Tony Zirkle: Keepin' It Scarily Real
What journalist has the best gig in the country? We think it might be James Wensits of the South Bend Tribune. He gets to follow around Crazy Congressional Candidate Tony Zirkle. Zirkle, whose antics and threats of French Revolution-style public executions we've covered previously, is the craziest candidate of the '06 midterms -- a group not lacking in craziness. Let's check in with Tony and see what he's up to this week:
Now, Zirkle says, he will shred a copy of the "original Marilyn Monroe Playboy magazine" at a Monday news conference in his South Bend law office. He has made a campaign issue of pornography and sex-related crimes.
According to Zirkle, he paid $1,200 to an Internet source to acquire the rare magazine so that he could destroy it.
Good use of campaign funds, there. Of course, a Congressman has to have a good understanding of foreign policy, and Zirkle has just the idea to win the war in Iraq: Balkanization by ethnicity. Which is sorta reasonable, actually. But unlike other war critics, Zirkle knows that the plan can't succeed without a little something extra:
One option, he suggested, would be to unite the Kurds in northern Iraq with the millions of Kurds in Turkey, the Sunnis in the center with Jordan and Shia in the south with Kuwait.
Zirkle dubbed those new states "Turkurdistan," "Jordiraq" and "Kuwaitimesopotamia."
Ok, we totally want to hear the Kuwaitimesopotamian National Anthem.
Tony Zirkle, keep up the good fight. If you ever get anywhere near Washington, we're going in to hiding. Seriously, you'd get all mob justice on our asses if you knew what we were up to.