Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Will Tear Off Your Head And Do A Poop Down Your Neck, For Drug Money Probably
Would you believe that Rob Ford is still the Mayor of Toronto? Of course you would, because the man does not know the meaning of "give up." Literally. He is so wrecked he may not even know his own name anymore. Here is a snippet of completely context-free video of Ford ranting in an impaired manner about killing somebody. And he'll be fast about it. He could kill this guy in five, ten minutes -- just like Jerry Seinfeld getting a table in a Chinese restaurant.
There is no indication of when the video was made, the identity of the off-camera person Ford is talking to, or who it is that Ford wants to kill, but the guy sure is animated. We bet he could have a great career in a dinner theater adaptation of Goodfellas someday. Hopefully very soon.
The video was purchased by the Toronto Star for an undisclosed amount; the Toronto Sun says it was quoted a price of $3000 to $5000, which they declined to pay -- although that's in Canadian money, so it either cost something like 28 or a million real dollars, we forget which.
Among other sentiments expressed by Ford in the brief audition tape for North America's Most Disturbing Mayors, he says
- “I’m gonna kill that fucking guy. I’m telling you, it’s first-degree murder... But I'll fight him. I'll [arglebargle]... He dies or I die, brother."
- "Brother, you've never seen me fucking go... But when he's down, I'll rip his fucking throat out. I'll poke his eyes out. I will, fuck, when he's dead, you help me make sure that motherfucker's dead. I need fucking ten minutes to make sure he's dead. It'll be over in five minutes."
- "It'll be a bad scene... I am a sick motherfucker, dude... Like no one’s gonna fuck around with me."
Judging by his wildly fluctuating estimates of needing five to as much as fifteen minutes to accomplish the deed, it is reasonably clear that Ford has no actual experience with actually killing a man with his bare hands and ripping out his throat, according to a psychotic serial killer kept on retainer by your Wonkette.
An unnamed source who is "close to the Mayor" told the Sun that the video does show Ford, but that it "looks a lot worse than it really is" since "he sometimes goes off on tangents." The source almost certainly followed this observation by adding
What are they gonna say about him? What are they gonna say? That he was a kind man? That he was a wise man? That he had plans, man? That he had wisdom? Bullshit, man! You don't talk to the Mayor. You listen to him, man.
Also, as a rule of thumb, when an unnamed friend of Rob Ford says something "looks a lot worse than it really is," it is probably safe to assume that it is exactly as bad as it looks.
Following the release of the video, Ford did another of his glassy-eyed hallway press conferences, where he said,
“The Toronto Star just released a video that I was very, very inebriated.”
“All I can say is, again, I’ve made mistakes. I just wanted to come out and tell you I saw a video. It’s extremely embarrassing. The whole world’s going to see it. You know what? I don’t have a problem with that.”
“I hope none of you have ever or will ever be in that state. Obviously, I was extremely, extremely inebriated.”
He then returned to his office, promising that he was getting back to the important work he was elected to do, and explaining that he could not resign now, not here, not right in the fucking middle of bat country.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.