Time For More Tax Cuts And Trips To Disney World, Cuz 9/11 Is Coming Again Maybe

Never Forget... to be afraid

Hey. Hey you. Yes you, going about your day like it's not the holiest day on the American calendar, practically forgetting to Never Forget. You have pretty much forgotten, haven't you? It was oh so long ago, and besides, didn't we already Mission Accomplished whatever it was we were trying to do all those years back, in response to the Day of Infamy that, but for brands tweeting Hot Deals on the internet, we wouldn't remember at all?

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Sure, former Bush spokesdick Ari Fleischer is still doing that annual thing he does, tweeting his memories of how George Dubya heroically saved America and kept us safe from terrorist attacks, except for the terrorist attacks, which do not count because reasons.

And sure, politicians are tweeting out their heartfelt hashtags and prayers. Although a certain politician deleted his heartfeltedness from a few years ago, because gosh, this -- unlike, say, calling a rival candidate's face too ugly for the Oval Office -- might be considered in poor taste for a guy who wants to be president. And who would notice if it quietly disappears from the internet, which is forever? (Everyone would notice, that's who.)

Never forget this either

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Some true patriots, though, have not forgotten to Never Forget, nor have they forgotten how effective it can be to tell voters BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID! Because if you cannot win with your policies and ideas, there's always the chance you can terrify Americans into supporting you, OR ELSE.

Show us how it's done, Sen. Lindsey Graham:

The conditions for another 9/11 are ripe. We're reducing our defenses. We're cutting our intelligence budget. The FBI's budget's being slashed, at a time when there are more terrorist organizations with safe havens to attack us.

So what happened in Paris is gonna come here, I think, if we don't watch it.

Yes, we vaguely recall Graham explaining, after the terrorist attack at the offices of Charlie Hebdo, in Paris, that Graham insisted we must fight them over there, so we don't have to fight them over here -- since that strategy has proven so effective for the last 14 years -- and, quite critically, we must use the proper terminology: "religious war." You cannot possibly expect to defeat The Terrorists if your wording is all wrong. Smoke ’em out! Dead-r-alive! That's the kind of tough talk that defeats terrorists, ya know.

How, then, does self-appointed military expert strategist and spectacularly losing presidential candidate Graham advise that we “watch it”?

You got thousands of foreign fighters flocking to Syria for the jihad, with western passports. And it's hard to stop 'em all, all the time. There's just too many to watch, too much safe haven [sic], too much money, too many men, too many equipment [sic], and if we don't disrupt their organizations, they're going to attack us here.

So the caliphate's headquarters in Syria, they're just having so many western fighters come, we're going to have to hit them before they hit us. I really believe that.

Right. Hit them over there, before they can do Paris to us, here at home, with mushroom clouds, maybe. Except -- didn't we already do that? Graham says he's "the most qualified to be commander in chief," and he knows "how we can reset the world before it's too late." Have we not sufficiently disrobed in the airport security lines? Have we not purchased enough duct tape and plastic sheeting? Have we not given enough tax cuts to the rich? (Brother Jeb says we have not.) Did too few of us go shopping and "get down to Disney World in Florida"? Did we not burn enough Dixie Chick CDs or stick enough made-in-China decals on our SUVs? Did we fail to "let the mighty eagle soar" because "this country's far too young to die"?

Apparently so. We failed, we didn't love America enough, and we didn't Never Forget hard enough, because despite all of our shock and all of our awe, those terrorists are still out there, and they're still coming right for us. They're gonna 9/11 us all over again, if we don't "watch it." By, say, electing Lindsey Graham. He knows how to invade all the right countries, with all the boots on the ground and all the bombing. Iraq. Syria. Yemen. (Not Saudi Arabia, of course, those guys are our friends, even if most of the 9/11ers came from there, but shhhh.) Maybe Paris, since obviously there are terrorists hiding right there, behind that pile of croissant. (Sorry, Freedom Rolls.)


Perhaps we ought to glass the entire Middle East, just to be absolutely sure that this time, once we've won the war, it stays won. Uh, except for the tiny strip of the Middle East that is Israel. Attention, our Jew friends in Israel: Please don your protective gear before we nuke the region, we heart you, after all, because Jesus.

Or maybe not. Maybe there's an easier way. Go shopping or something? Hide under our beds? We don't really have to elect Graham for president, do we, just to make sure they don't hit us here? Ah well, whatever we do, we must be afraid, very afraid, NEVER FORGET TO BE AFRAID. And happy 9/11.



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