Donate

The UPS/FedEx Terror Parcels: What You Need To Know

News

For decades, the nation's dogs have known something was up with those UPS and FedEx deliveries -- and now the frightened, collapsing empires of the West are realizing our canine friends might have had the right idea all along. Perhaps it wasn't so "crazy" after all when they hurled themselves against the chain link or front door every time they saw the United Parcel delivery truck with its suspiciously Arabic logo, or the ominous "Ex" after "Fed" -- a code only our brave and humble four-legged friends could decode as "Ex-United States." But enough about shit-eating dogs being 100× smarter than any American human. Now that we're in crisis mode, it's time to announce the U.S. Plan of Action.


If you've still got a job, you'll want to immediately appoint yourself "Team Leader" and quickly go through your office or warehouse, gathering all parcels and packages. Put these safely in the dumpster right away! You can alert the Terror Police by posting an ad on Craigslist using the secret code "Free Stuff."

Once you're home, however, you must be even more diligent against the threat of parcels. Print as many copies of this handy guide as you can carry home without using a box, and for god's sake do it today, because all the printer cartridges will soon run out and we won't be getting any more of those:

Never forget.

$
Donate with CC
$
Donate with CC
Photo: GoFundMe

Well, goddamn it, a wonderful person we'd never heard of until last night is dead. Lyra McKee was 29, an investigative journalist who specialized in looking at the legacy of "the Troubles" in Northern Ireland. She was murdered by someone shooting at police during rioting in Derry, or perhaps Londonderry, depending on who you want to piss off by using either name for the city. The rioting broke out after police "started carrying out searches in the area because of concerns that militant republicans were storing firearms and explosives" in advance of attacks planned to mark the anniversary of the 1916 Easter Rising. Police are blaming the violence and McKee's death on the "New Irish Republican Army," a radical republican group formed a few years ago from several smaller groups. Despite the name, the group has no ties to the old Provisional Irish Republican Army, which renounced violence and disarmed in 2005 following the 1998 Good Friday Agreement, which was supposed to have brought peace to Northern Ireland, and kind of did, at least much of the time.

McKee is being remembered by colleagues and readers as a promising journalist who was expected to go far. A year ago, McKee signed a two-book deal with Faber & Faber; the first of the books, The Lost Boys, an investigation of eight young men who disappeared in Belfast during the Troubles in the '60s and '70s, will be published next year. A 2016 Forbes profile said "McKee's passion is to dig into topics that others don't care about." For instance, CNN reports, McKee spent five years investigating a story about the only rape crisis center in Northern Ireland and its long struggle to regain funding after the government eliminated it.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc