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Totally Not Gay Andrew Shirvell Ordered To Pay $4.5 Million For Heterosexually Stalking Gay College Student

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Lispy former Michigan Assistant Attorney General Andrew Shirvell, who is absolutely not gay, will have to pay $4.5 million in damages just because he stalked, harassed, and obsessively chronicled the private life of former University of Michigan student body president Chris Armstrong (Gay-Go Blue!).


Naturally, he plans to appeal the verdict. Shirvell isn’t going to just lie there and take this punishment like some sissy bottom.

"It's absolutely, 100% outrageous," he told the Free Press. "It's way excessive.

"The whole case is about politics. Every conservative Christian in the nation should be scared from this. This is the radical homosexual lobby trying to make an example out of me. Every conservative Christian in the nation should know that they are going to come after you if you object to their lifestyle, that they are going to crucify you in the public arena."

The crucifixion is a metaphor Shirvell goes back to quite a bit. How Jesus was beaten and abused, his taut body stripped naked and left hanging on the cross…

And so Andrew Shirvell has resisted, with great internal fortitude, the radical homosexual lobby’s efforts to recruit him to their erotic immoral homosexual lifestyle. He also made it his life’s work to protect other impressionable young men from Armstrong’s seductive powers. Mainly by picketing outside the undergraduate’s home and saying he is a "privileged pervert" exactly like a Nazi in every way.

You’d think the authorities would give Shirvell a medal for bravely protecting naïve and smooth undergrads from Armstrong’s insidious recruiting techniques, but no.

Instead, the Godless secular government says Shirvell has to pay several million dollars for “harassing” Armstrong. Why doesn’t anyone understand that Shirvell is the real victim? Chris Armstrong’s very existence is harassing poor Andrew Shirvell!

How is a nice Christian boy, alone in his bed, supposed to sleep when he knows somewhere in the world Chris Armstrong might be nakedly grinding his body against another man? It’s enough to make Andrew Shirvell so furious that he feels like he could just explode. [Detroit Free Press]

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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