Thursdays with Tina: I'm So Glad You Have a Sense of Humor About This Edition

Hey, we did it on time this week!

TinaSpeakWhat it means
Everyone has trashed the soporific Oscar show this year, but what can you expect from the new tippy-toe culture in which no one can risk being controversial?Talk was too controversial to survive. (Hey, that's a good one. Must remember it for future job interviews.)
. . . you might unleash a fiery "Eventoid". . . Let Maureen top that.
. . . a media cataclysm that at any moment can streak down from the sky like a rogue asteroid to obliterate your reputation, your earning capacity, or both.You must watch out for the rogue asteroids.
. . . the last Eventoid, the Janet Jackson scareNice asteroids on her, eh? I remember having asteroids like that. . .
Alone with their ballots, Academy members defiantly cast their votes for war dissenters Sean Penn and Tim Robbins . . . I can think of no braver act than to award an Oscar to the stars of a uniformly well-reviewed and widely popular motion picture.
Beautiful women know they can't go out to a function anymore without some screeching red-carpet harridan or hissing cable queen voting them off the island.If only we could put Joan Rivers outside every party I get invited to.

The image of Gwyneth Paltrow's fashion mistake in 2002 . . . was recycled so many times it was fashion's equivalent of Howard Dean's scream.Fuck Maureen. I'm on a roll!
. . . Uma Thurman's gold-braided Tyrolean duvet-dress that has drawn more ink than the new Iraqi constitution. . . MoDo? More like No Mo'! Bwahahaha!
Liv Tyler summed up the lofty mood . . . in a Xanax voice and earnest black spectacles . . . I have one thing to say to you, Maureen: "Bring! It! On!"
. . . the same face furniture that suddenly straddled the nose of "Primetime" host Diane Sawyer. . Ack. Sort of lost it there. (Also: I am aroused by furniture.)
Movies such as "The Passion" are not supposed to get made at all, and if they do get made they're not supposed to get made on this epic scale, and if they do get made on this epic scale they're not supposed to succeed, and if they do succeed they're not supposed to succeed on account of guerrilla marketing and promotion.I am having trouble meeting my word count this week.
No, it's Mad Mel's vaunted alliance with the alien armies of the right. . . I believe conservatives are from outer space.
. . . that are determined to return their mortal foe George W. Bush to the White House this November. That's correct: Bush is the foe of the alien conservative armies. Maybe he's a renegade android or something. Also: No one even tries to edit me any more.

Scared Boring: Hollywood's Timid Streak



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