Triggering The Libs: A How-To Guide For Conservatives
We're just all kinds of bent out of shape by this.
The Conservative Political Action Conference is still groaning along for one last day before it has to clear out for a boat show or something, but before it fades away, we have this news of former Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke, who explained Friday why he always wears his cowboy hat and those 37 pieces of flair:
David Clarke admits that he makes fashion decisions based on his desire to simply piss off the left. You sure showed us! pic.twitter.com/xjLQiREzDk— Right Wing Watch (@RightWingWatch) February 23, 2018
There's another reason I like to wear this hat, boots, and everything else: It pisses off the Left. And any time I get a chance to tweak them, I do it.
Oh, David. David, David, David. What are we to do with you if you insist on being more clueless than Ted Cruz? We didn't think it even possible, but if you think liberals are offended or even pissed off by your cowboy hat or your full-dress doorman's uniform, then you, dear, are truly dumber than we thought. No, we find your stupid hat the least objectionable thing about you. We make fun of it for you because it, and the uniform you had to stop wearing because you resigned, makes such fine shorthand for the morass of fake patriotism, bullying swagger, and disdain for the rule of law that makes up your ideology. You could wear a suit and tie -- or tie-dye and patchouli -- and still be an asshole. If you think it's the hat we're bothered by, and not your little habit of talking like a fascist and letting people die in your jail, then you go right on wearing that hat because it triggers the libs.
ShareBlue's Oliver Willis, of course, knows what we need to do now:
It's so true! We are all kinds of triggered and offended when conservatives drop their pants and lay a big ol load of bumfudge right out in public. Just makes us feel like George Soros hasn't been paying us enough. If Tomi Lahren pooped in public specifically, we would especially hate it. Oh, we would just grind our teeth and howl with rage.
And so, we'd like to present some other secrets for Triggering the Libs, so that conservatives will know exactly what pushes our buttons and leaves us writhing with impotent rage, crushing our atheist Jesus-free Starbucks cups in our tiny beta cuck fists and writing anguished appeals for solidarity to the Vassar alumni fund. You want to trigger us really bad? Here's what would do it:
- If Donald Trump threw a Russian pee hooker birthday party for Devin Nunes, we would feel triggered.
- If conservatives coming to Wonkette for the first time observed conventions of punctuation and capitalization, and didn't indulge in logical fallacies, we would probably be so triggered we'd never run "Dear Shitferbrains" again. And as atheist, we would scarcely know what to do with our Sundays. Probably weep.
- We would be very, very triggered if Sean Hannity refused to go on TV ever again unless he's allowed to dress in drag.
- Imagine if, the next time a Supreme Court seat comes open, Mitch McConnell and Donald trump just up and said, "It was wrong to have denied Barack Obama the right to replace Antonin Scalia. Just let him give us a list of five nominees, and we'll meet with him to choose a justice who's both well-qualified and progressive. It's only fair. Make sure it's someone under the age of 45, too." Gosh, if that happened, we'd be so triggered we wouldn't know what to think. We'd march in the streets and cry the bitterest tears. We'd suspect a microaggression, even.
- If Fox News carefully fact-checked all their stories, we would be triggered. We'd go positively ballistic if they issued a correction and apology when they get something egregiously wrong. If they studiously avoided repeating an error they'd been called on, we might never stop seething.
- If Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade just lunged at each other over whatever leggy blonde is in the middle of the couch and started making out, like, right there in her lap, we would be triggered, because that would surely offend the gay community. Especially if, as they played tonsil hockey, they waved rainbow flags. Honestly, that could just leave everybody without the will to ever have a pride march again.
- Mere words would probably never suffice to express how triggered we would be, were Ted Cruz to take a vow of silence. We would probably just stop publishing Wonkette if that happened. Or maybe we'd continue, somehow, but we would be ever so sad.
- We might have to form a support group and open a GoFundMe for how triggered we'd be if Scott Pruitt said he'd thought it over and decided EPA policies should be informed by the best possible science, and that the near-universal consensus of climate scientists can't possibly be wrong. Our brains would truly explode from triggeredness if he declared the Paris climate accord a good start, but not nearly aggressive enough in its efforts to reduce greenhouse emissions. We would be such snowflakes about that. The many liberal tears we would cry might lead to sea-level rise, even.
- If Republicans in the House and Senate undid the tax cut bill, passed single payer healthcare, granted citizenship to all undocumented immigrants, and demanded a constitutional amendment enshrining reproductive rights, we would be so very triggered we'd probably just drop out of political activity altogether, since Democrats would have nothing to run on anymore. Particularly if, right after that, they all pooped in public.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.