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Tom Cotton, Jim Lankford Pull Sunday Lying Duty

It's your Sunday show rundown!

We begin today's Sunday show roundup with Republican Senator James Lankford of Oklahoma. Making appearances on both CNN's "State of The Union" and ABC's "This Week," Lankford did his best to be a one-man version of the "See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil" monkey.

On CNN, Lankford pretended to be offended that Adam Schiff referred to a report that Trump had threatened senators if they didn't stand with him while simultaneously "seeing no evil" by ignoring Trump's C-level gangster threats towards Schiff when pointed out to him. (We covered it here.) On ABC, Lankford decided to go with "hear no evil" as he told George Stephanopoulos why we shouldn't see new witnesses -- like saying that the House "rushed" impeachment by not waiting on courts to decide subpoenas. Stephanopoulos wasn't having it.

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Trump impeachment hearings

John Bolton Is Back To F*ck Sh*t Up!

Don't mess with Mustache Man.

John Bolton is going to burn down the Trump administration ... eventually. The question is whether he's going to do it on the witness stand when it actually matters, or just save it all for his stupid book. Because he's got the goods on everybody in that White House, including Bill Barr, Mike Pompeo, Mick Mulvaney, and Rudy Giuliani. And, as The New York Times reported last night, he's got Donald Trump by the short and curlies:

President Trump told his national security adviser in August that he wanted to continue freezing $391 million in security assistance to Ukraine until officials there helped with investigations into Democrats including the Bidens, according to an unpublished manuscript by the former adviser, John R. Bolton.

How you livin', Mitch McConnell? Looks like that warmongering bastard just raised the stakes on that vote to sweep this whole impeachment under the rug without witnesses. Because he's got firsthand knowledge of Donald Trump personally saying YES, QUID PRO QUO, no defense aid for Ukraine until they throw dirt on Joe Biden, and he's made it clear that he'll be telling his story sooner rather than later.

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Impeachment

Trump Big, Peach Small! How He Will Fit Into This Roundup?

GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!

Did you miss Adam Schiff's closing speech last night? It was a stemwinder and you should watch it right now if you weren't hanging out with Evan last night for the neverending liveblog.

Colonel Vindman said, "Here, right matters." Here, right matters. Well, let me tell you something. If right doesn't matter, it doesn't matter how good the Constitution is. It doesn't matter how brilliant the Framers were. It doesn't matter how good or bad our advocacy in this trial is. Doesn't matter how well written the oath of impartiality is. If right doesn't matter, we're lost. If the truth doesn't matter, we're lost. The Framers couldn't protect us from ourselves if right and truth doesn't matter.

And you know that what he did was not right. You know that's what they do in the old country, where Col. Vindman's father came from, or the old country that my great grandfather came from. [...]

No Constitution can protect us if right doesn't matter. And you know that you can't trust this president to do what's right for this country. You trust that he will do what's right for Donald Trump. He'll do it now, he's done it before, he'll do it for the next several months, he'll do it in the election if he's allowed to. This is why, if you find him guilty, you must find that he should be removed. Because right matters. Right matters. And the truth matters. Otherwise we are lost.

And right on time, Donald Trump's leaning on those senators to do what's right for Donald Trump.

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Impeachment

Alan Dershowitz Is Keeping His Panties On For This Impeachment, So Don't Even Bother Asking

Why is he STILL TALKING?

It's Dershowitz v. Dershowitz, in the nudist-on-nudist Fox pundit grudge match absolutely no one asked for. Get your tickets now for a ringside seat, with unlimited whining at the after-party. Or you could stay home and put the relaxer on your home perm if you want to get really wild!

This week we learned that distinguished Harvard Law professor emeritus Alan Dershowitz will take a break from his busy schedule of shouting crazy shit on Fox and writing weirdass editorials about KEEPING HIS PANTIES ON, DAMMIT, to defend Trump at the senate impeachment "trial." Whether as a witness or counsel for the defense is unclear. Also unclear is whether Prof. Dershowitz is aware of the Google and its magical ability to find television clips from the turn of the millennia when we last went through a presidential impeachment.

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Impeachment

Parnas and Bondy: Not The Heroes We Asked For, But Maybe The Heroes We Got?

Yes, we know, but here's why Bill Barr should recuse like a common Jeff Sessions.

If the only way to survive the Trump administration is to keep resisting no matter how tired we get, then the combination of Lev Parnas and his attorney Joseph Bondy could be just what we need. When everything is crazy all the time and the riptide of normalization threatens to pull us under, maybe we need a wackass chucklefucker and his dead-eyed weed lawyer to shout, "Hey, snap out of it, this shit ain't right!" as they hurl a life preserver at our heads. Not because they can stop the tide, of course, but to jolt us back awake before we sink into the miasma of corruption.

It is in that spirit that we should view the latest salvo from Bondy asking Attorney General Bill Barr to recuse himself from Parnas's campaign finance case and appoint a special prosecutor. Not because it's likely to work with Barr or US District Judge J. Paul Oetken, but because it draws a giant arrow toward the gross impropriety at the Justice Department which gets buried under the daily avalanche of Trump corruption.

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Impeachment

Alan Dershowitz Sure Is A Funny Liberal!

It's your Sunday show rundown!

When the Trump administration announced who would be part of Trump's legal "Dream Team," a few things stood out. The six-person team was made up of a pair of lawyers who have already failed him (Sekulow and Cipollone), a pair of Clinton impeachment "independent counsels" (Starr and Ray) and the former attorney general from Florida (Pam Bondi) who dropped a case against Trump for fraud while taking cash money in another fraud. But one named stood out the most: Alan Dershowitz.

