Hark! The Herald Alien Sings! Glory to the Newborn Dingbats!


Welcome once more to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly compendium of hoaxers, fraudsters, and collected nutjobs too loony for the asylums but just loony enough for primetime. Let's waste no time because we have a schedule to keep. The great extraterrestrial menace is approaching, ye mortals. The time for global consciousness transcendence is nigh. Fly, you fools, into the arms of our awaiting savior, Ike Eisenhower's great-granddaughter.

Alien-Vegan Presidential Descendant Proves Every Family Has A Roger Clinton

Today in tales of woo and mystery, we take a look at Laura Eisenhower, a clairvoyant, psychic, and intuitive astrologist who proves that sometimes greatness skips a couple generations before giving up and jumping off a bridge.

Laura is the great-granddaughter of former President-type person Dwight Eisenhower, America's favorite crotchety old grampappy and the last member of that ancient Lincolnian tribe known as "Republican." (Much like the Italian kings of yore claiming the title of Carolingian Emperor, today's Republicans are but pale, dickless poseurs.) As part of his parting "fuck you, bitches, I'm outskie" tour, President Eisenhower delivered Americans a warning against the military industrial complex, the very real confluence of big business and government forces with a vested interest in exploiting the mechanisms of war. Laura, much like her illustrious ancestor, also too fights against pernicious forces which seek to control our world. Her enemies just happen to fall a little bit closer on the reality spectrum to Reverse Vampires and President Herman Cain.

Laura believes in extraterrestrial forces. Well, perhaps "believe" is too weak. Laura is in constant communication with extraterrestrial forces, and she sat down with Vice Magazine to tell their readers how they too can come into contact with what she calls "sky beings." Laura actually runs a workshop on making contact with these beings, and explained to Vice that the key to attuning yourself to these cosmic freeloaders is to eat organic food and drink plenty of water (the fact that Laura runs an organic food delivery company is coincidence, we're sure).

Here, let's take a gander at a video of Laura in action to learn a little more about her process. Watch and feel your eyes glaze over as she details the UFO coverup, the Annunaki, the hollow earth, mind control, HAARP, and the Draco Reptilian invasion that has already taken place:

TL;DW, everything is mind control to pave the way for alien extradimensionals.

But back to the interview: Laura makes a detour to explain that even though she talks non-stop about aliens, they aren't necessarily aliens, but could be aliens, fairies, elves, or angels -- they're all the same in the Twilight fanfic she's apparently writing.

We have to understand that we are multi-dimensional beings and -- based on our frequency, perceptions, and our vibratory levels that we are functioning from -- we are going to see different things. It is not always going to be things that other people are capable of seeing. A sky being can also be sylphs. These help eat up the chemtrails in the sky. Sky beings are elemental.

It's good to know these imaginary beings are cleaning up the imaginary chemtrails to help our imaginary problems. According to Laura, the goal of these mythical chemtrails is to link us up to a "artificial intelligence system," but if we use her special vegetarian alchemy magic we can use different physics, kind of like donning a green power ring instead of a yellow one:

The stuff that is being sprayed in the sky to make it rain falls down to the ground and into our water. However, when we expand our consciousness, we are working with different physics and therefore transcend to create alchemy. It is a matter of paying attention to your frequency and vibration, so we can assimilate and alchemize these toxic energies.

If you haven't picked up yet, Laura is more than a bit coocoo for Cocoa Puffs, which is a perfect trait for her career field of...um...uh? You know what? Let's have Laura explain her "job" for us herself, because fuck us if we can figure out what it is:

Laura is a Intuitive Astrologist, Global Alchemist, Cosmic Mythologist and is the great-granddaughter of Dwight David Eisenhower. She is on a profound mission to reveal our true origins connected with the 'Magdalene' and 'Gaia-Sophia' energies of love and wisdom and works to liberate us from the Military Industrial Complex, the Archonic systems and false power structures.. These forces connect many dots that are coming into our awareness, now more than ever, as our solar system aligns with the Galactic plane.

There we go. Perfectly clear.

She is also a Whistleblower and has been speaking out about being recruited to go to a Colony on Mars that represented a time-line that she refused to go along with.

Hear that, Annunaki? Laura wasn't about to be part of your next Quantum Leap to set right what once went wrong. They probably wanted her to leap into the timeline of Lee Harvey Oswald or something, and everyone knows that episode was just weird.

She has been able to uncover some necessary truths and agendas that humanity is being kept in the dark about and lectures and does workshops on these issues along with topics such as Global Alchemy, Christ-Sophia, Sacred Union, ET races, Esoteric Cosmology, the Positive Time-line and seeks to empower the individual so that harmony can be restored.

Laura also claims to have the power to invoke miracles through her powers of intuitive astrology and global alchemy (pro-tip: "intuitive" is the woo term for "made up on the spot" which means her astrology is only marginally less verified than regular astrology). The "miracles" Laura lists on her website sound quite mundane if we're to be frank. She claims to have given herbal remedies and "bioenergetic treatments" (hell if we know) to people, and that she once helped a homeless woman recover from liver disease. We notice she didn't help that homeless woman become un-homeless, but take your victories where you can. Some of her miracles dip into the more esoteric, if by esoteric we mean not real. She claims to have healed mass epidemics and rescued people from natural disasters through her...power? It isn't clear. What matters is that SHE believed she helped, and for white people that makes all the difference.

Then there's this shit:

[Laura] has suddenly manifested the exact amount of money needed for a threatening situation

A mugger asked her for a twenty and she just happened to have a twenty.

[She] has spontaneously turned alcohol into water, which was publicly recognized

She's like reverse Jesus: all the condescension but none of the parties.

We'll depart our presidential offspring for today, though no doubt we'll hear from Laura again. After all, we'll soon be seeing the fruits of her labor when the great dimensional Stargate portal opens up over the earth in the prophesied year of 2012, which should be coming up in...oh dear.

Anti-Vaccine Film Coming To A Theater Near Some!

Last week, we told you about Robert De Niro pushing in and eventually pushing out Vaxxed, an anti-vaccine film, from his Tribeca Film Festival. Turns out there's a big public backlash when you give a proven fraud like Andrew Wakefield a free stage to harm babies. Whodathunk?

Wakefield claimed censorship and persecution, two words that do not describe a film being refused access to a festival venue. Thankfully the film's distributor, Cinema Libre Studio, has decided to foist this abomination once again upon the public by announcing a limited release in theaters. Cinema Libre, however, does not want you to think they're advocating the things the film is saying. Heavens no!

Philippe Diaz, chairman of Cinema Libre, said in a telephone interview on Wednesday that his company had decided to rush the film to theaters to counter the impression that it or its filmmaker was anti-vaccine. “Nobody in their normal mind today could be anti-vaccine. That’s absurd,” he said.

What a touching statement, Mr. Diaz. Did it take your lawyers all night to write it?

Fortunately it seems that not many theaters are too eager to have this garbage on their screens. So far only the only theater that has agreed to screen the film is the Angelika Film Center in New York, and only for seven screenings, though as David Wilson, founder of the documentary True/False Film Festival points out, that's six more screenings than they would have had at Tribeca, which should say something about the filmmakers' supposed "censorship." Quoth Wilson: "Censorship is denying a voice. That film has been denied a platform, but it certainly hasn’t been denied a voice."

We will end our coverage of the sad tale of Vaxxed by noting that it had its first screening on April Fool's Day, and there's not much more we can say about that.

[VICE / Cosmic Gaia 2012 / New York Times / The Guardian]

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