Thursdays With Tina: Beyond the Wall of Noise Edition

Wonkette's weekly service to our readers: Translating Tina Brown's Thursday column in the Washington Post. We understand it so that you don't have to.

Tina saysWhat it means
Doesn't it seem like a hundred years ago that the Ashley Smith/"Purpose Driven Life" hurricane hit? Actually, that pre-Easter salvation epiphany of Brian Nichols in Smith's Atlanta apartment had us by the throat only a couple of weeks ago. I know it sounds crazy, but I swear this is true! Geraldo Rivera reached right out of my TV set and started wringing my neck like it was a dirty dish towel!
It's become downright harrowing to live in the crucible of these hourly Passion plays. After I escaped from Geraldo, I hid in my shoe closet. Somehow, I locked myself in.
Only after a full 10 days had passed since the removal of Schiavo's feeding tube did it feel safe to crawl out from under the avalanche and see what else might be happening in the world. For the last two weeks, I've survived on nothing but Altoids and rat droppings.
Mainstream media types spend a lot of time complaining to each other that you can't get real news anywhere anymore. Every time I run into Pat O'Brien somewhere, he's like, "So have you read The New Media Monopoly yet? That book is so fucking hot! I want suck that book's tits!"
(When I started my own humble talk show on CNBC I had visions of long, earnest discussions of literature. Now I bark, "Twenty minutes on William Blake? How about five on Robert Blake.") Seriously, I bark. Like a hyena in estrus. Sometimes I even set off car alarms!

My electronic news tastes, I realize, have become hopelessly depraved -- and there's no going back. It started innocently enough. A quick peek at, just to see what Kurt Andersen was raving about. Then, stronger stuff. I'm completely addicted!
Network news bosses still feel the need to pretend they are committed to the integrity of information...[Jonathan Klein's] first big move was to replace the boringly useful Headline News updates with the snorting victims-avenger babe Nancy Grace. It's working, too.. Ha! I just cited Headline News as an example of old-fashioned, integrity-rich information! Those rat droppings are driving me mad!
We go panting after the 25-to-54 demographic and the networks panic if a show devoted to foreign affairs or the world of ideas pulls down the ratings for a lousy hour or two. I know, I know. There are 7-11 security cameras out-Nielsening Topic A With Tina Brown. But, hello?! I've been trapped in a closet for the last two weeks! Even Carson would be slipping!
God forbid, so to speak, that anyone should stand up and suggest that Mozart might be as worthwhile as NASCAR, or that it might be as important for the soul to read Philip Roth as the hokey bromides of "The Purpose Driven Life." Originally, I was planning to do a show called Topic W with Tina Brown -- the stuff hardly anyone was talking about. Then I realized McEnroe had beat me to the punch.

Information junkies prospect on the Web for what they want to know. Remember when information junkies were stuck with what I wanted them to know? Those days ruled!
As our eyes are exclusively focused on a hospice in Florida or an apartment in Atlanta, you wonder uneasily: What's going on beyond that wall of noise? Help! Hellllllppppp! It's me, Tina Brown! I'm trapped inside my shoe closet! Harold! Geraldo! Anyone? Get me out of here! I'm supposed to be interviewing Jose Canseco about Die Zauberfl

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