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Top 100 Things of This Rotten Decade

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Nevah fo'get#100: Craig Kilborn wasn't the host of The Daily Show during this decade.


#99: Fred Thompson's presidential campaign. Ha ha, the "New Reagan."

#98: Joe Lieberman never got to be Vice President.

#97: You know what didn't even exist in any form before this decade? The iPod musical thing! It is nice to have such a thing, for listening to music. (But it's not so nice when, say, you are taking a nice walk somewhere and a two-year-old political-news podcast comes up in shuffle -- that is like being kicked in the nuts and then the guy vomits all over your head, and plus the guy is Rudy Giuliani.)

#96: Rudy Giuliani never got to be a senator, governor, Republican nominee for president, or actual president.

#95: The "Freedom Tower" is still not built, and maybe hopefully will never be finished.

#94: Sarah Palin didn't get to be vice president, and had to "give back" all those fancy clothes.

#93: Hard drives have crazy big capacity now. What was a "good hard drive" in 1999, like 10 gigabytes?

#92: George Allen took his football and his horse and went home.

#91: Larry Craig took his toilet-stall hard-on and went home.

#90: But Diaperman David Vitter stayed in the Senate, ensuring that laughter would live on.

#89: Bob Dylan's Theme Time Radio Hour proved that radio could still be awesome.

#88: Wacky comedy hip-hop rape-jokester youngster Al Franken not only beat that fucking slimeball Norm Coleman, but finally compensated America for that long dull Lizard-People recount by making Joe Lieberman cry in the Senate.

#87: "Warblogging."

#86: Warblogging ended. (But the wars continue.)

#85: Mark Foley!

#84: Don Sherwood!

#83: Jeff Gannon!

#82: Even though it's probably Too Late, all kinds of Hippie-Earth-Lover stuff like solar and wind power, pesticide-free food and casual lesbianism became Mainstream.

#81: If you have money, there is now an outpatient procedure to make your eyeballs no longer need glasses, through the miracle of widespread Medical Droids.

#80: Some of us in America have broadband Internet, for porn.

#79: You can get cash back at pretty much any supermarket, if you have a bank account and have money in that account.

#78: Few complain about the terrible scourge of rickets.

#77: No matter what stupid embarrassing fad you briefly embraced in decades past, it "came back into style" during the '00s, so you don't have to feel so fucking stupid anymore, because look at that asshole ....

#76: The Blingee.

#75: Ron Paul.

#74: The Ron Paul Blimp.

#73: Tea Party, Teabaggers, etc.

#72: Everyone is enjoying anal sex.

#71: There is basically video of whatever you think of, on the YouTube or one of its pornographic equivalents.

#70: That whole Harry Potter thing is pretty much over.

#69: Some lady knocked over the Nazi Pope.

#68: U2 could've released a LOT more records than they did.

#67: Leonard Cohen and his band played an awesome three-hour concert in just about every conceivable metropolitan area where there were people wanting to see a Leonard Cohen concert.

#66: Michael Chertoff didn't get a chance to kill you and eat your heart.

#65: Nobody in the Bush Administration had heard of Atlanta, apparently.

#64: Barack Obama was elected president, which also means John WALNUTS! McCain and Sarah Snowbilly Palin did not occupy the White House.

#63: That's all we've got.

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And now for some very serious TUT TUTTING! It's time again for Republicans to make sad words about President Treason McTraitorpants selling out the country. This time they are seriously concerned, nay even deeply troubled, that Donald Trump would stand next to Vladimir Putin and pretend the Russians didn't hack the 2016 election. These patriotic Republicans are shocked, SHOCKED! Well, not, like, upset enough to do anything about it -- not with a fascist carpooler to jam into the Supreme Court. But they've got tweets, so it's all good!

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Republicans are in a pickle. Midterms are coming up and the party in the White House usually loses seats in those elections. It doesn't help their chances that their guy Donald Trump frolics through fields holding hands with self-made Russian dictator and coincidental poisoner Vladimir Putin, who our own justice department believes attacked our mostly free elections and our true national monument, the Internet.

If you're as old as I am, you'll recall that back in the 1980s, the whole Republican brand involved not trusting the Ruskies, and they were especially disappointed when Kevin Costner turned out to be one in No Way Out. Now, the current Republican president is talking like some kind of crazy commie lib, bashing the FBI and giving the benefit of the doubt to a former KGB agent. During an interview Sunday where he wore a hat with "USA" in big letters on it, presumably so someone could easily return him if he got lost on the field trip, Trump went so far as to call the European Union a "foe" of his country, which if you believe his hat is supposedly the United States not Russia.

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