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Healthcare

Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin To Own Kids: 'A Pox Upon Thee!'

Like, literally. He made them get chickenpox, because he is A IDIOT.

Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin explained on a radio talk show that he loves his kids so much he deliberately exposed them all to chickenpox, which has potentially deadly side effects. But hey, they lived, so he's the freakin' parent of the century. Bevin said that he'd taken all his kids to the home of a neighbor whose child had chickenpox so they'd all get the disease, instead of getting them vaccinated, and by golly, he's proud of his medically risky decision. And if his kids get shingles later in life, he may not be around to blame anymore, so it's all good!

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News

John Kelly Available To Besmirch You In Racist, Sexist Manner At Your Next Event!

He's easily worth half the price.

Politico reports that acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney is set to become as permanent as anything gets in the rotating carousel bar that's the Trump administration.

"He has stayed out of a lot of people's way," said one senior administration official. "No one is saying he is killing it but staying out of people's way has helped."

Such high praise reminds us of previous chief of staff John Kelly, who wasn't very good at staying out of people's way. Kelly is famously choosy about his breakfasts but supportive of wife beaters in the White House. He fired Omarosa but was too stupid to notice she was dressed head to toe in recording devices. Jared and Ivanka eventually forced him out, and a grateful nation thanked him for his disservice.

Now Kelly is embarking on a new career in public speaking. That's an odd choice for someone who always looks constipated, but regardless you can pick up a gently used Kelly at Worldwide Speakers Group. His arrogant bluster is graded at "near-mint" condition, but his dignity is just "poor to good."

Kelly's profile on the site lists his hang-ups and turn-ons: For the right price, he'll tell you the difference between "governance" and "politics." He'll also pontificate on "geopolitics" and "leadership." He includes only one video of himself actually speaking publicly. That's as disappointing as an online dating profile that just has one bad photo -- from 15 years ago. Donald Trump's 2020 campaign manager, Brad Pascale, manages to have at least three samples of the quality speechifying you can expect for up to $25,000.

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News

Preet Bharara: OF COURSE We All Thought About Taping Trump. THAT F*CKER LIES!

'WHAT KIND OF AMATEUR DEEP STATE DO YOU THINK WE ARE?' (Not a quote from Preet Bharara.)

Former US Attorney Preet Bharara, whom Donald Trump fired for probably criminal reasons, went on the Ari Melber MSNBC program on Tuesday afternoon -- he's promoting a new book, which looks great -- and he shed some light on a subject that's come up time to time over the past couple of years, and it is Deep Staters (we kid! not really!) like himself talking about taping Donald Trump. In the process, he made some news, and it is that, just before Trump fired him for probably criminal reasons, he thought about taping Donald Trump. And why? Because FUCKER LIES. Therefore it might be a good idea to memorialize one's conversations with the shithole human being, just in case fucker decides to lie in public about a conversation you had with him.

Makes enough sense, right?

Bharara recounted how Trump originally asked him during the transition to stay on at the Southern District of New York -- which was in itself odd, as he was an Obama appointee -- and then it got weird when Trump started calling him. And Bharara was the only US attorney Trump was calling. And then it got super weird when Trump called him after the inauguration, outside normal protocols. And so Bharara revealed that he considered taping Trump, if he were to return the weird phone call he got in March, you know, just in case Trump did something weird and/or criminal and proceeded to lie about it. Bharara and his people decided not to return the phone call, and soon after Bharara was fired.

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News

John McCain's Ghost An Ingrate: Donald Trump

President Dangerfield gets no respect, yet again.

Donald Trump used the occasion of a speech at a tank factory in Ohio (which is busy creating jobs by building additional M1 battle tanks the Army didn't want) to call Elizabeth Warren "Pocahontas" again, as one does when discussing military readiness and pork-barrel spending. And while he was at it, he also took the chance to tell the crowd how much he still hates one veteran in particular, even though that veteran happens to be dead.

