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Politics

Stock Market Sick Of Winning

Because you need a good tariffsplainer!

How many times during the 2016 election did Donald Trump promise that he would solve every complex, intractable problem very quickly with his bigly masculine hands? From the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to healthcare, from urban violence to Afghanistan, President Arty McDeals swore that he alone could fix it. Generations of presidents had failed because they were weak, but he was strong and virile, so world leaders would cower before him, and America would be respected again.

Only it didn't work out that way, because hard problems are actually hard. And nowhere was Trump's bombast more ridiculous than his vow to wipe out our trade deficit with China. Because Xi Jinping isn't some concrete contractor from Canarsie who's going to take an 80 percent haircut on his bill because he doesn't have a choice. He's the leader of the most populous country on the planet, which is the US's largest trading partner, and happens to own $1.2 trillion of US debt. He's got an iron grip on China's economy and its media. And there's no way on Mao's red earth that he's going to roll over because some orange-haired loon offers him "the most beautiful chocolate cake" at Mar-a-Lago while simultaneously threatening to destroy the Chinese economy.

The problem is, Donald Trump only has the one play. All he knows how to do is act like the craziest bastard in the room and keep upping the ante in hopes the other guy folds. Which is how we find ourselves here, with the stock market posting its worst day of the year yesterday after China devalued its currency and vowed to halt all American agricultural imports. And, okay, the stock market isn't a perfect heuristic for the wider economy, but a 767-point drop in the Dow is a pretty bad sign.

So, what exactly are we looking at here? Well ...

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Featured

Trump Just Taxed The Sh*t Out Of Your Tomatoes, Strawberries, And Cars

President Best Brain having syphillucinations again.

Trade wars are good, and easy to win! So easy that Donald Trump is launching another one with Mexico to deal with immigration. Last night, President Crazytweets announced that he's invoking the International Emergency Economic Powers Act to deal with our "illegal immigration crisis." Yeah, he's going to pull the fire alarm again to upend the entire US economy using a statute meant to grant the president extraordinary powers in a worldwide catastrophe. Having failed to make Mexico pay for WALL, Trump is now slapping punitive tariffs on all $346 billion of Mexican imports until Mexico does God only knows what to stop desperate Central American migrants from lawfully presenting themselves at the US border and begging for asylum. Good thing Franklin Graham has called a national day of prayer on Sunday to pray for this, our most godly president.

The PLAN, if indeed it can be called that, is to impose a five percent tariff on all Mexican imports beginning on June 10, escalating on the first of each subsequent month that Mexico fails to "STOP" Central American migration, capping out at 25 percent in October. Taken with our Chinese trade adventurism, by autumn, we could wind up with 25 percent tariffs on $1.25 trillion of goods from our first and third largest trading partners. And NO, China and Mexico will not be paying those tariffs, because STFU.

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Trade War

Trump To Give Farmers Another Twenty Or Fifty Bucks Each, NOW SHUT UP ABOUT IT

Sure hope China doesn't start subsidizing its industries, or this could get messy!

Donald Trump plans to spend another $16 billion to bail out farmers who have been hurt by Donald Trump's trade war with China, according to Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue. That's on top of the $12 billion bailout Trump already promised farmers last year. That seems like a really smart way to run a trade war: Raise prices on consumers, and then send taxpayer funds to pay off farmers who are losing business, so maybe they'll keep voting for Trump.

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News

Poor Marks. Wonkagenda For Wed., March 6, 2019

Trump's stonewalling and screaming, Republicans are squirming, and a lovely tribute for Rep. John Dingell. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Chinaman Not The Preferred Nomenclature, Trump. Wonkagenda For Tues., Feb. 26, 2019

Michael Cohen has 'EARTH SHATTERING' news, Trump trying to steal Uncle Sam's purse, and 9/11 first responders need our help. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Another Bill In The Wall. Wonkagenda For Fri., Feb. 22, 2019

Trump STILL can't get his wall money, Alex Acosta broke the law, and Dame Peggington hates commie kids. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today!

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News

Mike Pence Embarasses Himself (Again). Wonkagenda For Mon., Feb. 18, 2019

Andy McCabe goes on 60 Minutes, Heather Nauert quit-fired, and LA's 'army of cats.' Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

EMERGENCY! ACHTUNG! Wonkagenda For Fri., Feb. 15, 2019

Trump to steal $8 billion for WALL, the TVA goes green, and Adam Schiff takes on Facebook's anti-vaxxer problem. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

ANOTHER Government Shutdown!?! Wonkagenda For Mon., Feb. 11, 2019.

Trump demands WALL (again), everyone is still talking about Jeff Bezos's dick pics, and so much more. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Trump's Nixon Moment. Wonkagenda For Wed., Feb. 6, 2019

Democrats refuse to stand for Trump's American carnage, Stacey Abrams is PERFECT, and Robert Mueller is following the rubles. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today!

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News

Something's Coming. Wonkagenda For Fri., Feb. 01, 2019

Trump falls asleep in history class, Cory Booker announces his 2020 run, and net neutrality shenanigans. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Getting Hot In Herre! Wonkagenda For Tues.,  Jan. 29, 2019

Meatball is cooked, Kamala kicks ass, and everyone hates Howard Schultz. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

'No Cave!' Wonkagenda For Tues., Jan. 22, 2019

Trump's shutdown drags on, and Rudy doesn't care what you put on his grave. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

OK, MAYBE There Was Collusion.  Wonkagenda For Thurs., Jan. 17, 2019

ALLEGEDLY drunk Rudy Giuliani denies his denial, Michael Cohen ALLEGEDLY paid $50,000 to be an internet sex symbol, and Trump to re-start Star Wars. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Trade War

Black Farmers Not Interested In Serving In Trump's Trade War

White farmers mostly okay with it.

Months ago, we brought you the story of those intrepid soybean farmers who steadfastly cling to their support for Trump. Some of these men were even willing to die for Trump's bullshit; this is how insane America is right now. These men are also the most important people in the nation, besides the coal miners, and the MAGA people who feel marginalized by coworkers speaking Spanish, so it is very important that we keep tabs on them. Last time we saw them, they were still supporting Trump, even though their soybeans were rotting in the fields due to high storage prices and retaliatory tariffs. Things were already rough for them, and they were in desperate need of those promised payments from the federal government, but instead Trump ate their faces off, and it was "sad."

This week, that obstinate orange foolius is up to his old trick of lying to the only people who believe him these days; he attended the 100th annual convention of the American Farm Bureau Federation. He went there to whine about his stupid wall, not to help the farmers, so you were probably fooled by that but good.

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News

He Never Said 'Mexico.' Wonkagenda For Fri., Jan. 11, 2019

Trump "maybe definitely" declaring national emergency, federal workers get checks for $0, and RBG is just fine. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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