Puerto Rico is slowly digging out from the devastation of Hurricane Maria. As of this writing, 66% of gas stations had re-opened, 14% of cell towers were back online, and 65% of supermarkets were open for business, according to the Puerto Rican government. Restoration of water service by the Autoridad de Acueductos y Alcantarillados (AAA) varies widely based on area.

There are some really lovely stories, such as the famous chef José Andrés, who has been preparing thousands of meals every day in Puerto Rico.

And there are some really shitty stories. Such as our useless POS president, who continues to bitch on twitter that the mean brown lady standing waist-deep in sewer water hurt his wee feefees.

On Friday, acting Homeland Security secretary Elaine Duke called the government's response to Hurricane Maria "a good news story," because of the low reported casualty numbers. San Juan Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz was not impressed. Via ABC,

"This is not a good news story. This is a people-are-dying story," Cruz said in an interview on CNN on Friday morning.

"Maybe from where she's standing, it's a good news story. When you are drinking from a creek, it's not a good news story. When you don't have food for a baby, it's not a good news story," Cruz said. "I'm sorry, but that really upsets me and frustrates me."

The mayor also said Friday that she had a "message" for Trump, asking him to "step up" relief efforts for the "entire island of Puerto Rico," not just the capital of San Juan.

"This is a message for President Trump: Thank you for calling San Juan yesterday and listening for our mayday call. There are 77 other towns that are waiting anxiously and will be very grateful to you and to the American people if you continue to step up to the moral imperative that you have taken on all over the world to help those in need. So help us," Cruz said.

Well! How dare she criticize the president's response to this storm! When John Kelly told him on September 25 that Puerto Rico was actually in the United States (PROBABLY), Trump sprung into action!

This made your president GRRRRRR SO MAD that he woke up at 4am to start shit-tweeting at that uppity ungrateful lady for complaining that the government finally creaked into action EIGHT DAYS after a natural disaster left 3.4 million American citizens without power or water.

Because it would never have occurred to a brown lady to be pissed that the president was golfing at his trash palace and shit talking black football players instead of, you know, governing. It must be those dastardly Democrats putting nasty thoughts in her head!

Did he just call the Puerto Ricans lazy? SONOFABITCH!

Which would be more impressive if President Obama hadn't dispatched 8,000 troops to Haiti within 48 hours of the earthquake in 2010. And when Trump finally got around to putting a general on the ground eight days into the crisis, Army Lt. Gen. Jefffrey Buchanan immediately contradicted his boss's assertion that the federal government was doing a heckuva job. "We're certainly bringing in more [troops and supplies]'s not enough, and we're bringing more in."

Many people are finding out the Puerto Rico is actually in the United States and entitled to federal disaster assistance! Even though, there is big water, ocean water separating it from Florida.

Trump followed up on Saturday with another shitpile of tweets complaining about the media dissing him and his FEMA.

And the media responded by wondering why Cruz was feuding with the President during a natural disaster.

No wonder the president is always complaining that media is so mean to him! At least the Times had the decency to change their headline to "Who Is Carmen Yulín Cruz, the Puerto Rican Mayor Criticized by Trump?" after getting slammed on Twitter.

But That Asshole wasn't done!

Anyone who notes that this is humanitarian disaster is just a lying ingrate!

Oh, but speaking of fibs...what the fuck is he talking about? There are villages that haven't even been reached by first responders, much less had their building inspected! Trump has tweeted nice things about Puerto Rican governor Ricardo Rosselló, who has refrained from criticizing the languid federal response (and has the decency to possess a penis). But even Rosselló was like, Poppy's confused again. Via the NYTimes,

The assertion seemed to surprise Mr. Rosselló. “All buildings?” he said. “I’m not aware of such inspection. Of course, there are areas of Puerto Rico which we haven’t really gotten in contact. Perhaps he was referring to a particular set of buildings. I’m not sure.”

Hamilton creator Lin Manuel Miranda was less subtle.

Seeing that he was making no headway, Trump dispatched his minions to WELL, ACTUALLY on television.

FEMA Administrator Brock Long got the ball rolling.

But how could a 42-year-old man be expected to know about D-Day, or the Berlin airlift, or the moon landing. That stuff happened before he was born!

Long also criticized Mayor Cruz for not reporting more often to the FEMA field office, once they got around to setting that up. Per WaPo,

“She has been there once,” Long said. “This is an operation that needs to happen all of the time.”

An anonymous government official wondered if Cruz “might be too busy doing TV” to do the real work with FEMA guys. Because there is no low too low for these guys.

And the president's security advisor Tom Bossert insisted on CNN that the delay in appointing Gen. Buchanan to supervise PR recover efforts was entirely dictated by facts on the ground, not negligence.

It didn't require a three-star general eight days ago.


Yesterday, Donald Trump did some excellent presidenting at a golf tournament in New Jersey. We give no shits who won this tournament, and neither does the president. Because it was all for Puerto Rico. Via PBS,

On behalf of all of the people of Texas, and all of the people, if you look today and see what is happening, how horrible it is but we have it under really great control. Puerto Rico and the people of Florida who have really suffered over this last short period of time with the hurricanes, I want to just remember them. And we’re going to dedicate this trophy to all of those people that went through so much that we love, a part of our great state, really part of our great nation.

So don't say he never gave ya anything, PR! Melania and Donald are headed to Puerto Rico tomorrow, where they will doubtless receive a warm reception. Good luck, Papi!

We're so tired of #WINNING today that we might just curl up in a ball and cry. So watch this SNL clip of Michael Che dragging the president. And then go give what you can to relief efforts in PR. There's a link below to order through Amazon managed by The Black Cross.

[PR Status Dashboard / NYTimes / ABC /  WaPo / PBS]

It's not a good day, Wonkers! But we'll be here for you. So throw a dollar in the kitty if you can.

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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