They Gave Us Head (First in a Series)

In these final hours of the campaign, you will be seeing a lot of the candidates. But you will be seeing even more of their surrogates. But how to tell all the white men apart (even when they're women)? Wonkette presents a field guide to the spinmeisters. In this issue: Zell Miller, Rudy Guiliani, Chad Clanton, and Stephanie Cutter.


Head: Zell Miller, "Democratic" senator from Georgia

Plays for: Bush-Cheney

Is on TV Because: Sold out his party.

Specialty: Making Cheney seem cautious and reassuring

Distinguishing Characteristic: Barks like a mad dog, duels

In One Month Is Likely to Be . . . Clawing at Karl Rove's door, muttering, "Remember me, Karl? Remember the Garden?"

Head: Rudy Guiliani, America's mayor

Plays for: Bush-Cheney

Is on TV Because: Post-9/11, was more presidential than the actual president

Specialty: Scaring you, in a nice way

Distinguishing Characteristic: Unafraid to lisp, thick New York accent, occasionally veers wildly, amusingly off talking points

In One Month Is Likely to Be . . . Running for president.

Head: Chad Clanton, professional Texan

Plays for: Kerry-Edwards, senior advisor

Is on TV Because: Closest to the door

Specialty: Wild McAuliffe-like assertions -- "Sinclair, they better hope we don't win."

Distinguishing Characteristic: At height of partisan bickering, will stop to hit on BC04 operative.

In One Month Is Likely to Be . . . Re-telling the story about how he asked out Millerwise, polishing clip reel in Carville's Virginia office.

Head: Stephanie Cutter, professional woman

Plays for: Kerry-Edwards, communications director

Is on TV Because: Did we mention she's a woman?

Specialty: Only staffer willing to spin for Kerry back in December, doling out information with the finesse of the DMV

Distinguishing Characteristic: Mostly shows up on morning shows these days

In One Month Is Likely to Be . . . Hitting Kerry talking points about why they'll win the recount in Cuyahoga county.


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