Trump Suspects Obama Colluded With Russia To Wreck White House AC In Exchange For Book Deal
Donald Trump loves to get his racist on with politicians of color. He recently raised lynch mobs against the Squad and went full Untermenschen this weekend on Rep. Elijah Cummings and his Baltimore district. Yet Trump has managed to remain loyal to his true hate, Barack Obama.
Friday, Trump was whining to reporters in the Oval Office about how mean old Democrats won't leave him alone to wreck the country. He suggested they "look into Obama the way they've looked at" him. Specifically, someone with a lot of time on their hands should investigate "The Mystery of Obama's Book Deal." This is affirmative action at its worst. Trump earned his special counsel investigation through hard work and treason. Does Obama really deserve one just for writing a book?
Trump is just jealous that Barack and Michelle Obama scored a joint book deal in excess of $65 million. Even if you assume at least $60 million rightly went to Michelle, Obama's share is still far more than Trump could ever afford to pay people to read his own presidential memoirs. Trump is the racist representative for millions of mediocre white men who could never accept that Obama is superior to them in every way. How could the black guy get into Harvard? HIs father didn't even bother to donate millions to the school in unmarked bills!
If the white supremacist in chief is so suspicious of Obama's book deal, he should consider the possibility that the former president received such a huge advance because he plans to finally reveal how he fooled the nation into twice electing a Kenyan-born secret Muslim founder of ISIS. Obama's If I Did It would finally vindicate Trump's birther crusade.
It really annoys Trump that the black guy and the woman who actually won the presidency aren't at the center of ongoing criminal investigations. They don't have the House Oversight Committee up their asses because the treason and murders they committed are imaginary right-wing conspiracy theories. All the money in the Pentagon's budget to investigate make-believe crimes was redirected to Trump's make-believe WALL.
Trump took another piss at Obama when he tried to justify subjecting New Jersey to his presence next month. He insisted it's a "working" vacation. He'll tweet racist crap from New Jersey just as regularly as when he's watching Fox News at the White House. Besides, while he's away, maybe they'll finally repair the air conditioning that Obama broke when he got fried chicken grease all over it. This is why Trump didn't want to rent to black people.
TRUMP: The Obama administration worked out a brand new air conditioning system for the West Wing and it was so good before they did the system. Now that they did this system it's freezing or hot in here.
We can safely confirm that Obama is not responsible for Trump's menopause symptoms. It's also not clear how Trump would know the quality of the West Wing's climate control prior to Putin installing him there. We know Obama didn't invite him for any beer summits. Even George W. Bush had better taste in pretzel-choking companions.
Oh, and yes, Trump was lying again.
A $1.97 million plan to replace the West Wing's AC was presented in the fall of 2016. The Obama administration only approved the project but did not in any way alter the existing system. That fell on our Trump for brains president, who can't even install sprinkler systems in his own buildings. Maybe some HVAC patriots deliberately botched the job as part of a plan to sweat Trump out of the White House. We normally don't approve of slum lord tactics, but in Trump's case, we'll make an exception.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).