The Time My Dad Compared Himself To Nelson Mandela In The Only Possible Acceptable Way To Compare Oneself To Nelson Mandela
He was in jail (my dad). And I wouldn't bail him out because fuck that. And my mom said she didn't realize I was so cold and hard-hearted and I was really sad, but I I didn't see her bailing him out, and anyway it was like a thousand bucks and I was unemployed. So. He gets out of jail and I am feeling guilty and like a mean hardhearted woman, which I do not like to be, and I say "Dad! How was jail!"
And he says, "It was wonderful!"
He was 70, and very frail (he'd recently woken from his three-month coma), and there was nowhere for him to sit down for the first 24 hours of his long jail weekend.
But, he thought to himself, "If Nelson Mandela could survive 30 years in prison, then surely I am one-one-thousandth the man he is." And he stood tall and strong.
And then he saw a bunch of old clients and they were all like "Jer! It's you! You saved our lives you are so great and whatnot please be the boss of us," and he was the old man boss of the jail, very George Bluth, and everyone was nice to him, and he was happy, a proud strong man, at least one-one-thousandth Nelson Mandela.
The End, and Godspeed.
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.