Thomas Jefferson Cosplay Will Not Save Your Job

  • Remember when we told you about one Ira Dennis Hawver Esquire JD, who appeared before the Kansas Supreme Court dressed up as Thomas Jefferson? And no, he wasn't kidding. He was there to beg the court not to disbar him for being a terrible, awful THE WORST lawyer, and he figured if his words didn't sway the court, surely the wig would. (How terrible? Terrible enough to admit that he didn't even bother trying to appropriately defend his client facing the death penalty, because he didn't understand how cell phones work. So instead, he tried to reverse-psychology the jury by claiming his client was SO badass, if he had killed anyone, he would have killed off any witnesses too. Ergo, innocent!) Turns out, despite ye olde costume, the court was unpersuaded:

    The Kansas Supreme Court recently voted unanimously to disbar Hawver for what the court called “inexplicable incompetence.” [...]

    The Kansas Supreme Court agreed, unanimously ruling to disbar. Hawver said earlier this year, however, he wasn’t really sweating losing his license because he was planning on leaving the legal profession anyway in order “to devote his time to growing vegetables in an aquaponics garden.” “I don’t think practicing law is productive,” he said.

    No, certainly not the way he does it. Best of luck with the gardening though.

  • Rep. John Dingell for the win -- again:

  • Stay weird, Seattle:

    This is what Thanksgiving in Seattle looks like, apparently.

    Seattle Mayor Ed Murray pardoned a tofu turkey Friday.

    Murray posed for photos with the phony fowl at City Hall to draw attention to “hunger in our community” ahead of Thanksgiving and the holiday season, spokesman Jason Kelly said. [...]

    “The mayor has a sense of humor,” Kelly said. “He wanted to do something that would attract attention.”

    Added Kelly, “He was also poking fun at himself as a public official. Seattle has a reputation around the country for being a little bit ‘granola.’”

  • Even the New York Timesfalls for "satire" sites:

    An earlier version of this column was published in error. That version included what purported to be an interview that Kanye West gave to a Chicago radio station in which he compared his own derrière to that of his wife, Kim Kardashian. Mr. West’s quotes were taken, without attribution, from the satirical website The Daily Currant. There is no radio station WGYN in Chicago; the interview was fictitious, and should not have been included in the column.

  • GQ's list of the least influential people of 2014 is a fun read:

    14. Benny Johnson

    Think about how hard it is to plagiarize when you're a writer for BuzzFeed. How do you plagiarize shit for a post called "10 Ways America Is Still Number One"? Is it really so hard to think of reasons why we're number one? Food trucks. There ya go.

  • When hermit crabs become our new overlords, don't say you weren't warned:

    Seriously, HERMIT CRABS FORM ORDERLY QUEUES. In height order. To more efficiently trade shells.

  • Looking for the latest bewb tube shenanigans and snarky recaps of your favorite teevee shows? Go show some love to our gone-but-not-forgotten kid sister Happy Nice Time People. And be sure to follow Happy Nice Time People on Twitter.

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