Torture Cheerleader John Yoo Is Back To Lie About The Constitution

He's claiming the Founders did not believe in impeachment, which they did.

Oh goodie. The torture guy has more wisdom to share with us.

War criminal John Yoo, George W. Bush's favorite waterboarding lawyer, is back to lecture us on the Constitution. Because irony, like God, is dead.

Yoo, who once argued that the president could massacre entire villages and crush children's testicles if he wanted to, is back on the scene. But instead of torturing Muslims, this time he's here to torture American history.

So that's on-brand.

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Rick Perry Resigning To Spend More Time With His Subpoenas


Governor Goodhair is taking his mousse and going back to Texas. Bloomberg was first to report that Rick Perry tackled Donald Trump on Air Force One like a process server to drop his quitfire notice. Well, to be fair, Bloomberg was second, since the New York Times reported it two weeks ago, only to have Perry accuse them of Fake News.

But don't panic, guys. Donald Trump was quick to assure his fans in Texas that Perry's replacement WILL HAVE A PENIS, saying, "It's a man that we're going to be putting in Rick's place." Whew, glad we dodged that tampon, huh?

So why is Perry noping out now? Is he still moping about the failure of his plan to make it illegal to close coal plants because of "national security"? Or was this dash for the exit precipitated by Perry's realization that he is up to his SMRT glasses in impeachment shit? Because every day another damning detail of the administration's efforts to shake down Ukraine surfaces, and Rick Perry's idiot finger prints are all over it.

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Can You Read Gordon Sondland's Ukraine Testimony Without Punching A Baby? A Wonkette Self-Control Test!

So inconvenient when your confederates go on television confess to all the crimes you're in the process of denying under oath.

Lord grant us the confidence of a rich, white Boomer businessman who knows jack shit about foreign policy but has a cool million to buy an ambassador gig and thinks he's God's gift to international relations. Gordon Sondland's opening statement to his House testimony today is out and ... THIS FUCKIN' GUY. He literally touts his qualifications to represent America's interests to the European Union by bragging that, "My successful business background and results-oriented focus made me, in my view, well-suited to bring the fresh perspective to US foreign policy that President Trump had sought." Thank you for your unbiassss view of you, your excellency!

In fact, Sondland's perspective was so "fresh" that The New York Times reports he told random people they could drop by any time at the White House, resulting in a group of Romanian officials showing up uninvited, and Fiona Hill testified that he jeopardized national security by using his personal cellphone for government business and handing out cell phone numbers of government employees. But it's not like he had an unlicensed server in the basement of the official residence he's in the process of renovating with a million taxpayer dollars, so ... it's all good.

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Closed Door Hearings BAD NOW, Declares Party Of Benghazi/Travelgate/Fast & Furious

Nobody light a match!

Banking on the public's collective amnesia about every single thing that happened in the past twenty years, the GOP is now screaming bloody murder about the closed door impeachment hearings being held in the House. Yesterday a group of Tea Party loons attempted to storm the hearing room during witness testimony like they were liberating the Bastille. And House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy is moving to censure Adam Schiff for treasonous paraphrasing and running a "Soviet-style" investigation which will execute poor, innocent Donald Trump without due process or the right to confront his accuser.

Truly, if it wasn't for bad faith, Republicans would have no faith at all.

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Trump impeachment hearings

Mick Mulvaney Is Up To His Mick In It

It's the director of the OMB and (acting) chief of staff's time in the barrel.

Mick Mulvaney, COME ON DOWN! It's your time to shine, baby! And by "shine" we mean wind up under the klieg lights as a central figure in the impeachment hearings for all the dirty, dirty deeds you did when you were "letting Trump be Trump." Would it be looksist for Wonkette to suggest that the (acting) chief of staff spend some time exfoliating and moisturizing before appearing on television in HD? Because, umm, that guy looks like a walking bowl of Frosted Flakes.

But even more than a good loofah, Mick Mulvaney needs a good lawyer -- i.e., not some Fox flunky. Because he's in deep, deep shit. As House Democrats dig into the impeachment investigation, they're finding Mulvaney's grubby fingerprints (and telltale dandruff) all over it. Because he's a jack of all trades, who coordinated the State Department's Ukraine policy while wearing his (acting) COS hat, and then slipped on his Director of the Office of Management and Budget hat to put a hold on the funds allocated by Congress for Ukrainian defense until President Volodymyr Zelensky agreed to play ball and investigate Trump's political rivals.

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Rudy Giuliani Don't Need No Stinkin' Lawyers!

Fool for a client, indeed.

Rudy Giuliani has lost his goddamn mind. We've said it before but this time for serious. Finding himself smack in the middle of a congressional impeachment investigation and a criminal investigation in the Southern District of New York, Rudy has decided that right now is the ideal time to fire his lawyer.

Because he's a MAVERICK! Or perhaps a LUNATIC! Definitely one of those two.

Describing it as "silly to have a lawyer when I don't need one," Giuliani told the New York Daily News that he was blowing off the congressional subpoena, and "if they decide to do an enforcement, I'll need someone to go to court with, and we'll figure that out at the time." He already hired his former law school classmate Jon Sale to write a NUH UH YOU CAN'T MAKE ME letter to Congress, so Rudy's pretty sure he's home free now.

