The Top 6 Signs Robert Mueller Is About To Indict The Sh*tfire Outta Some Folks, According To #Science
Unless it turns out we're wrong, in which case we weren't actually wrong, YOU WERE WRONG FOR READING THIS.
It's a cloudy day in Washington DC. It's also a federal holiday, Veterans Day, but Donald Trump can't do normal presidential Veterans Day stuff like lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery because he saw a cloud and you know what clouds do, they spit water at your face, and Donald Trump can't get wet because he probably has rabies, allegedly.
DC is quiet, is our point.
But there are indicators that somebody is at work, and that somebody is Robert Mueller. We could be wrong, but we have a sneaking suspicion that tomorrow, or Wednesday, or at the very latest Friday, we are going to get Indictment O'Clock for an early Christmas present. Here is why:
Teach the damn kids better.
Oh, those wacky kids today! Always on their phones, smoking their Juuls, buying a lot of unicorn-themed things ... and taking "Heil Hitler" prom photos. I guess!
Over the weekend, some students from Baraboo High School in Wisconsin tweeted a photo of dozens of boys in the class of 2019, at their Junior Prom, in a group photo, doing a Nazi salute -- a photo reportedly taken by a parent of one of the boys in the picture and reportedly posted to their own website that was filled with other pictures of the Baraboo High School prom (UPDATE: Said photographer is motorcycle photographer one Peter Gust, whose son is in the picture. He is former educator and Wisconsin Education Association Council regional director. Nice!) The tweet, first shared by Twitter user Carly Sidey, has since been deleted, and the account that posted it has gone private.
MAN, the Deep State must hate this guy!
HOLY WEEKEND NEWS DUMPS! While Donald Trump was across the ocean getting dunked on by Emmanuel Macron and skipping ceremonies for war heroes because he was scared his shithole hair would get messed up, journalists kept digging into the life and times of Trump's fake acting attorney general Matthew Whitaker, and DAMN. All's we know is that the Deep State must fuckin' HAAAAAAAAATE that guy, whose appointment was probably completely illegal and unconstitutional in the first place so why are we even talking about this.
We already knew bits and pieces about Matt Whitaker's scammy scummy fraud-y old gig, on the advisory board of a scammy scummy fraud-y company called World Patent Marketing, that did some MILD FRAUDS. When customers got mad, Whitaker would write them mean threatening letters. (You should read about how they "scammed US military veterans out of their life savings," as The Guardian puts it. Happy Veterans Day!)
What we didn't know -- and what one of the victims and also some other unknown people (deep state!) were more than happy to tell the Wall Street Journal -- is that FUCKIN' COMPANY IS UNDER FBI INVESTIGATION. And Whitaker was on the advisory board! And he made videos for the company! And he sent those mean threatening letters! What we're saying is that Whitaker is in deep.
Another Senate pickup! And a special goodbye to Dana Rohrabacher also too!
Senator Sinema, FTW! Maricopa County dropped another batch of votes last night, bringing the Arizona Democrat's lead up to about 32,000. McSally would have to take the remaining uncounted votes by a margin of 22 percent to win at this point. Which means Martha McSally is more likely to melt from someone throwing a bucket of water on her than to take Jeff Flake's seat.
Remember last Wednesday when Trump gave that bonkers presser and bragged about "retiring" Jeff Flake?
Hey, THANKS, DONALD!
Good news for Sinemaphiles
After election-night vote tallies showed her narrowly trailing Republican Martha McSally, Democrat Kyrsten Sinema now leads the Arizona race for US Senate by nearly 10,000 votes, with about half a million mail-in ballots yet to be counted. Not surprisingly, both campaigns insist the remaining votes will result in victory, but just to help nudge things along, the state Republican Party is suing to prevent any further counting of ballots in the state's two biggest counties, which lean Democratic, because how is counting Democrat votes even fair?
How many Scaramuccis is this fucking idiot gonna last?
It's your daily chronicle of how Matthew Whitaker, the fake, make-believe "acting attorney general" Donald Trump illegally installed after firing Jeff Sessions, manages to be dangerous and stupid and highly unqualified and hilariously mock-able, all at the same time!
First of all, "senior officials" in the White House are expressing shock and dismay that they flouted the line of succession at DOJ and stuck in an asslicking sycophant, and instead of just accepting it, America is digging into his story and everything we find out about him makes us say "LOL!" and "what a fucking dipshit!"
2000 deja vu all over again
Florida has been a hot mess of electoral shenanigans if not outright fraud for as long as I can remember. I still have the Katherine Harris-inflicted scars from the 2000 election. Tuesday night, Republicans Ron DeSantis and Rick Scott pulled ahead in the vote counts for Florida governor and senator, so they just sort of stopped counting. Not counting votes is a reliable, Supreme Court-approved strategy. Why wait for all those pesky returns to come in when we've already tabulated the results from the Republican candidates' own homes? They even counted those votes twice!
Guess he'd know from shitholes.
Ted Nugent, a native of Michigan, took to Facebook Wednesday to express his displeasure at the
Badger Chevrolet Wolverine State for electing a whole bunch of Democrats, and maybe one Democrat in particular if you know what he means and we think you do.
Fox News Cancels Caravan 'Crisis,' Re-Declares War On Jim Acosta And Sharks And Happy Holidays And ...
