Elizabeth Warren Has A Plan For Hiding John Delaney's Body, After What She Did To Him Last Night

Didn't happen on 5th Avenue, but we're pretty sure she didn't lose a single follower.

We don't know why Elizabeth Warren decided to murder John Delaney last night. It certainly wasn't on her must-do list for the CNN debate, unless she just really wanted America to know she was ready and willing on day one to make things that annoy us go away, like for instance dumb men with dumb egos who won't get the fuck out of our faces. There were 8,895,682 people on that stage, and she could have picked any of them. Beto? Boring. Marianne Williamson? Nothing to get your chakras in a bunch about. Buttigieg? She could just PINCH HIS CHEEKS. Also he might be a good cabinet nominee down the road. Klobuchar? Oh, was she in attendance last night? Tim Ryan or Jim Monkeydongler or Steve Buttocks of Montana? Eh, that just didn't seem FUN, and Elizabeth Warren had a plan for last night, and that plan involved FUN.

And she didn't seem to feel it was necessary to bring it to Bernie Sanders last night. No, better to riff off him and save that for later. Maybe she's pretty sure the universe is going to work that one out on its own.

So John Delaney it was. A man who started last night with 29,000 Twitter followers, most of whom are probably his mom. It was he upon whom Warren decided to use a line that was obviously worthy of somebody far above his paygrade, but that's OK, she has a whole room full of zingers at her house. Plus, have you seen his dumb face? It is dumb. And quite frankly, she probably was getting very tired of the no-name moderate men in the race who seem hellbent on mucking it up with chants of "What do we want? A marginal improvement! When do we want it? Whenever we get around to it!"

Maybe Warren found a shiny quarter behind Jake Tapper's ear, and Tapper, unreasonably giddy over the magic trick Warren had just performed, agreed to try to help tee her up for MURRRRRDERRRRRRRR.

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Let's See How Hard CNN F*cks This Thing Up: Your Democratic Debate Liveblog!

Last exit before hell!

OH HEYYYYYYYY EVERYONE, are you happy to be here? Trick question, you can't leave now!

Anyway, tonight, in like 10 minutes, is night one of the Democratic debates on CNN, and because CNN is a common "CNN," you have to watch it at their website if you don't want to watch it on TV. (No linky for the stinky, you know where "CNN" is.)

So what will happen tonight? Will one of the Tim Ryans eat one of the other Tim Ryans? Will Marianne Williamson pull a total Marianne Williamson and chakra the living fuck out of the entire auditorium? Will Elizabeth Warren and Bernie FIGHT? Will Beto go on a road trip by himself to the dentist? STAY TUNED!

Shall we liveblog? We shall.

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Trump Wants To Break ONE TINY LAW To Install Ass-Kissing Acting DNI, Is That So Bad?


Quick update on the story we brought you Monday, of Trump picking John Ratfcliffe, the world's stupidest GOP congressman whose name isn't Devin Nunes or Louie Gohmert or Matt Gaetz or Mark Meadows or Jim Jordan or that guy who wants to know WHAR MICHAEL COHEN'S BOXES, to be the new director of national intelligence (DNI). As we noted, the law (THE LAW) states that in the absence of a confirmed DNI, the principal deputy director of national intelligence becomes the acting DNI. That woman's name is Sue Gordon and she is a career official who seems mostly liked by the professional intelligence community, therefore she is obviously not the ghoulish bootlicker Donald Trump wants in the position. Why, she probably would try to do her actual job, instead of politicizing the intel community to chase down and punish the villains of the Fox News conspiracy theories Trump finds between the folds of his orange buttocks!

So of course, CNN is reporting that Trump might try to "bypass protocol" in naming a new acting chief, which is CNN's way of saying he wants to BREAK THE LAW:

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