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Russia

Trump Just Told ISIS Where We'll Be Attacking, On The White House Lawn

Better or worse than on the Mar-a-Lago patio?

Donald Trump's week of calm, rational behavior continues.

Just kidding, we think he just broke his own landspeed record for saying dumbass things. In the space of 97 seconds on the White House lawn, on his way to We Don't Fucking Care Where, Trump did the following:

1. Waddled in reporters' general direction saying "NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION," because we guess that's just what he says now. Does he do it when he's all by himself? Maybe. Does he do it to remind himself of his line, because his brain is so broken he still forgets it, even though it's two whole words and he says it 40,000 times a day? Also maybe.

2. Expressed confusion over the existence of Robert Mueller, saying "man gets appointed by a deputy, he writes a report, never figured that one out."

3. Bragged about his historic election, the one where he barely squeaked by in the Electoral College, while losing the popular vote by almost three million sane human votes.

4. Got confused again about existence of Robert Mueller, because Robert Mueller did not have a historic election like he did. Nobody even voted for Robert Mueller!

5. Showed reporters a visual aid of "Middle East," to prove how he murdered ISIS. You see, the red parts used to be ISIS, but now there is just a red dot right here. SEE IT RIGHT HERE? Says troops are going to take out that red dot tonight. Hey, remember how Trump used to go on and on on the campaign trail about how Obama was a pussy because he always gave advance warnings when he was going to bomb stuff, because Trump is an idiot who doesn't understand that sometimes you might give advance warning so as to reduce civilian casualties, to cite one example? The point is that Trump totally Geraldo-ed some American troop movements. (Allegedly. He literally may have no fucking clue what the troops are doing tonight, because he doesn't pay attention during briefings.) This is not the first time he has done this. Or the second. Or the ...

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2020 democratic primary

That's Not What He Said! Mayor Pete / Hillary Clinton Edition

Oh for... no, that's not what he said.

As we mentioned in our piece about Pete Buttigieg's interview on the Morning Joe Coffee Achievers Show of Shows, the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, also did an interview with Esquire magazine, published yesterday. And wouldn't you know it, the magazine's choice of a pull quote has led a whole bunch of people on Twitter to decide that Pete Buttigieg shat all over Hillary Clinton and everyone who supported her, so fuck him, that fucking entitled millennial piece of shit.

Twitter being Twitter, there is not a hell of a lot of nuance in the discussion. And that's why Yr Wonkette, just last week, inaugurated what we're afraid will have to be a regular feature during Campaign 2020: "That's Not What She/He Said," in which we take various chunks of the Dems In Disarray Narrative and give 'em a good hosing-down. So let's take a look at the idea that Pete Buttigieg is a snotty terrible man who trashed Hillary Clinton, shall we? We shall!

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US of America News

Mexicans Build Home Security Walls With Stolen Razor Wire, And America Paid For It

We need WALL to protect our precious concertina wire. And another wall to protect that.

In news that ought to make for a nice subplot in a movie someday, we learn that Donald Trump's stupid, wasteful, militarily useless deployment of Army troops to the US-Mexico border has finally been good for someone. Thieves in Tijuana have been stealing lengths of concertina wire the military recently attached to the US side of existing border fences, and suddenly houses in parts of the city are sporting fancy new concertina-wire barriers to protect the properties from crime! Let's hear it for innovation and the entrepreneurial spirit!

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News

In Tonight's Performance, The Role Of 'Devin Nunes's Cow' Will Be Played By George Conway

President Shithole will be understudying for Devin Nunes, of course.

Just another normal day in the United States of Freedomland, where the apple pie is apple-y and the president is president-y ...

Quick, George, better get a joint defense agreement with Devin Nunes's cow, because you have really hurt Trump's feelings, which is illegal now.

Conway, of course, responded:

And this:

And also this Captain Queeg reference, because what's better than making fun of Donald Trump to his face? Making fun of him with jokes he's too stupid to understand:

Conway also retweeted all the other mean tweets he's sent about Trump in the past several days, because his real point seems to be forcing people to reckon with the fact that there is a literal madman in the Oval Office with the nuclear codes. (And his wife is trapped in there!)

