They May Take Nicki Minaj's Cousin's Friend's Balls, But They'll Never Take Tucker Carlson's Freedom

The actual Politico Playbook, not some kind of parody version of it that Wonkette might invent, wrote this morning that "Nicki Minaj said she received an invite from the White House to talk about her cousin's friend's testicles" — and she did say that — but that the White House denies this, explaining that what they offered Minaj is a phone call. Telemedicine about her cousin's friend's testicles? Dr. Fauci gonna make Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend hold 'em up to the Zoom so he can get a good look at whether dude's got a case of the Vax Nuts? Not quite. Playbook writes that "a White House official told our Alex Thompson that they just offered to connect Minaj to talk to one of their doctors about the safety and effectiveness of the vaccine."

So that's one update for the Tucker Carlson Is Worried About Nicki Minaj's Cousin's Friend's Balls Report this morning.

Let's check with Tucker and see how he's holding up.

Watch the latest video at <a href=""></a>

In the clip above, Tucker begins by tossing to a Fox reporter who did a package (haha "package") on Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls, how Minaj said they're allegedly very swollen because of vaccines, and how everybody is doing "censorship" to these science facts. It included Minaj complaining that she was in Twitter jail (Twitter says she was not) just for saying what she'd heard about her cousin's friend's balls, and what the vaccine MAY have done to them. It's all ... quite frankly it's all getting out of hand. (Because those balls are too big to hold in a mere human hand!)

About halfway through the clip above, it was Tucker's turn to talk again, and he had this PSA:

TUCKER: You can't allow people to force you to take drugs that you don't want or that you don't need. It's up to you what drugs you take. Period. And if you allow people to force you to take drugs you don't want, you're done. They own you. You're no longer free. Period.


Tucker then brought on Lara Logan to get her take on the story, because that's how much credibility this story has. Logan said words like "Marxist surrender," because she's a really serious person. (Remember we are talking about the COVID vaccine, and whether it makes balls big like the Goodyear blimp.) She said she had just spoken to James O'Keefe of Project Veritas for some reason, we dunno, stopped listening, but Lara Logan hanging with that dork is pretty on brand. The entire segment just had this really somber tone to it, like first they came for Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls, but I was not Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls, so I stayed silent, etc.

LARA LOGAN: This is really the moment to unite. Because we're seeing is that these issues were never about Left and Right. They're about right and wrong and good and evil and there's nothing more threatening to them than saying you're going to pray for something.

TUCKER: It's totally true! This isn't even about vaccines, or about COVID! It's about your dignity! And if they can force you to violate your own conscience, to put something in your body you don't want, you are done, you have no more dignity, they control you, and that's why they're so insistent on doing it.

They might take Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls, but they'll never take our freedom!

Do they even know what they are talking about at this point, and do they actually realize it is still Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls?

This is the world where we live now.

We hear Colbert was pretty durn funny about this whole thing last night, take a look:

[h/t Joe.My.God]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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