Jolly Old Trump Celebrates 77th Birthday At Bedminster. Will This Be His Last Free One?

Cry more.

Former Trump White House Chief of Staff John Kelly assesses Donald Trump's mental state ever since he walked into the courthouse yesterday to confront the first day of the rest of his life:   

“He’s scared shitless,” said [Kelly]. “This is the way he compensates for that. He gives people the appearance he doesn’t care by doing this. For the first time in his life, it looks like he’s being held accountable. Up until this point in his life, it’s like, I’m not going to pay you, take me to court. He’s never been held accountable before.”

By "this," he meant Trump's sadly hilarious display at his Bedminster resort last night, where his aides stuck a pacifier in his mouth by inviting some of the stupidest and worst people God ever created to sit and watch him seethe and cry for a few minutes.

 The Senate's very stupidest Republican Tommy Tuberville was there, and the MyPillow Guy, and Sebastian Gorka, the Trump Nazi with the fake Hungarian accent and the 4-cylinder Mustang who talks like "ZISS VAHT MAKE ME VERY ANGRY VITTTT YOU!" (At least he used to have a 4-cylinder Mustang. He might have bought a Jeep with an automatic transmission or something.)

Also some other bad stupid idiots.

“It’s part public relations and part babysitting,” said Stephanie Grisham, one of Trump’s former White House press secretaries. “He wants people to see the cheering crowds so they don’t think anything is going wrong. It’s also because the staff around him want to keep him busy and wants to have people cheering for him and giving him the ego stroke that he’ll need so they don’t have to deal with him being completely pissed.”

Sounds right. Wouldn't want to make poor Trump valet Waltine Nauta clean ketchup off Bedminster's walls. He's busy also being indicted in Trump's conspiracy.

 Is Tommy Tuberville's Reaction To Trump Indictment The Stupidest One, Or Does He Have Competition? 

 ZEE TRUMP NAZI ISS VERY ANGRY AT ZEE SOCCER LADY! 

Rachel Maddow announced on MSNBC last night that they wouldn't be carrying Trump's speech live, and so did CNN's Jake Tapper, which was a welcome journalistic move. If this is an immediate effect of Chris Licht's ass getting punted out a window, we're glad for it. "[T]here is a cost to us as a news organization to knowingly broadcast untrue things," said Maddow, anticipating the "litany of lies and false accusations" that would come. "We're not carrying his remarks live because frankly he says a lot of things that are not true and sometimes potentially dangerous," said Tapper.

And oh boy, Fox News was mad about that, at least when it wasn't soiling its pants putting up chyrons about Joe Biden being a "wannabe dictator" who had just had his political rival arrested.

“lol”

— nikki mccann ramírez (@nikki mccann ramírez) 1686704098 

Cry until you can't cry anymore.

Now, about that speech.

Yes, it was full of lies and it was batshit and it wasn't worth watching live. But it's worth documenting, not only because it's the first time a former president has spoken publicly after being indicted, but also because if you are the type of person who derives joy from watching that thin-skinned loser fuckin' Milk Toast literally crawling out of his skin he's so angry and terrified, then you will enjoy watching these clips.

Remember: Whatever he is expressing on the outside, it probably feels 10 times worse inside.

 Start here:  

“One for the ages here”

— jordan (@jordan) 1686705215 

"I did everything right and they INDIIIIIICTED MEEEEEE!" That's your new ringtone.

Just so angry.

 Aaron Rupar did a thread, like he usually does.

 Trump throughout lied and referred to the nuclear secrets and other documents he stole as "my own presidential papers" — that stupid airhead has always thought they were "MY DOCUMENTS!" — and claimed the Espionage Act didn't apply, but rather the Presidential Records Act. Of course, he admits on tape he didn't declassify these things, and none of these particular crimes were committed when he was president. You fucks around and you finds out.

 But watch him seethe and hiss and slur and grit his teeth as he tells these absolute lies. Hell, you can even watch it with the sound off, his desperation comes through:

“(Trump wasn't president for the conduct he was indicted for)”

— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1686703463 

"The president enjoys unconstrained authority to make decisions regarding the disposal of documents. That's unconstrained to make that decision. Neither the archivist nor Congress has the authority to veto the president's decision." He's so furious anyone is questioning his authority. When he was president, he liked to lie and say, "I have an Article II, where I have the right to do whatever I want." Now he's a literal nobody with no authority. Womp womp.

We think this is our favorite of all his excuses for why he had stolen nuclear secrets in those boxes. He simply hadn't had time to go through them! They were full of "shirts and shoes" and nuclear secrets and battle plans and the great big underpants he wears on Tuesday and the great big underpants he wears on Wednesday and just so many things!

“Trump lies that the images in the indictment are "staged photos." He claims the boxes had "shirts and shoes" in them (they also had highly classified documents, which is the problem!)”

— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1686703463 

Also the pictures were staged. And the boxes were neatly arranged. And full of press clippings and pictures and maybe some old hamberders he saved for later and forgot about and nuclear secrets and other classified documents. "I hadn't had a chance to go through all the boxes! It's a long, tedious job, takes a long time. Which I was prepared to do, but I have a very busy life!"

 Giphy 

 Here's the most pathetic part, which means it's our favorite. Trump wishes himself a happy birthday, because his birthday is today. He's not having a very good birthday, thanks Joe Biden, thanks Deep State, thanks Witch Hunt.

“Trump takes a big ol' sip of water and wishes himself a happy birthday. His paying customers start singing to him. Trump points out that his birthday was kinda weird being he's facing 400 years in the slammer.”

— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1686703463 

"Happy birthday! Great birthday! Nice birthday, isn't it!" And the idiots sing to him. "I was with Eric, Lara and the kids. 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDPA!' I said oh great, I just got charged with they want 400 years approximately, if you add 'em up all up, a FAKE 400 YEARS ..."

It ain't gonna feel fake once those gates slam behind you, dude.

He was so mad. And like John Kelly said, scared shitless too. He raged about Jack Smith being a "raging lunatic" who was "shipped off to The Hague to prosecute war criminals using (((globalist))) tribunals," just after whining that Smith had also "tried to railroad John Edwards." (Google it.) He shouted that Smith looks like "a thug." He smeared Smith's wife. 

 And finally here's where he probably made the most news, declaring that if he wins he will specifically appoint a special prosecutor to "go after Biden" and "the entire Biden crime family." You know, because this is all a game to him and his pigfucking followers, and it's all projection. As if he isn't indicted in great detail for stealing government secrets and then trying to hide them from the feds. As if he's not likely to soon be indicted for inciting a terrorist attack against America as part of his campaign to overthrow the government and steal power.

He referred to Biden as "the most corrupt president in the history of the United States of America." The audience screamed "Lock him up!" much like they screamed it about Hillary Clinton so long ago. (You know, for Beltway idiots who want to buy into the narrative that Jack Smith's indictment somehow crossed a Rubicon.)

“Trump vows that if he wins the presidency, he will appoint a special prosecutor to "go after Biden" and "the entire Biden crime family." "I will totally obliterate the deep state," Trump adds. "I am the only one who can save this nation."”

— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1686704006 

 You Can't Lock Up Donald Trump, 'DICTATOR JOE,' He Is Not Hillary Clinton 

So that was the speech. It's good it didn't air live on real networks. It's better to mock it mercilessly the next day and revel in Trump's fear and misery.

You know, for the historical record.

Happy 77th birthday, Donald. Will this be your last free one ever?

[ Washington Post ]

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here. 

Just got to BlueSky! 

I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.

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