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Fiona Hill Is Here To F*ck Sh*t Up! And She's Bringing ... John Bolton?

Didn't see that one coming.

If you had John Bolton pegged as one of the good guys in the Ukraine debacle, please award yourself 10 points. Zero points will be awarded for predicting that Rudy Giuliani would be the criminal wunderkind who brings down the whole administration -- you can smell that idiot coming a mile off. Because of the scotch, and cigars, and pungent arrogance.

The New York Times was first to get the money quotes from former chief Russia advisor Fiona Hill's House testimony yesterday. Hill described then-National Security Adviser John Bolton as livid that Trump had outsourced America's Ukraine policy to Rudy Giuliani to manipulate for Trump's personal benefit. Calling the President's private attorney "a hand grenade who's going to blow everybody up," Bolton told Hill that she needed to report Rudy's shadow foreign policy role to "White House lawyers," making sure to add that he himself had nothing to do with their illegal schemes.

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Sondland Opts For The 'I'm An Idiot, And So Are You' Defense

It's a bold move, Cotton!

Ambassador to the EU Gordon Sondland has A PLAN. It's not a very good plan. In fact, it's downright idiotic. But nonetheless the guy who spent the summer running point on Ukraine for the White House has worked out what he's going to say to the congressional impeachment committees when he testifies this coming Thursday.


Toldja it was a stupid plan.

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Trump impeachment hearings

Get A Load Of These Cranks Who Think They're Too Good For Trey Gowdy

'YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US,' howls weird girl eating her lunch under the table in the back of the library.

OMG, now we've heard EVERYTHING. Donald Trump's super-secret, never met 'em, as seen on TV lawyers are shocked and appalled that Trump might add former Congressman Trey Gowdy to his august legal team.

"Are you kidding? ... Trey is a joke among us." Victoria Toensing told Yahoo News on Wednesday. "Trey Gowdy doesn't know shit."

"He's not on the team. Trey Gowdy is not on the team. Who told you Trey Gowdy? Not to my knowledge, not to Rudy's knowledge, not Joe's knowledge," Toensing went on. "I have to check that with Rudy because that would be a joke, because we all don't think much of him."

Yeah, Vicky, get Rudy on the horn and see what the rest of the Odd Squad has to say about this. While you're at it, how about a little trip down Memory Lane as we head to Happy Hour this Friday. (We're not going to speculate as to whether Miss Vicky was already feeling pretty happy when she talked to Yahoo.)

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Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch Is In Ur Congress Telling The Ukraine Secretz

Do not come for Miss Marie.

Looks like the White House plan to shout SCREW YOU, CONGRESS, YOU AIN'T MY DADDY! over and over until the Democrats get bored and go home isn't entirely foolproof. Last week, White House Counsel Pat Cipollone screeched out a letter insisting that absolutely no one in the Executive Branch would be cooperating with the House's UNLEGAL impeachment inquiry, so there! And yet, this morning as we are typing, former Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch is testifying before the House committees investigating all the nasty, dirty high crimes and misdemeanors committed by Donald Trump and his cronies. ALLEGEDLY.

Turns out tanking your employee's career and smearing her in the press is a lousy way to convince her to defy Congress to cover your sorry ass. Who knew!

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Rudy Giuliani's Ukrainian Fixers MAYBE Did Crimes With US Congressman, Are In Jail

Rudy will have to go on ALL THE SHOWS to show he's not worried at all.

Life comes at you fast! One minute you're blowing off congressional testimony, having assured yourself that Donald Trump's NO IMPEACHMENT! Get Out of Jail Free Card still has a couple punches left on it for you. The next, you're in detention as a guest of the United States Attorney's Office, getting arraigned on multiple campaign finance and conspiracy charges in a federal court in Virginia. It's a wild ride!

The Wall Street Journal was first to report that Rudy Giuliani's co-conspirators Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, AKA "The Chucklefucks," were arrested at Dulles airport last night as they were attempting to leave the country. The pair will thus be missing their scheduled testimony in the House today and tomorrow -- which they were going to blow off anyway, because LOL, YOU CAN'T MAKE ... WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE CUFFS, OFFICER?

Why yes, these are the same chucklefucks who allegedly roped the Department of Energy into their efforts to muscle in on Ukraine's natural gas import business by putting their allies in charge of the state-owned energy company Naftogaz. The very same ones who have been "assisting" Trump's off-books lawyers Joe diGenova and Victoria Toensing with their Ukrainian investigations. Because, if there's a harebrained grift laid out in a bunch of incriminating text messages, these idiots are in on it.

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SHUT UP! The GOP Is Not Panicking About Impeachment Poll Numbers, YOU LIE!

LOL, they totally are.

If you build it, they will come. Whether it's a baseball diamond or a case for impeaching the president of the United States, if you put in the work, the people will come around. Well, not the 35 percent of the country that falls into Trump's basket of diehard deplorables -- your drunken uncles are gone and they're never coming back. But our fellow citizens who aren't irredeemably brainwashed by Rupert Murdoch are slowly but surely coming to their senses.