These guys are shameless
Good news, everyone! Carol's lake house in Minnesota has checked in "safe" on Facebook from that awful caravan crisis, which unlike what conservatives think about climate change was definitely man-made. You probably recall the story about the Marie Antoinette of Minnesota whom Donald Trump had scared even more shades of white about an invading army of hostile poor people. This "caravan of migrants" would not stop until it reached a state that is only habitable for human life for about two weeks in May. Then would come the raping and pillaging in an undetermined order until even innocent lake houses were "occupied."
Mr. Trump's dystopian imagery has clearly left an impression with some. Carol Shields, 75, a Republican in northern Minnesota, said she was afraid that migrant gangs could take over people's summer lake homes in the state.
"What's to stop them?" said Ms. Shields, a retired accountant. "We have a lot of people who live on lakes in the summer and winter someplace else. When they come back in the spring, their house would be occupied."
What's to stop "them"? Absolutely nothing ... that isn't, say, a midterm election that happened Tuesday! The caravan probably packed it in on Wednesday, because what's the point? All eligible voters have been terrified. Turns out the caravan didn't contain gang members after all but just the electoral version of the creatures from Monsters, Inc. who live on fear.
White House now literally distributing fake news. But we still see Trump crapping all over the Mueller investigation.
After yesterday's completely fuckbonkers press conference with Donald Trump, the White House announced it was suspending press credentials for CNN's Jim Acosta. Acosta had angered the Great Man by asking too many questions yesterday, including one where he challenged Trump's characterization of Central American asylum seekers as an "invasion," and, after Trump told him to sit down and shut up, another in which he asked about the pipe bombs sent to CNN, which prompted Trump to say, "When you report fake news, you are the enemy of the people." Not that Trump was condoning violence, because Trump would never do such a thing except when he fantasizes about punching protesters in the face or declares a congressman who body-slammed a reporter for asking a question "my kind of guy."
Trump wasted no time firing Jeff Sessions. Shit is about to get real.
It's been mere hours since Democrats won control of the House of Representatives, and Donald Trump is in a bad fucking mood. First he gave a whinyass crybaby GRRR ARGH press conference, and now he has followed through on what he's been threatening for months now. He has quit-fired Attorney General Jeff Sessions on Twitter, and announced that he's sticking one of his personal ass-lickers in as acting attorney general.
And she shouldn't. Look at her opponent, this disgusting crook!
Voting in Georgia yesterday was exactly the sort of disorganized frustrating fuck-tussle you might expect in a state where the Republican Secretary of State Brian Kemp is simultaneously running for governor AND in charge of making the election run smoothly. Big surprise! In many areas with large black populations, the voting didn't go so smoothly! After "technical issues" at multiple sites -- little things, like poll workers forgetting power cords for machines -- many voters had to wait three or four hours to vote. And that is perfectly convenient and normal and not at all a form of voter suppression because as any fool knows, there's no such thing as voter suppression.
Whatever happens tonight, we will be together!
OH MY GOD, WONKETTE PEOPLE AND OTHER PEOPLE WHO MAY BE READING THIS NOW, IT IS TIME TO DO THE THING!
First of all, we want to tell you that we feel pretty good about things. But we also want to say that polls are still open in lots of places! So if there's anybody you know who might not have voted and there's still time, GTFO and get them there! But we also want you to know that if we win tonight, we're in the win together. If we ... grrrrrrrr ... NON-WIN tonight, then first of all if it's Stacey Abrams in Georgia, we're calling for an investigation. But if things somehow don't break our way (on top of calling for investigations) we are STILL in this together. Because win or lose, our work is not over tonight! But let's hope we win.
Your ALL-DAY voting day liveblogging post!
What up, America, you votin' so hard right now? Us too!
So we figured we'd just put up an open thread/liveblog of good stuff, bad stuff, fucked up stuff, funny stuff, because it ain't like there's any other breaking news besides OMG VOTING IS SO HOT RIGHT NOW.
As we made the decision to do this post, we were watching the MSNBC, like the common gay liberal we are, and we exclaimed "MSNBC IS SO GAY RIGHT NOW." Jonathan Capehart was on there talking about his husband who works for Senator Heidi Heitkamp's campaign and Josh Barro was sitting there like "Uh huh I am also too a gay leather daddy but I do not have a story about Heidi Heitkamp's campaign at the moment for I have failed at life," and host Craig Melvin was like "I am not gay but most of the other people in this building at any given time are, OH HEY LOOK AN UPDATE ON BETO!"
So that is your MSNBC status report.
Our next updates in this post will be less vapid, or maybe they won't, you can't tell us what to do.
Is there even an internet beyond Wonkette dot com? Not that we ever heard of.
Hello, America, are you ready for Democracy Time?
Barack Obama is ready, and he brought donuts!
He's been waiting for this moment all year!
It's a big week for Donald Trump! That's right, the midterm elections are happening, and those are either going to go well for Trump (if Russians and voter suppression and gerrymandering win the night) or they will go well for Democrats (if America wins the night). But regardless, after the midterms are over, Trump gets to do YOU'RE FIRED to everybody that ever hurt his fragile feelings! Hooray!
We've known for a while that some shake-ups were probably coming -- for instance, Jeff Sessions, he is getting fired so Trump can try to get somebody to murder the Russia investigation for him. But the Washington Post has new reporting about who else is likely to get shitcanned -- that is, if Trump grows a pair and learns to shitcan people all by himself. Otherwise we'll be seeing reporting about how nobody got fired because Trump couldn't get anybody to do his dirty work for him.
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