They Gave Us Head (Fourth in a Series)

So many talking heads! So little time! Wonkette presents an entirely confused field guide to the spinmeisters.


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Head: Karen Hughes, GWB alter ego

Plays for: Bush-Cheney

Is on TV Because: Bookers still think she's a man

Specialty: Serving as Mistress of Discipline in the Bush entourage

Distinguishing Characteristic: Makes Mary Matalin seem like a warm, matronly type.

In One Month Is Likely to Be . . . Baking cookies. Arsenic cookies.

Head: Bob Shrum, boss man

Plays for: Kerry-Edwards, himself

Is on TV Because: Twenty years later, still trading on that "dream shall never die speech."

Specialty: The first person to ever chew through an entire pack of Nicorette in one "Meet the Press" sitting.

Distinguishing Characteristic: Everyone hates him.

In One Month Is Likely to Be . . . Plotting to get someone fired from the White House.

Head: Liz Cheney, the not-gay one.

Plays for: Bush-Cheney

Is on TV Because: Speaks in complete sentences, mostly. Also not gay.

Specialty: Reminds people that Dick Cheney has successfully reproduced and is thus capable of human affection in some form. Easily offended.

Distinguishing Characteristic: Did we mention she's not gay?

In One Month Is Likely to Be . . . Redecorating the Cheney summer home to resemble the "undisclosed location" dad grew so fond of.

Head: Howard Wolfson, Atkins spokesperson

Plays for: Kerry-Edwards, DNC

Is on TV Because: Cutter unable to stop him.

Specialty: Disarming right-wing interlocutors with snaggle-tooth grin, laughing at their jokes. Turns vicious and deadly at the drop of a hat.

Distinguishing Characteristic: Mentions "Fortunate Son" every five minutes or so.

In One Month Is Likely to Be . . . Fetching Feldman coffee.

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