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She's kind of the worst


Here are some things we know about Carly Fiorina. She's a liar, for one. But she's not merely an occasional liar. She's a hardcore addicted-like-it's-top-shelf-heroin pathological liar. Also? She's one of the worst CEOs in the history of CEOing. She's also a stone-cold hypocrite, acting all pissy about Donald Trump saying means about her face -- so sexist! -- when she made herself LOL saying means about Sen. Barbara Boxer's hair.

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Also, she has a vagina. And she is pretty sure it tastes like rainbows.

Here's a new thing we didn't know: She's a deadbeat who did not hesitate to pay herself back from her failed 2010 Senate campaign but took her sweet time paying back the other poor dumb schmucks who'd tried to get her elected. Tell us how it went down, Washington Post:

Upon his death, Fiorina praised [pollster Joe] Shumate as “the heart and soul” of her team. She issued a news release praising him as a person who believed in “investing in those he worked with” and offering her “sincerest condolences” to his widow.

But records show there was something that Fiorina did not offer his widow: Shumate’s last paycheck, for at least $30,000. It was one of more than 30 invoices, totaling about $500,000, that the multimil­lionaire didn’t settle — even as Fiorina reimbursed herself nearly $1.3 million she lent the campaign. She finally cleared most of the balance in January, a few months before announcing her run for president.

Wow, Carly Fiorina, could you possibly be a bigger lady dick? Haha, dumb question.

“Occasionally, I’d call and tell her she should pay them,” said Martin Wilson, Fiorina’s former campaign manager, who found Shumate after the pollster collapsed from a heart attack. “She just wouldn’t.”

You'll be shocked -- shocked! -- to learn that according to "staff members, friends, contractors and operative" who worked on Fiorina's failtastic Senate campaign, she was as bad at managing money as she was at managing Hewlett-Packard. This, it would seem, is undisputed, even by her own people. There is a long list of bills she refused to pay right up until two seconds before she decided to run for president. But, because Carly Fiorina is a pathological liar, she's insisting it's all lies, damned lies, and the Washington Post is just biased against her and also something something Hillary Clinton:

Carly Fiorina attacked "the left and their allies in the media" for a critical report released Monday that says her 2010 California Senate campaign mismanaged money and failed to pay vendors for their work. [...]

Fiorina dismissed the report, telling reporters Monday afternoon that "all of our debt was paid off and everyone was paid in full" and that she doesn't "the Washington Post has much credibility anymore." [...]

"It's becoming obvious that the left and their allies in the media are terrified of Carly because she is everything Hillary (Clinton) isn't - a candidate from outside the political class whose authenticity and grasp of the issues connects with voters because she has the track record to challenge the status quo," a Fiorina campaign aide told NBC News.

Nice try there, Carly Fiorina's campaign, but the people talking out of school about her deadbeatery are not liberal Hillbots; they are people who worked for Fiorina. Not that we'd expect Fiorina to be honest about this, any more than we'd expect her to ever admit her tenure at HP was not an indisputable success, on account of how she almost killed it to death. Nor are we at all amazed that she's trying to fancy-footwork the reports coming from inside the house into something she can blame on the left. Just like how, after Trump said her face was unelectable, she released an ad blaming Democrats for the attack.

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Wish we could say we were surprised to learn that in addition to all of her other character flaws, she's also a deadbeat who thinks nothing of dicking over a widow. Not that it matters much; the Republican Party might enjoy flirting with her, but we know those primary voters still believe in the sanctity of traditional presidential candidates. (You know, white dudes. With penises.) Carly's 15 minutes will be up soon enough, and then she'll have a whole new slew of campaign staffers, and maybe their widows if she's lucky, to screw over. Then maybe she can eat another kitten while she's at it.

Oh? You hadn't heard Carly Fiorina eats kittens? Oh yeah, she definitely eats kittens. It's on the internet, so it must be true.

[WaPo / NBC News]

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