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Bipartisan unity was at last achieved in these United States on Wednesday after the Grey Lady, the paper of record, suggested something so horrifying that every God-fearing, patriotic American recoiled in disgust, fear and also more disgust. The Times suggested that, this 4th Of July weekend, we ought to all be putting PEAS in our guacamole. Read this blasphemous poppycock:


Adding fresh English peas to what is an otherwise fairly traditional guacamole is one of those radical moves that is also completely obvious after you taste it. The peas add intense sweetness and a chunky texture to the dip, making it more substantial on the chip. They also intensify the color of the green avocado — and help the guacamole stay that way.

It's completely obvious! Why didn't any of us idiots think of it before? Because we all have that problem, where we're looking at our guacamole and saying "it's just not GREEN ENOUGH, won't somebody think of the GREEN?"

Shut that shit down, Mr. President:

And we said "bipartisan," so shut that shit down, Jeb Bush:

And Jeb Bush knows how to make guacamole, because he is an Hispanic voter.

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More bipartisan condemnation comes from the Texas GOP:

WAR ON TEXAS. And this time, at least it's a legitimate war, and not all that Jade Helm bullcrap they've been front-loading their pants over.

The people have spoken! We expect the Times to issue one of their famous corrections on this. "We are sorry, for we are coastal elitists and didn't actually know what guacamole was, or that it was sacred food of the gods. We will stop being a newspaper right now, out of embarrassment."

For the record, here is a list of things that don't belong in guacamole:

  • Nutella
  • Car keys
  • Your gross backwash after you already ate half your tortilla chip, but you were too dumb to PLAN AHEAD and get enough guac to last an entire chip, so there you go, dipping your gross herpes mouthsex diseases into our table's nice guacamole?
  • Oh, we're sleeping together? Well we guess we already got your herpes, DIP AWAY.
  • The Official Wonkette baby, EVEN IF SHE IS DRESSED AS A BURRITO and looks oh-so-tasty. You cannot dip her into the guacamole:
  • Racism. Ain't nobody got time for that.
  • Your salty-tears, because you are so sad about gay marriage being crammed down your Good Christian throat. If guacamole is made correctly, you don't need to add salt!
  • Peas

[New York Times / Today via The Hill]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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