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Education

Florida Man Gonna Save Kids From All That Porn In School Libraries

Florida teens wonder where exactly the porn is.

A pair of bills introduced in the Florida state legislature in February are aimed at cleaning all the dirty books from Florida schools, and at jailing any librarians or teachers who might allow a student to read filth like A Clockwork Orange or Toni Morrison's Beloved or The Bluest Eye. The bills, pushed by the rightwing Florida Citizens Alliance, would allow any Florida resident -- not just parents -- to challenge a book, and would make distribution of materials deemed "pornographic" or "harmful to minors" in schools a third-degree felony. No big -- that's only a five-year prison sentence and fine up to $5,000. Per bad book.

The sponsor of the Hose version of the bill, state Rep. Mike Hill, just knows the schools are full of porn.

The purpose of the bill is to remove pornography out of our public schools, which is existing there today. I've seen it firsthand [...] It is simply trying to protect our children.

The text of the bill, Florida HB 855, is pretty darn sweeping! The "harmful to minors" standard is defined thusly:

[Any] reproduction, imitation, characterization, description, exhibition, presentation, or representation, of whatever kind or form, depicting nudity, sexual conduct, or sexual excitement when it: (a) Predominantly appeals to a prurient, shameful, or morbid interest; (b) Is patently offensive with respect to what is suitable material or conduct for minors; and (c) Depicts an image or text that meets the definition of "deviate sexual intercourse."

But don't worry! Some depictions of sex or naughty bits would still be allowed in "materials used in a formal, scheduled sex education course." Which of course would require written permission (and possibly a character reference from a pastor). Also, we checked the relevant Florida statute to find out what in Florida constitutes "deviate sexual intercourse." It's truly wild stuff!

"Deviate sexual intercourse" means sexual conduct between persons not married to each other consisting of contact between the penis and the anus, the mouth and the penis, or the mouth and the vulva.
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News

Trump Had A Playdate With A Fellow Fascist Dipsh*t Today

Everything about Trump's appearances with Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro has been just really really stupid.

An unhinged wannabe fascist who tweets about golden showers did a news conference in the Rose Garden this afternoon. Also, Donald Trump was there.

Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro is in town, and everything about today's public appearance with Trump and Bolsonaro has been real stupid, just like how it was real stupid when Bolsonaro's stupid son was the stupid guest of honor the other night at a stupid Steve Bannon event at the stupid Trump trash palace hotel in DC.

During their pool spray, Trump excitedly told reporters that he was making plans to give NATO privileges to Brazil, because of how Brazil elected a big gross dipshit just like America did. Of course, considering how Trump treats actual NATO countries, Bolsonaro might want to reconsider whether he wants that.

Then a reporter asked him about his blubbering whiny-ass attacks on John McCain, who is still dead.

That's right, Donald Trump didn't even avoid the question about his very embarrassing behavior. He spoke about McCain as if McCain were still alive, whined about McCain killing Obamacare repeal, and concluded by saying, "I was never a fan of John McCain, and I never will be." As for McCain, he will continue living rent-free in the president's nightmares and his face will be the face of Trump's insecurities, because we guess that's what happens to John McCains when they die.

But enough about the pool spray! After they met in the Oval Office and did whatever fascists who should be prohibited entry to the White House via an electric doggie fence do (sniffed each other's butts, probably), they entered the Rose Garden and proceeded to hike their legs on democracy some more.

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SCOTUS

Devin Nunes Sues Devin Nunes's Cow For Alienation (And Sedition) Of Affection

Oh you dumb idiot bastard.

This morning, after giving Fox News a 12-hour head start with a yet-to-be-filed copy, Devin Nunes and a Virginia lawyer who may not have the best interests of a free press at heart sued some folks. They sued Twitter, and some punk GOP operative woman who probably sucks, and her (they allege) conspirators, Devin Nunes' Mom and Devin Nunes' Cow.

