOW. Jesus.
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