Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. was supposed to bethe FUTURE. Now our paranoid schizophrenic angel has decided to give up on us after failing to make it on the ballot. Pagels called Wonkette, the world's number-one source for Pagels information (besides that Wisconsin court database) to deliver the bad news. "I'm just letting you know I'm getting out of the race for U.S. Senate," he said, heartbreakingly. "God bless you." At times like these it is easy to decide that you will never be elected to office. But that is not what HISTORY says.

Go in your time machine and tell a man named Barack Obama that he should have given up after losing his Congressional primary only 10 years ago. Go to 1974 and tell a man named Bill Clinton to quit after he lost his House race in a landslide. Go back to just about any time in George W. Bush's life and tell him he should continue to give up on his easy failure of a life via alcohol and drugs.

This is not the end. But still we mourn you for this campaign, Ernest.

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And also here is this tribute song we made:

Now we depart. But stay strong, Ernest. Keep publicly urinating on homosexuality, abortion, and pornography.


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