Wonkette would like to take this opportunity to sue Devin Nunes' Cow for stealing our shtick, the one we invented and which is very extraordinarily clever, and I came up with it and then set Evan loose on it one day when I noticed haw haw that Devin Nunes studied animal HUSBANDRY and even though I know that is just fancy for "farming," I said, "HEY, DO YOU THINK DEVIN NUNES IS FUCKING HIS COW?" Sure, it's no Jerry Falwell losing his virginity to his mother in an outhouse -- because it's ONE MILLION TIMES FUNNIER, STUPID DUMB LARRY FLYNT! The Supreme Court -- at least in the old liberal Rehnquist days, lol -- it would doubtless agree!

Oh, wait, we just remembered you can't copyright an idea, which makes us a better lawyer than Devin Nunes's Virginia dude. Allegedly. We opine.

Nunes's grievances are many -- as they should be with a demand that the courts award him $250 million -- and they are dumb.

How Dumb Are They?

Devin Nunes and his Free Speech Hero lawyer, Steven Biss -- who once sued a paper for printing "fake news" about a school board member that was actually very real news -- have several complaints. (After a very long introduction in which it is explained for no reason at all that Devin Nunes once introduced a bill for The Troops.) The first complaint, about which we do not care, is that Nunes claims he is being "shadowbanned" by Twitter. Fox News's Judge Andrew Napolitano made quick work of that one; a private company, despite being the new "town square," does not have to give untrammeled access to its platform, and may in fact, thanks to the Communications Decency Act, censor people. This was to Devin Nunes's benefit yesterday when Twitter suspended user Devin Nunes' Mom for being gross and mean and VERY hilarious and sounding just exactly like a common Wonkette.

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News

Does Deutsche Bank LIKE IT When Trump Is Nasty?

A new report in the New York Times suggests the bank has known Trump was screwing them all along, and they've just gone along with it. Totally normal!

We know a few things about Donald Trump's richness, or lack of it. We know he's been shall we say reticent about releasing his tax returns for several years running, and many suspect it's partially because they show that he isn't as rich as he says he is. We know Michael Cohen testified to Congress that Trump would rig up his financial statements, either to inflate his assets -- like when he was trying to buy something big like the Buffalo Bills or get financing for big projects, to make it look like he could afford it, AKA bank fraud -- or deflate them, like if he was trying to commit insurance fraud. ALLEGEDLY.

Rachel Maddow had a fascinating and hilarious report a couple weeks ago about a particular asset on those financial disclosure forms, Trump's Seven Springs estate in Bedford, New York, which he bought for $7.5 million in 1995, but suddenly in 2012 Trump decided for the purposes of a financial disclosure that it was worth $291 MILLION DOLLARS IN AMERICAN CURRENCY. The next year, the tax assessor put it at $18.9 million. (Trump is apparently bad at hiding these things in plain sight.)

Whenever the subject of Trump's weird money comes up, the discussion inevitably leads to Deutsche Bank, which has its own massive problems (Russian money laundering, anyone?), and which kept giving Trump money, long after every other American bank decided Trump was dead to them -- even after Trump personally screwed Deutsche Bank. And the question has always been OMG LOL WTF WHYYYYYYYYY?

Oh yeah, another thing we know about Trump's relationship with Deutsche Bank? One of the times he tried to have special counsel Robert Mueller fired, it was because there were news reports that Mueller was requesting records pertaining to Trump's relationship with Deutsche Bank. So that is interesting and strange and kind of screams "THERE ARE CRIMES HERE, LOOK HERE FOR THE CRIMES."

David Enrich at the New York Times published a gigantic thing yesterday that tells us one important thing, which is that it seems Deutsche Bank totally knew Trump was screwing them in real time, that they knew multiple times he was lying about his assets, and they ... just kept working with him anyway! Like you do!

