Come, Poppy, the nurse has something nice for you.
Why is Alan Dershowitz still talking? If he were your grandfather, you'd rush in with scissors and a calendar, shouting, "Poppy, look! It's 2019, not 1999. Doctor Finkelstein has scheduled a CT scan for this afternoon, so how 'bout we just cut this router cord right here until we know what's wrong with your brain, okay?" Instead Dersh is actually out there on Twitter right now arguing that a 15-year-old girl is old enough to consent to sex with a man of any age.
Maybe this is why Poppy seems even more deranged than usual. If that's even possible.
Why did Donald Trump wake up Saturday morning and decide to launch a racist attack against Congressman Elijah Cummings? Why the hell does Donald Trump do anything -- it's Fox News, of course. Anyone who tells you the president is executing some kind of master strategy in a high-stakes game of eleven-dimensional chess is delusional. He's just a demented rat running on Rupert Murdoch's wheel.
But let's pull back and ask a slightly different question: Why is FOX going after Cummings now? And why is Donald Trump so delighted to go along with the attack? Aside from the obvious fact that Cummings is a black Democrat from a state that hasn't voted for a Republican president in 30 years, of course. Well it might have something to do with a Resolution passed on Friday by the House Oversight Committee empowering its chair, one Elijah Cummings, to subpoena the personal communications of "non-career" White House employees to determine if there were violations of the Presidential Records Act.
Spoiler Alert: That means Jared and Ivanka.
Meet Rep. John Ratcliffe! And then immediately be sorry you ever heard his name!
Whaaaaat? Something worse than making Devin Nunes (R-Cows) the literal director of national intelligence? That cannot be!
Yes it can, and we will tell you what it is. It's nominating somebody whose brain functions at a marginally higher level than Nunes's unfortunate brain, but who is just as much of a conspiracy-minded batshit Trump loyalist as Nunes is. USA! USA! USA! (Don't fool yourself into thinking Donald Trump's first choice wasn't to just go with the dumbfuck congressman from the dairy farm and see what happens, as had been reported. Natasha Bertrand reports that he offered Nunes the job first, but Nunes is holding out for something even more powerful and intelligence-y, like CIA director. God help us all.)
So hey, sure, John Ratcliffe! The congressman from Texas! He's a Trump-fellating doorstop of a human being! Why not him!
As has been long rumored, Dan Coats, one of the only people left in the Trump administration who seems vaguely sane and was willing to speak the truth about hostile election interference from foreign powers, has outlived his usefulness to President Shitmouth, and will be quit-firing himself out the door on August 15. In his resignation letter, Coats thanked Donald Trump for the privilege of serving THE NATION and noted that one of his final moves on his way out the door was to establish an election security executive to coordinate the government's response to election security threats . Take that as you will, but considering Trump's well-known aversion to protecting elections from Russian reacharounds, we're going to take Coats mentioning it in his resignation letter as a gigantic "fuck you."
Saw this one coming a mile away.
After the first Democratic debate, we wrote about Kamala Harris's performance with the headline "Kamala Harris Shows America What She'll Do To Trump, If You'll Let Her." The way Harris commanded the stage of eight million Democrats that night and ran the room like she owned it, the way she cut through with authority and emotion and humor ... well, it was somethin', all right!
We've been following Harris for years (even back when sHe WaS a CoP!), but we really started paying attention in the Trump era, as we watched her terrify Jeff Sessions and terrify her male GOP colleagues on the Senate Judiciary Committee. (sHe WaS aCtUaLlY a pRoSeCuToR.) She mopped the floor with Bill Barr. She did it to Brett Kavanaugh. Even Dead John McCain would pound the table and stomp around at Harris, because that impertinent lady simply would not stop asking impolite questions of Republicans. How ruuuuuude. Do you not know who John McCain's daughter is?!
We've had a sneaking suspicion that Kamala Harris is literally the only person we want to see on a debate stage with Donald Trump, along with a sneaking suspicion that she is literally the only Democratic candidate who might make Trump try to weasel out of said debates. And it sounds like that sneaking suspicion is shared in the White House and among Republican operatives! But where that fact makes us giggle, it sounds like it's making Trump and his acolytes shit the bed. Womp womp!
David Drucker writes in Vanity Fair that he's been talking to some very influential GOP operatives for a while now, and that many of them correctly see Harris as somebody who could gut Trump six ways to Sunday without breaking a sweat. These are their stories.
