Thursdays with Tina: The Menopause Edition

It's that time again. Please put that compact down and read our translation of Tina Brown.

Tina-speakWhat it means
The wives of the Democratic candidates have been something of a visual relief to those of us who have overdosed on fabulousness. Enough of the long, waxed legs of the Oscars and the silk-sheathed golden globes of the Golden Globes, enough of Paris, Nicole, J. Lo and Jennifer. Here come the worthy women of politics. Does this make me look fat?
They're none of them cupcakes, but they don't pretend to bake cupcakes either. No, really. Does it?
There is such a surfeit of glitz imagery we have started to forget what a real middle-aged woman looks like except on the news (or, some of us, when we look in the mirror).Yeaaaaaggghhh! Turn it around! Don't make me look!
The Democratic primaries are news, of course, but they are also the political version of "American Idol."Has Maureen used that one already? Shit.
So we're inevitably conditioned to view Teresa, Judith, Elizabeth and Gert through the same ferocious glamour lens.Can I get one of those? And, really, these slacks? They give me thunder thighs, no?
It's refreshing to see Elizabeth Edwards's big, concerned face blown up even bigger on a TV screen usually filled with post-adolescent midriffs.Why does my husband watch so much pornography?
While Matthews keeps on yelling like an overexcited husband, Teresa metaphorically yawns and turns over in bed.What happened to my sex life?
Even if you were in the pro-Judith [Dean] camp, it was tiring to have to pretend she'd be running some outpatient clinic in the White House basement. Unless maybe she would give Botox injections. That would be great.
"I'm not a 'thing' person," [Judith Dean] told a nation whose favorite new magazine, Lucky, is all about shopping.She's not the type to give Botox injections, is she?
We are all less censorious about Botox now.I'm going to vote for Kerry.
At the age of 65 [Teresa Heinz Kerry] can sashay down the aisle of the campaign plane in a Chanel pantsuit and filmy white blouse.It's OK to tell me: I should change, right?

First Lady Contenders Who Are Women First [WP]

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It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...



In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:

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Lately he's been blowing smoke from another orifice.

After a cursory examination of the TWELVE filings in the case against California Congressman Duncan Hunter just in the past 24 hours, we can confidently declare that that guy is a fucking idiot. The prosecutors have him by every last one of his short and curlies -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars of ski trips, video games, tuition, and plane tickets for the family rabbit.

A rational human being would have pleaded down a year ago and given up his congressional seat, since he could cash out and make a lot more money as a lobbyist anyway. But not Duncan Hunter! He made the federal government chase him down and document every last carton of cigarettes, round of tequila, and Uber ride of shame home from his many girlfriends' houses in a 60-count indictment filed last August. And still this dumb sumbitch refused to admit he was caught, even after his lovely wife (and co-conspirator) Margaret Hunter flipped on him this month -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to carry on multiple affairs and you piss off the US Attorneys enough that they put every 7 a.m. Uber ride in your indictment.

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