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2016 Presidential Election

Brother Of The Year Sells His Sister's Hoohoo-Peener Pics For $200K

And AMI editor claims NO KNOWLEDGE.

Okay, Wonkers, grab those bonbons and settle in for your stories. It must be sweeps week, since we've got the Trash Twins and Jeff Bezos's Wandering Dick back in the rotation.

Back in February, The Daily Beast confirmed that Michael Sanchez was the National Enquirer's source for the leaked texts between Jeff Bezos and his sister Lauren Sanchez. You know, just in case anyone failed to work that out when Elkan Abramowitz, the lawyer for the magazine's parent company American Media (AMI), went on television and announced that the source was "well known to both Mr. Bezos and Miss Sanchez." Now The Wall Street Journal has gotten details of the contract, confirming that Sanchez did indeed sell a photo of his own sister's pink bits for $200,000. Stay classy, bro, we know you will!

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Russia

Putin's Latest Fascist Law Will Make Trump Jizz Himself SILLY

The good news is that Trump is too stupid and ineffective to ever make anything like this happen in America. MAYBE.

Time for a quick dispatch from Russia, where Donald Trump's handler Vladimir Putin just signed a law that would/will make Trump literally squeal with jealousy. Tell us, Bloomberg:

President Vladimir Putin signed laws punishing online media and individuals for spreading "fake news" or material that's considered insulting to Russian officials.

Prosecutors can now complain about online publications to the state communications watchdog, which has powers to block access to the websites if their owners fail to remove the material promptly. Publications found guilty of spreading "unreliable socially significant information" may face fines of as much as 1.5 million rubles ($23,000).

Individuals also face fines and up to 15 days in jail if they publish material online that expresses "clear disrespect for society, the state, the official state symbols of the Russian Federation, the Constitution of the Russian Federation and bodies exercising state power."

That's about what we'd expect from the guy who, in 2013, banned "gay propaganda" to minors, by which they meant being open and honest about the fact that gay people exist. (That law is not all that different from a bill that has often been introduced in the shithole totalitarian nation of ... um, Tennessee.)

So anyway, with the signing of this new bill, you can officially get in trouble in Russia -- we say "officially" because you could already get murdered by Putin's thugs for saying something mildly critical about the government or being gay or being a journalist who tells the truth -- if you say mean swears about Russian government officials (all of whom should go fuck themselves with a Matryoshka doll) or if you propagate "fake news," which in an authoritarian state means news that displeases Dear Leader. (Also Donald Trump's definition.)

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News

George And Kellyanne Conway Fighting Again, About How Her Boss Is Psychopath Who Will Kill Us All

And what did your husband say about YOUR boss today?

Uh oh, looks like George Conway, husband of Kellyanne, is going to be sleeping on the couch for another week, because they are having That Fight They Always Have, the one where he says her boss (the president) is certifiably mentally unstable, and she's like "nuh uh," and we guess she reminds him that if that so-called certifiably mentally unstable person wasn't president, then she wouldn't be making a government salary for going on Fox News and lying to the American people.

It started this weekend with Donald Trump's latest Twitter rampage, which is still going on, and which avid watchers of Trump's Twitter habits agree seems to suggest that he is real upset about something. Like, more than usual. The sort of upset he gets when Robert Mueller is about to arrest his son, maybe. You know, ALLEGEDLY.

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Russia

Inconsolable Dipsh*t Demands Dead Guy Stop Hurting His Feelings

Donald Trump's feud with the ghost of John McCain continues.

If you are a normal American, you might have spent your Sunday celebrating St. Patrick's Day. Or maybe you just had brunch or maybe you cleaned your house or maybe you just lay around and watched Netflix. But if you were the president of the United States, you were celebrating the Day Of The Dead (Guy Who Refuses To Stop Hurting Your Feelings Even Though He Is Dead), which means you telegraphed your insecurities by tweeting insults at John McCain, who is, again, a dead person.

We feel like we say this a lot, but this is not normal.

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