Trump Mad You Need ID To Buy Cheerios, But All You Need For Voter Fraud Is A Sexy French Maid Costume

At the end of July, Donald Trump did a rally for a group of collected Florida Men, and he said with a straight face that you need an ID to go to the grocery store:

"You know, if you go out and you want to buy groceries, you need a picture on a card, you need ID," Trump continued. "You go out and you want to buy anything, you need ID and you need your picture."

At the time, defenders of Trump said things like "DURR DURR DURR MAYBE HE MEANT WHEN YOU BUY BEER OR CIGARETTES OR ROMANTIC SEXXX CONDOMS SO YOU DON'T GET YOUR COUSIN PREGGERS AGAIN." (They did not say the thing about romantic supplies. We are just being mean.)


Well, he said it again, and no, he was not talking about beer or wine or contraceptives for #MAGa Cousin Speed Dating Night down at the Shoney's.

In an interview with the bootlicking Daily Caller, while whining about Brenda Snipes, who supervises elections in Broward County, Florida, Trump opened his mouth and said:

"If you buy a box of cereal — you have a voter ID," Trump continued. "They try to shame everybody by calling them racist, or calling them something, anything they can think of, when you say you want voter ID. But voter ID is a very important thing."

He really thinks you have to show ID to buy Frosted Flakes. They try to shame people who say otherwise by calling them racist, but Donald Trump knows it's true.

HOW THE FUCK DOES HE THINK THIS? This is not one of those "He's rich! He hasn't bought groceries for himself in years! Why, last time Trump bought groceries, that was before the FDA made Honey Bunches Of Oats street legal!" things.

Trump said other lies about illegal voting, because he's pant-shitting scared about what's going to happen with the count in Florida, and he's so pathetically upset that everybody is calling this blue wave an actual blue wave, instead of a red tsunami in honor of Dear Leader. So of course, he has tons of conspiracy theories about what's going on in Florida. Like, you know, people with fake mustaches voting:

"The Republicans don't win and that's because of potentially illegal votes," Trump complained. "When people get in line that have absolutely no right to vote and they go around in circles. Sometimes they go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, come in and vote again. Nobody takes anything. It's really a disgrace what's going on."

This is what Trump thinks Democrats voting looks like, apparently:

OK, so let's get this straight. People go to the Publix and they show two forms of ID, including their voter ID, along with a recent pay stub, and a notarized letter from their mom, so that they may partake of delicious and bowel-healthy Raisin Brans. Then they put those IDs in the glove box, because it's election day, motherfuckers, and ain't nobody need that shit!

Off to the costume shop they go! What shall they dress up as, for election day fraud voting? Sexy Brett Kavanaugh? You bet! Just fuckin' Brett Kavanaugh in a French maid costume, all day long.

Then they go to the polls! In their normal clothes, they approach the voting machines without identifying themselves to any of the poll workers and proceed to cast votes for "Deep State" and "Crooked Hillary" and "Emmanuel Macron is hot." GOODBYE, they say to the poll workers, I HAVE FINISHED VOTING FOR THE DAY!

After a quick change into the Kavanaugh French maid costume they hid in the back of their Prius, they re-enter the polling place, again speaking to no one, because THIS time, on top of all the other things, it is time to vote for Black Panther Caravan MS-13 and for the Constitutional amendment to replace all the hallways in the White House with stairs. Vote frauding is the easiest!

We are sorry for being silly about this, as it is obviously a very real problem for our democracy. It couldn't possibly be that when everybody votes, Democrats simply win. Hell, when not that many people vote, Democrats still win the popular vote by somewhere in the neighborhood of three million.

Nah, surely it's not that.

Also, Trump thinks the GOP netted three or four Senate seats in the midterms. (For the record, the GOP will net either one or two seats, depending on what happens in Florida and the upcoming Mississippi runoff. Unless Nelson pulls it out and Mike Espy wins in Mississippi, in which case the GOP nets FUCKALL.)

Poor thing, still trying to tell himself he's a winner, which is the same thing he's been telling himself since the day he was born, when he emerged from his mother's womb and she looked down at his crusty orange baby body with troll hair and said, "What a loss." (Allegedly, we think she said that.)

Then she put the Thanksgiving turkey up in her womb to gestate it, because that's how they made turkey at the Trump house, according to Donald Trump.

We could end right there, but Trump said another horrifying dumbfucking thing to the Daily Caller:

"These people, like the Antifa — they better hope that the opposition to Antifa decides not to mobilize. Because if they do, they're much tougher. Much stronger. Potentially much more violent. And Antifa's going to be in big trouble. But so far they haven't done that and that's a good thing," he continued.

Yes, they better hope ... the Nazis ... don't mobilize, because if ... the Nazis ... mobilize, they will be bigger and stronger and more violent than Antifa, and Antifa will be in big trouble mister.

Donald Trump is just literally saying that, with his mouth.

[Daily Caller / ibid.]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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