Today’s Gun News Takes Delightfully Refreshing Turn For The Surreal


For those of you following our never-ending soap opera regarding our nation’s love affair with chrome-plated dildos of death, this week has been horribly depressing and not at all full of news that’s appropriate for your preferred source forpictures of silver bears in lingerie. Between the incredibly cheery multiple “toddler shoots ___” stories to read about and the First Lady choking back tears while speaking about Hadiya Pendleton, we were dead set on maintaining our Charlie Brown pose and writing about something less depressing, like domestic terrorism.

However, it seems as if today the newz gods decided to break into that stash of hydroponic psilocybin caps, because the gun news today has both alleviated our depression and made us think that we are tripping balls.

First off there is NRA shock-jock (yes that is a thing) Cam Edwards’ genius analysis of a Buzzfeed story concerning our hilariously porous gun laws. As Andrew Kaczynski originally reported, Adam Gadahn, the former failed hippy/metal-head/goat shit collecter now know as the “American Al Qaeda,” recently made a Youtube video in which he advised fellow terrorist dickheads looking to get them some gunz to head on down to the heartland. Edwards read Kaczynski’s article and then did an EPIC SMACKDOWN of the Buzzfeed reporter for daring to claim that if Al Qaeda recognizes the vulnerability of gun laws then perhaps it is time to reform them:

I wonder when Buzzfeed is going to start citing Al Qeada's pop culture criticism of the United States too. Kaczynski gives this example of Adam Gadahn who said back in 2011, "America is absolutely awash with easily obtainable firearms. You can go down to a gun show at the local convention center and come away with a fully automatic assault rifle, without a background check, and most likely without having to show an identification card. So what are you waiting for?" Now Al Qaeda was wrong about our gun laws.[SANE PERSON NOTE: Kaczynski is actually 100% correct]But hey, they actually repeated this, you know, President Obama made the same incorrect statement about fully automatic firearms. What the heck. Everybody gets it wrong I guess. It's just weird that Buzzfeed is like, "Well see look Al Qaeda said our gun laws are weak so we should totally change our gun laws.” haha, 17 Al Qaeda Cats.

How fucking inept at your job as a commentator/shit starting provocateur can you be if you can’t even make a decent “Buzzfeed Cat Slideshow” joke? Hell even the fucking Buzzfeed people have gotten to be pretty good at it despite the fact that their job seems to require spending 17 hours a day sitting on twitter. Also if your job requires you to defend the imaginary rights regarding the ownership of military grade weapons for very real terrorists with a straight face it is time to find a profession that is less aneurism inducing.

Next up is the revelation that our watered down, mayonnaise on white bread, literally least we can do gun compromise came about only because our nation’s most annoyingly centrist (i.e. business friendly whores) Senators got drunk together on a boat instead of doing actual work:

The Illinois Republican [Mark Kirk] said to reporters that visits to the Black Tie, a yacht owned by Democrat Sen. Joe Manchin, played a large role in the Democratic-Republican come-together over background checks and other legislation related to gun control, Roll Call reported.

Oh goody the coal industry paid for Joe Manchin to have a fucking yacht. Nice to see that they are spending their money on important things instead of wasting it on ways to prevent black lung or on load bearing mine shaft supports.

“You guys really ought to go out to National Harbor and see the Black Tie, which has been much of the reason for much of the bipartisan cooperation around here,” he said, as quoted in Roll Call.

Frequent visitors to the luxury vessel: Democrat Sen. Kay Hagan and Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski, Mr. Kirk said.

“Sometimes alcoholic beverages might be served and ties might … get loosened,” he said, in Roll Call

So this is officially the grossest thing that has ever been revealed in the Moonie Times. Apparently the only way that even semi-useful legislation gets passed in this country is if folks like Hagan, Murkowski, Kirk, and Manchin have time to party on their sex boat. The Senate may not be shamed into passing an assault weapons bill by the sight of 20 tiny caskets, but if they are allowed to blow off steam on a sex boat like the 2005 Minnesota Vikings we might get some pittance of a bill. (Try not to think about who was in charge of the double-sided dildo in that arrangement.)

And finally Gawker discovered an ancient clip of America’s 2nd favorite 1990s Catholic schoolgirl, Molly Shannon, playing a bit part in a completely incomprehensible political ad for the NRA. Apparently back in the 1990s the NRA was both a) concerned with the “ease” at which federal gun legislation was passed, b) virulently opposed to our growing prison industrial complex (which itself is mind blowing), and c) giving preferential hiring treatment to white men with curly mullets.

Nevertheless we thank Gawker for finding this clip and the NRA for making this commercial. It might lack any discernible message involving gun policy, but instead serves as a stark sign that we really need to stop doing so many drugs in the morning.

[Media Matters, Washington Times, Gawker]


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