Trump Tells Oz Secret Of Winning, It Is Just Say 'I WIN!' Real Loud And Annoying-Like

With 95 percent of the votes counted, the Pennsylvania GOP primary for US Senate remains too close to call, with fewer than 1,500 separating the top two candidates, as the New York Times reports this morning.

The race is so close it's likely to trigger an automatic recount, which is required when there's a difference of less than half of one percent between the top two finishers. As you'd expect, the campaigns of Dr. Mehmet Oz and Dave McCormick each confidently predict that when all the votes are counted, their guy will come out on top. That could take a while, though; the Pennsylvania Department of State has until May 26 to order a recount, though it might do so sooner.

Totally legitimate former president Donald Trump has an idea about how to speed up the process though. On his hilariously named social media site for idiots, Truth Social, he posted yesterday that Oz should simply "declare victory. It makes it much harder for them to cheat with the ballots that they just happened to find."

Trump didn't specify who "they" were, and it should go without saying he didn't offer evidence, because how naive you are to want proof the primary is rigged! There's a possibility Trump's chosen guy might not win, and if that doesn't prove massive cheating is at work, nothing will.


Besides, Trump knows how easy it is to be robbed of a landslide electoral victory. He went on TV late on election night in 2020 to say he'd won, which made him the winner. But then treasonous state elections officials insisted on counting all the ballots anyway, a failure of democracy that gave the election to Joe Biden simply because he won the most electoral votes. How is that even fair?

One noteworthy difference between the 2020 presidential election and the 2022 Republican primary is that in this case, the candidate who might win the nomination is hedge fund douche/walking dollop of Hellmann's mayonnaise David McCormick, who is himself a Trump devotee.

McCormick said when he announced his campaign in January that he too loves Donald Trump and America Firsting, and dutifully insisted that "the majority of Republicans in this state don't believe [2020] was a free and fair election" either. It would be pretty weird if "they" were rigging the election in favor of a slightly different flavor of their own selves, but there we go dragging logic into a discussion of Donald Trump.

Also, because there are still outstanding absentee ballots waiting to be counted — already suspicious, since real Republicans would never use those cursed things except when voting twice to offset cheating by Democrats, allegedly! — Trump complained in a separate antisocial media post:

Here we go again! In Pennsylvania they are unable to count the Mail-in Ballots. It is a BIG MESS. Our Country should go to paper ballots, with same day voting.

Good point, from a guy who regularly voted absentee, but it was OK when he did it.

Hey, you know what's kind of funny, if you have a really low bar for "funny"? Trump had no such qualms about the outcome of the GOP gubernatorial primary, in which Republicans nominated Big Lie lover and would-be election thief Doug Mastriano, whom Trump endorsed. (That's the one he endorsed at the last minute, which worked well for Trump because Mastriano was already so far ahead.) Those would be the very same damn ballots that Trump is now complaining are probably rigged. (Again with the logic, sorry bad habit.)

Then again, in his conspiratorial little brainlet, Trump no doubt assumes that if the voters picked one guy he endorsed, the fact that they didn't choose Oz by the exact same margin must indicate the votes aren't being counted correctly in the Senate race. Real Republican voters would never betray Trump that way, so the fix has to be in. Heck, if Mastriano manages to be elected governor, he'll be the one to appoint the secretary of state, who wouldn't allow any uncertainty about the outcome of any elections ever again.

So far, Dr. Oz has wisely said nothing at all about Trump's messages urging him to say out loud that he won. He hasn't actually tweeted anything since Tuesday, for that matter. We can't discount the possibility, however, that Oz may have written a declaration of victory in his dream journal, which will help it manifest into reality.

[NYT / CNN / WaPo]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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