This Is My United States of Whatever

I Am A Loyal Klansman - WonketteWhat will happen tomorrow? BBQ horrors? Terrorist frisbee rings? Fireworks set entire Western United States ablaze? Everybody in Texas finally drowns? We don't know, yet, but we do know July 4 has traditionally been a day of misery and gloom. Let's turn back the rancid pages of Fourth of July History:

* "In 1881, the chief of police banned all fireworks in Washington, D.C., due to the shooting of President Garfield."

* "In 1942, fireworks in most cities were canceled due to World War II blackouts."

* "There would be floats in the morning and the one that got the [girls?] eye was the Goddess of Liberty. She was supposed to be the most wholesome and prettiest girl in the countryside -- if she wasn't she had friends who thought she was. But the rest of us weren't always in agreement on that...Following the float would be the Oregon Agricultural College cadets, and some kind of a band. Sometimes there would be political effigies."

* "Just before lunch -- and we'd always hold lunch up for an hour -- some Senator or lawyer would speak. These speeches always had one pattern. First the speaker would challenge England to a fight and berate the King and say that he was a skunk."

* "A great barbecue and picnic dinner would be served; candidates for military, state, and national offices would speak; hard liquor would flow; and each section would present its 'bully of the woods' in a contest for champion in a fist and skull fight. Butting, biting, eye gouging, kicking, and blows below the belt were barred. It was primitive prize fighting."

* On July 4, 1826, both John Adams and Thomas Jefferson dropped dead!

* And on the Fourth of July, 1918, both Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren were born. What are the odds?!

* "Five years ago: A gunman opened fire at Israel's El Al airline ticket counter at Los Angeles International Airport; three people were killed, including the gunman."


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