The Wonkette Empire Strikes Back
About a year and a half ago, we bought this here #WARBLOG that is currently getting pixels all over your hands, and changed it into a mommyblog and recipe hub. It's how we do! THERE WILL BE NICE TIME, MOTHERFUCKERS. But then, we read a bunch of dumb articles about how Buzzfeed got like a thousand trillion dollars in VC funds, and also we went to the Vice offices for a meeting once and they had 600 employees -- and that was before Rupert Murdoch bought a fat stake in it and we all discovered that Vice is now valued at $1.4 billion, or five and a half Washington Posts. And we started to wonder, where is our empire? Why have we not yet annexed the Sudetenland?
So we asked you slobs for money, and you sent us a bunch, and we bought Doktor Zoom, but there was still more money and we felt guilty about getting rich off you dumb losers, so we went and bought Snipy too. (Even though it turned out that you then mostly stopped sending us money. Hahaha, joke is on us.)
Well, Snipy starts Monday. And just as Dok is our "managing editor" here at your Wonket (in charge of pony pictures and coming in on the weekend), Snipy will be the managing editor at our new shebang, happynicetimepeople.com, which is NOT a stupid URL, fuck you. And we are coming to Boston to launch this sucker, oh, right about September 14.
So what will happynicetimepeople.com be? It will be teevee and movies and music and culture and sideboob! It will have "good" "writing" in it, from all the "good" "writers" we have met over -- Jesus -- 22 years in newspapers and shit. It will not be a #warblog, unless we decide to march on the Atlantic Wire. It will be mostly nice! And there will not be dumb fucking jerkoff earnest thumb-twiddlers about Miley Cyrus's manifold sins. There will be smart fucking jerkoff non-earnest thumb-twiddlers about Miley Cyrus's manifold sins!
Ask us: Do we have a business plan? Hahahahahaha, you are hilarious. Business plans are for capitalists. We have a vague goal of "make enough money to pay Snipy and some freelance," which we will do through the shilling of corporate interests. You come into this by visiting our little page, with your valuable eyeballs, and spreading the word to the eyeballs of your presumably equally valuable friends.
So. The party. We will have our launch party in Boston Sat., Sept. 14. I will be there, and am also importing Doktor Zoom and Snipy from the wilds of Boise and Minneapolis, respectively, for the occasion. (This is why you should not give us money. Everytime you do, we blow it on parties and plane tickets instead of making proper #war.) Where is it? We do not know! But maybe someplace fancy! And we will be wearing this crazy dress! And by "we," we mean we and Doktor Zoom. Snipy, to our knowledge, only wears bow ties and boat shoes.
We are pretty sure there will be a hula hooper also, because fuck yeah.
So join us, Bostoners, and people within a reasonable drive of Boston! We shall give you booze and hugs. And maybe a hula hooper. Now, could you all please stop volunteering to be Sideboob editor? We've heard it already, Jesus Christ.
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.