Meghan McCain, whom Wonkette recently exposed as John McCain's secret daughter, is the subject of an Elle magazine profile that is not in any way worth your time. The only interesting factoid revealed during the trip on the Megs McCabe Borderline Express is that she sometimes shows up drunk or hungover ALLEGEDLY for whatever it is she contributes to "The View" ... ALLEGEDLY. By her. She alleges.
[McCain] remembers one night last year when she went out with her colleagues for drinks and got tipsy. The next morning, when it was time to film, she carried the convivial attitude of the previous night onto the show, and a crass line slipped out of her mouth: "I call her Crooked Hillary!" she said. "I hate Hillary Clinton."
"Tipsy" is an interesting word choice. Doris Day got "tipsy." Megs McCabe likes to spend her free time at the creek, doing Jell-O shots and shooting guns. That lady (Wonkette is not judging) gets smashed.
We read all 185 pages of the DC bar's memo recommending an almost three-year suspension. It was gross.
Superlawyer Larry Klayman is in a jam. There he was, just trying to do the right thing in helping out a woman who said she'd been sexually harassed at work. Could he help it if it he fell so deeply in love with her that he couldn't concentrate on her actual case because he was too busy declaring his love for months on end, and flipping out at public events if she talked to other people, and chasing her into a hotel women's room when she jumped out of his car and fled into the hotel for safety? They call the women's room the "Klayman Room" now, he joked, because of all the remorse he did not have for a solid year of harassing his client who was already having a nervous breakdown about her previous sexual harassment case. Oh, and then he told the DC Bar committee that was investigating him that the lady must have made it all up because she thinks everyone wants her. What a crazy nutjob that lady must be! What a hysterical narcissist! Oh, there were letters, months and months of them, where he wrote down all his love for her and all his complaints about her lack of same? And he admitted his deep, otherworldly love for her in a deposition before his closing statement of "bitches be lying"? Well, nobody ever said Superlawyer Larry Klayman is good at "lawyer."
Are Chuck Todd And Maggie Haberman Gaslighting You About The Mueller Hearings? Click Here To Tell Them To F*ck Off!
Some of us seem to have watched a different hearing from the one others watched.
Let's get one thing out of the way right now. A lot of the Robert Mueller testimony was boring, especially in the House Judiciary Committee. Mueller seemed old (he turns 75 in two weeks) and, true to what he said he was going to do, he declined to answer a lot of questions, staying within "the four corners of his report" and letting it "speak for itself." And with that, we have acknowledged and given the proper respect to every VALID right-wing criticism (and too-cool-for-school leftist criticism) that exists. It did not send the thrill up the leg, and in our American culture, which demands shiny things in order to keep its attention, it fell kinda flat.
(This column will not be addressing invalid criticisms, like those from Dinesh D'Souza, trying to pretend he is the cool kid who knows all the things, and scoffing with judgment that Robert Mueller had never heard of
the clowns that live in Dinesh's butthole Fusion GPS, like everybody is talking about the clowns who live in Dinesh's butthole Fusion GPS, what's wrong with Robert Mueller OMG?)
Beltway journalists (some of them, at least) were also so booooooooored, like are we there yet?
Maggie Haberman also paid for a laser light show, but all she got was an extremely grave and important moment in American history:
Of course, because Haberman is Haberman, she has spent the ensuing time on Twitter getting mad at civilians who somehow think reporters have the ability to shape the news, as if Americans came up with the idea to obsess over Hillary Clinton's Hotmail account all by their lonesome.
Are you hearing all this stuff and giving in to an inclination to agree that yesterday was just terrible and the Democrats are terrible and Robert Mueller was the worst and now you'll never get your pony?
As former DOJ official Chuck Rosenberg said on MSNBC not long after the Judiciary Committee hearing, "There's a difference between exciting and important. There are things that are exciting that are not important, and there are things that are important that are not particularly exciting." Yesterday's hearings were important. And if you slogged through all of it -- even the boring parts -- some really crucial things came out, some of them for the first time.
Cry me a f*cking river.
Deutsche Bank has got some 'splaining to do when it comes to Jeffrey Epstein. When JPMorgan Chase dropped Epstein as a client in 2013 over "reputational concerns," DB was only too happy step in and hold the piles of cash he accumulated doing ... well, no one exactly knows what. But his bail memo listed upwards of $500 million is assets, so whatever it was, it was lucrative! Epstein parked his holdings at DB, including $110 million in one account alone, and they all lived happily ever after.
