These GOP Candidates Suck But Aren’t Terrible Enough To Beat Marjorie Taylor Greene
The GOP is on track to reclaim the House of Representatives this fall — solely because I typed those words and no other reason — but several Republicans from Georgia’s 14th District feel they are better suited to gnaw on the bones of democracy than Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene.
These responsible Republicans confronted the incumbent insurrectionist at the GOP primary debate this weekend. It was like a bad action movie where fellow assassins try to take out a rogue assassin and just get their asses handed to them. See, Greene’s challengers believe Georgia Republicans want a different type of lawmaker. This theory is not rooted in any observable behavior from these voters. Recent polls show Greene with 60 percent approval within her district.
Greene’s primary opponents used the debate as an opportunity to convince voters they could have a far-right Donald Trump flunky but without all the overt bigotry and aggressive cruelty. The pitch is similar to the Eddie Murphy routine about how his mother claimed she could make him a burger just like McDonald’s. The 14th district voters likely looked at Greene’s less flagrantly batshit competitors and declared, “This ain’t McDonald’s.”
The relentlessly boring Jennifer Strahan declared: “I will maintain my conservative values and I will also get results, because you do not have to sacrifice effectiveness for conservative values.”
Lady, Greene’s constituents don’t want anything so prosaically constructive as “results.” They want to ban queer-making books and critical race theory. They’d also love a pointless but demeaning impeachment of both President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris. They want someone like Greene who’ll go on Steve Bannon’s show and rant about Satanic priests and pedophile-infested public schools. Strahan is auditioning for very serious conservative commentator on MSNBC. She probably hasn’t even attended an insurrection, like a poseur.
Here’s Greene shouting over the Lilly Pulitzer prize who wants to unseat her.
At the GA-14 Republican primary debate today, Marge Greene and Jennifer Strahan had a heated exchange which resulted in the moderator cutting Greene\u2019s mic because she wouldn\u2019t stop talking.pic.twitter.com/TwBl3ekoHd— Ron Filipkowski \ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6 (@Ron Filipkowski \ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\udde6) 1651439846
Former cop Seth Synstelien also tried valiantly to remind voters that Greene is useless.
"No bill you've authored has passed and you have no committee power to advocate for this district without resorting to rhetoric about Democratic bogeymen, Biden and the woke Left," Synstelien said. "Answer this: can you tell us one or two specific objectives that affect our wallets that you can actually pass, and explain how you plan to get it done, without being guaranteed a committee assignment?"
This is simultaneously true and stupid. Democrats stripped Greene of her committee assignments. All but 11 Republicans stood by their Manson family member, and GOP Leader Kevin McCarthy’s made clear that Greene will have her pick of committees to ruin once Republicans are in control.
Lifelong 14th District resident James Haygood, a railroad professional, lamented the nation’s polarization and claimed both parties are guilty of neglecting the middle class. This is some ripe Joe Manchin-level dreck. Republican voters are happy to see Democrats stuck with an electoral Jar Jar Binks in their ranks, but they prefer to fill their own team with vicious Sith Lords.
HAYGOOD: You don't have to give up your values, but at some point you're going to have to agree with the Democrats to get something done. We're living in a country now that you have the Marjorie Greenes and the AOCs, and the people in the middle, they've gotten lost
Someone should check on Haygood to see if his car has exploded since the debate. Meanwhile, Greene seemed like the only candidate present who’s aware that Greene is driving the new GOP. She naturally accused any Republican who’d consider working with Democrats of treason, but not the cool kind that she’s popularized. She said there’s a Civil War waging within the GOP between MAGA and RINOs. However, the original Civil War lasted four years. This one barely made it four months before the white flags were waving.
University of Phoenix graduate Eric Cunningham tried to keep up with the founding GOP sedition caucus member and said he wouldn’t have certified Biden’s victory, clearly agreeing with Greene’s baseless lies about the “incredible amounts of voter fraud” in the election that sent her dumb ass to Congress.
Synstelien grudgingly admitted Biden won the election, and Strahan said, “Joe Biden is our president” — not the president but our president. She’ll probably come in last.
Greene is scheduled to mop the floor with these chumps on May 24, provided she’s legally able to appear on the ballot.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."