In fact, a full 58 percent of them support the impeachment investigation according to a Washington Post-Schar School poll released yesterday. That's a full 20 percent swing over the summer, including among Republicans, whose opposition decreased from 59 percent in July to 38 percent last week. Here, have a look at the ugliest chart in the world.

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​White House Sends Its Regrets, EU Ambassador Will Not Testify Today On Trump's Ukraine Shakedown Scheme

He's washing his hair today.

It's one thing to blow off a congressional request for documents. It's quite another to receive a subpoena and tell Congress to get bent. And we are rapidly reaching the end of Congress's polite requests for information in this impeachment inquiry. Which means we're about to see what happens when the rubber meets the road and Adam Schiff channels his inner Oprah. YOU GET A SUBPOENA! AND YOU GET A SUBPOENA! AND YOU ...

This morning, the State Department ordered EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland not to appear for scheduled testimony before the three House committees leading the impeachment investigation. Sondland is the one quoted in texts with US Special Representative for Ukraine Kurt Volker saying "I think POTUS really wants the deliverable," followed by "no quid pro quo," and then "call me." The man knows exactly what went down between Trump and Ukraine, and he needs to spill it. Oh, look, here's Donald Trump making sure to leave his fingerprints on any obstruction of justice charge.

Yes, that is exactly how subpoenas work. If you think the tribunal issuing them is BIASSSSS, you just ignore them. You bet!

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Rick Perry, IT'S SHOWTIME! No, Not The Dancing Show, The Impeachment Show!

How Rick Perry just managed to drag the Energy Department into the Trump impeachment inquiry.

Welcome back to the shitshow! Those of you who logged off for the weekend managed to miss a news cycle where the entire country united in LOLing at Trump trying to pin his Ukraine fuckery on evil mastermind Rick "Ooops" Perry, after which we realized Trump was getting out in front of an Associated Press story about the secretary of Energy pressuring Ukraine into giving his buddies from Texas a controlling interest in Naftogaz, the state-owned natural gas company. Saturday night's #RickPerryMadeMeDoIt gave way to Sunday's RICK PERRY, CALL YOUR LAWYER! They always, always, always tell on themselves, although the AP is no doubt grateful for the publicity on its big scoop.

So, let's get you caught up! But first, it's probably helpful to keep in mind who wants what out of the US-Ukraine relationship. Here's a non-exhaustive list of the parties and their interests:

  • Ukraine: With Russia breathing down their necks, the Ukrainians want most of all to remain under the US security umbrella. They are dependent on US aid, but they would very much like not to become embroiled in American domestic politics;
  • United States: In a normal world, the US aims to counter Putin's anti-democratic expansion into the Western space, not only to protect our allies, but because we benefit from a democratic, rules-based international system with us at the head. We also have an economic interest in exporting our natural gas to Ukraine (environmental interests aside);
  • Trump: The Malignant Narcissist-in-Chief, for whom the national interest is entirely secondary, wants Ukraine's help to smear Joe Biden and to somehow make him a legitimate president by showing that Russian interference didn't put him over the top in 2016 -- or if it did, then it is somehow canceled out by Ukrainian interference for Hillary Clinton;
  • Giuliani and the chucklefucks: Rudy Giuliani and his accomplices want to help Trump with his goals and make themselves fabulously wealthy in the process. America's national interests do not factor in for them.
Got it?
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If You Don’t Stop And Look Around, You Might Miss The Impeachment. Your Sunday Show Rundown!

When the best you've got defending you on the Sunday shows is Ron Johnson and Jim Jordan, your prospects are not looking good.

The long-awaited Trump impeachment is speeding up! Mark Zaid, one of the attorneys for the Ukrainium One whistleblower, has stated he is now representing " multiple whistleblowers. The announcement of a second whistleblower -- the second intel whistleblower, on top of the IRS whistleblower who already existed, and who is being described as "an intelligence official with first-hand knowledge" (NOT "hearsay," Lindsey Graham!) of some of the allegations outlined in the original complaint, threw a wrench on ALL the talking points of Trump's ardent defenders, to the point that nobody from the White House even showed up for the Sunday shows. But a couple of idiots from Congress did!

It was perhaps most difficult this week for GOP Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin. Appearing on NBC's "Meet The Press," OshKosh M'Gosh Johnson was asked about what he told the Wall Street Journal about how EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland told him Trump was doing quid pro quos with Ukraine and basically extorting the nation for electoral assistance in exchange, but don't worry, Donald Trump told him that's a damn lie and Donald Trump always tells the truth.

It did not go well for Johnson.

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Oh NOW You Want To Hear About The Treasury Whistleblower? Well OK!

MIGGA: Making Inspector Generals Great Again. Catchy, huh?

Donald Trump's full employment plan for compliance watchdogs is going swimmingly with a third Inspector General ready to take the stage. Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration J. Russell George -- Donald Trump is going to make you a STAR! Or perhaps he'll humiliate you by firing you on Twitter, and then whip up his howler monkeys to orchestrate a rightwing media smear campaign against you. Could go either way!

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