Or maybe not. Because, five years later when the Miami Herald started digging into Epstein's plea deal and interviewing girls he'd abused, the bank started to get cold feet. And it only took DB six months to unwind their relationship with Epstein and close his many accounts. But don't worry, because The Wall Street Journal's sources say, "Bank executives believe they severed the lender's relationship fully with Mr. Epstein by the end of June." Which is ... a whole three weeks ago!
We already knew that Trump and Fox News were radicalizing people and spurring them to violence. Now, it has actually become a legal defense. Lawyers for Cesar Sayoc, widely known as the "MAGA bomber" after mailing improvised bombs to CNN and prominent Democrats, have argued in a court filing that Sayoc was radicalized by Trump and Fox News propaganda. But Sayoc is far from the only person to be spurred to violence by the President's bigotry and hate. Let's meet all the president's terrorists.
Wherein Wonkette tells the House Intelligence Committee how to conduct its business.
Toward the end of the Mueller investigation into the Russian attack on the 2016 election and the Trump campaign's complicity in and embrace of that attack, prosecutor Andrew Weissmann made an eye-opening statement. During a hearing on whether Paul Manafort had fully and willfully breached his plea agreement by lying to investigators (repeatedly), Weissmann referred to an August 2, 2016, meeting between Manafort and his old business associate Konstantin Kilimnik, who worked for Oleg Deripaska AKA "Putin's favorite oligarch," and who is assessed to have ties to Russian intelligence. At that meeting, for some reason, amid conversations about "peace plans" for Ukraine (which are code for sanctions relief for Moscow), Manafort passed internal polling data of some sort to Kiliminik, which we later found out in the Mueller Report was specifically Rust Belt polling data. Indeed, the Mueller Report says their conversation that day was about "Manafort's strategy for winning Democratic votes in Midwestern states." Isn't it odd how that is exactly where Trump pulled off the extremely unlikely inside straight he needed to
steal win the Electoral College, while simultaneously being resoundingly rejected by the vote of the American people?
Wednesday should be fun!
Wow, this is some hilarious bullshit we're about to discuss right here! On Monday, we noted that Donald Trump, the unindicted criminal superstar of the Mueller Report, appears to be losing it over Robert Mueller's testimony, which starts bright and early tomorrow morning. (Will we be liveblogging it? What do you think?)
Today let's talk about the Department of Justice, because it appears it too has lost all its shit and doesn't know where to find it. Maybe Attorney General Bill Barr shouldn't have spent all those months running around and lying about the contents of the Mueller Report and obfuscating and being a poor man's Roy Cohn for Donald Trump, telling America (falsely) that Mueller's investigation found NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, EVERYTHING BIGLY LEGAL AND BIGLY COOL!
It started with news on Monday afternoon in Politico that the DOJ had "communicated" to Mueller that he is not allowed to talk about anything outside the four corners of what's written in his report, which is funny, because Mueller has suggested that's what he intends to do anyway. Of course actually Mueller is now a private citizen now and DOJ can't tell him what to do, aside from "don't say classified information." Mueller also probably shouldn't spill his guts about ongoing criminal matters, but he's a damn career prosecutor and former FBI director, so we don't think any of that is a concern, now do we?
The original Politico report said DOJ had told Mueller that anything involving the evidence he gathered was "presumptively privileged." Now, thanks to Fox News (really!) we can see the actual letter sent to Mueller by Associate Deputy Attorney General Bradley Weinsheimer, and what did Bill Barr call the letter Mueller sent him about how Barr was misrepresenting the findings of Mueller's report? Oh, that's right, he told Congress it was SNITTY. We feel this letter is far more SNITTY than anything Mueller said to Bill Barr, who deserves all the SNITTY money can buy.
Anna Wintour, the legendary Vogue editor-in-chief, has some opinions on Melania Trump. Unfortunately, instead of sharing them in an appearance on a podcast from The Economist ... wait, did we say "unfortunately"? That is not the word we meant to use there! We meant to say that Wintour decided to respond to a shitload of questions about Melania Trump by decidedly talking about other people. Better people!
Interviewer Anne McElvoy wanted Wintour's thoughts about Melania Trump so very badly. And she got them! Just not in the way she was going for:
It's the Sunday Show Rundown!
El Presidente Trumpito's syphilis-addled brain tweets from last week, when he told four congresswomen of color ("The Squad," Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley) to "go back where you came from," sent Republicans on a weeklong Circe De SuRacists acrobatics to excuse it.
We went from Kellyanne Conway's
impromptu Ancestry.com with journalists to racists at a Trump rally chanting "Send Her Back" which Trump basked in before trying to gaslight people into believing he opposed to it only to later follow it with "sorry not sorry" while doubling down. Normally, any sane person would let this die down so the media/news cycle could move on. But norms don't exist, President Fucksquib is not a sane person, and time is a flat circle we are doomed to repeat.
So early Sunday morning, while probably fast food constipated, Donnie decided to tweet:
I don't believe the four Congresswomen are capable of loving our Country. They should apologize to America (and Israel) for the horrible (hateful) things they have said. They are destroying the Democrat Party, but are weak & insecure people who can never destroy our great Nation!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 21, 2019
So who better to speak about racism than Trump's own Wormtongue, Stephen Miller, on "Fox News Sunday" with Chris Wallace.
Have a delightful week, Mister President.
It was a weird feeling. It was eight o'clock on Monday morning, and Donald Trump hadn't made a tweet. Usually by this time the old yapping pube clown had whined at an uninterested America nine or 10 times. What was happening? Was he dead? Was he rearranging his chunks of orange stomach blubber to get them just right so that his ten-foot long red tie would rest on it just perfect? Just having a hard morning on the john? It was probably that.
But never fear, Shitmouth is awake, and whatever he just did in the toilet is the White House staff's problem now! Twitter fingers UP!
And I'm just like, 'Hey, are you okay?'
Have you recovered yet from hearing about Alan Dershowitz's "perfect, perfect sex life"? That's when he takes his panties off for kosher bonezoning with his ladywife. Not like that time when he "never got a massage from anybody" at Jeffrey Epstein's house. Or possibly he did get a massage, but "It was from a 50-year-old Russian woman named Olga. And I kept my shorts on. I didn't even like it." Sure, occasionally he likes to let 'em swing low while going for a dip on the Vineyard, but he never, NEVER dips his junk in the hollandaise at brunch, dammit! Ipso facto, David Boies should be disbarred, your Honor!
Okay, now that your legs are crossed for all eternity, let's talk about Dersh's weird-ass legal theories, about which he has the right to remain silent, but not the ability. Because two women, Virginia Roberts and Sarah Ransome, have now claimed that Jeffrey Epstein paid them to have sex with Dershowitz, and he knows who is to blame for this unspeakable calumny. That's right, it's the mostly esteemed super-lawyer David Boies! Because, just like OJ and Mike Tyson and Claus von Bülow, DERSH WUZ FRAMED.
Acting Homeland Security secretary Kevin McAleenan, COME ON DOWN!
The House Oversight Committee grilled acting Homeland Security Secretary Kevin McAleenan yesterday about the current strategic incompetence and mistreatment of migrants at the border. McAleenan insisted the Border Patrol was doing the very best it could to deal with increased numbers of border crossers, but parroted the administration line that overcrowding in Customs and Border Protection (CBP) facilities were simply a result of Congress's failure to fund Donald Trump's beautiful dream of detaining all asylum-seekers and their families forever. For some reason, Democrats on the committee weren't buying it!
Americans' frustrations with the cruelty at the border were channeled by Oversight Committee Chair Elijah Cummings (D-Maryland), who reminded McAleenan what moral outrage looks like.
Here's the start of the exchange. Cummings starts off measured, but as he discusses a federal judge's finding that DHS "did a better job of tracking immigrants' personal property than their children" during last year's family separation crisis, he gets more and more pissed off, wondering why the entire administration seems to suffer from a "empathy deficit."
I'm talking about human beings. I'm not talking about people that come from, as the president said, s.h.-holes. These are human beings. Human beings. Just trying to live a better life.
As the questioning continued, Cummings presented the facts: DHS -- and McAleenan, as then-head of CBP -- had lied when it said it kept careful records of all the children taken from their parents. The DHS inspector general documented there was no such database, and the judge in the case repeatedly excoriated the administration for not keeping track of the children.
Eventually, Cummings built to a crescendo of righteous anger over McAleenan's bland assurances that since most of the separated children were eventually reunited with their parents, everything worked out just fine.
"And therefore, I guess — you feel like you're doing a great job right?" Cummings asked. McAleenan started replying that golly, DHS is "doing our level best," but Cummings had had enough:
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