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Impeachment

Latest Parnas Doc Dump Wants To Know: How You Livin' Devin Nunes?

And a whole lot more from your favorite chucklefuck!

Time for the latest dispatches from chucklefuck Lev Parnas's phone on the Trumpland conspiracy to frame Joe Biden. The newest doc dump from the House Intel and Judiciary Committees contains three different PDFs, plus a voicemail. The first comprises messages between Parnas and Devin Nunes's aide Derek Harvey, the second pertains to surveillance of our ambassador in Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch, and the third is just photos of Lev Parnas, who takes more selfies than Kim Kardashian, documenting his position at the center of Trumpworld. Let's get at it.

Devin Nunes, Moo Got Some Splainin' to Do!

Friday night we got a peek at Lev's messages with Derek Harvey, Devin Nunes's top Intel staffer, and -- SURPRISE -- they back up Parnas's allegation that the congressman was up to his udders in the Biden smear. Parnas served as a conduit between Nunes and corrupt Ukrainian prosecutors willing to say more or less anything for a price, including Viktor Shokin and Yuriy Lutsenko.

As Parnas told Rachel Maddow last week, "Derek Harvey had several interviews, Skype interviews I set up, with different prosecutors like [Nazar] Kholodnytsky, which is the anti-corruption prosecutor of Ukraine, Konstantyn Kulyk, one of the major guys that's had this whole Biden stuff."

At the same time, Harvey was pumping Parnas for dirt on the Clinton Foundation. Because it will always and forever be 2016.

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2020 democratic primary

Do Not Fall For President Troll King's Sh*t Stirring

We won't get fooled again.

They always telegraph the punch! In 2016, Russian trolls flooded social media with shitposts meant to divide Democrats and depress turnout. Remember when your Facebook feed filled up with people screaming at each other about the fucking coin toss at the Iowa caucuses? Do you want to do that again? Because we do not!

But you'll never guess who's just licking his orange chops at the prospect of Democratic infighting.

That's right, the election is HASHTAG RIGGED because Democrats tricked poor, hapless Mitch McConnell into scheduling the Senate impeachment trial two weeks before the Iowa caucus. Crazy Nancy is just trying to keep Bernie Sanders off the campaign trail to protect Joe Biden. If only she'd been clever enough to gin up an impeachment scandal that didn't involve corruption allegations against her preferred nominee. No wonder she gets so Nervous!

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Impeachment

Who's In The *Third* Lev Parnas Text Dump? Your Mom? Your Mom Should Stop That!

And so should everyone else in the world!

More Lev Parnas docs! Are you trying to kill us, Adam Schiff? You dropped another 500 pages of Lev's constant WhatsApp messaging last night? REALLY?

Well, the good/bad news is that 40 percent of the new texts are in Ukranian, so we'll have to wait for a translation. And another 40 percent is just these morons sending Hannity clips and Dan Bongino tweets back and forth to each other, punctuated by "Wow!" and "lol." But there's still a lot here, and probably more coming tonight. So, let's do it rundown-style by recipient and maybe we'll finish before the next batch drops.

And incidentally, after we downloaded these documents, some of them appear to have moved, and now we're getting a 404 message. We'll put the link back if it ever reappears.

First up ... who else, right?

Rudy Giuliani

Here's Parnas, apparently in a May 18 group chat with Rudy and two of his phones, being instructed to tell Ukrainian President-Elect Volodymyr Zelenskyy to "stop acting like a boy and become a man and take control" by arresting Ukrainian oligarch Ihor Kolomoisky.

Surely this has nothing to do with Kolmoisky blowing off advances from Giuliani's chucklefuck henchmen Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman and giving an interview that month to Pravda which the Washington Post translated thusly:

They wanted to have a meeting with Zelensky and show Giuliani that they had organized everything. [...] A big scandal may break out, and not only in Ukraine, but in the United States. That is, it may turn out to be a clear conspiracy against Biden.

You ain't kidding, Ihor!

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Impeachment

WTF Do The Parnas Texts Show, And Can We Splain Them You? YES!

No, not the ones where they stalked the American ambassador. We did those last night.

This Trump Ukraine stuff is batshit crazy. Even if you spend all day staring at it -- and we do! -- it's easy to lose the plot. The best way to keep all these characters straight is to sort them by their goals. Ask yourself, "What does this particular cartoon villain want, and how the hell did the president of the goddamn US of A get involved with him?" So, with that in mind, let's read the second tranche of Parnas texts released yesterday by the House Intelligence Committee. Because this right here from Ukrainian prosecutor Yuriy Lutsenko looks suspicious AF:

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Impeachment

Rudy, You Cannot Lie When Lev Parnas Has Receipts!

Also, um, is this Lev and some weird-ass talking about having Marie Yovanovitch offed? We are just asking!

We knew that little chucklefucker was warming up to sing, but we didn't expect him to bust out into The Ring Cycle tonight!

HO. LEE. SHIT. The House Intelligence Committee just dropped a whole load of Lev Parnas's receipts and they are craaaaaaaaaazy.

Does this read like these guys are putting a hit out on former ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch, or what?

That sweetheart in blue is Robert Hyde, current congressional candidate in Connecticut's 5th congressional district. He was recently disowned by the Republican party for tweeting something so crude about Kamala Harris that none of the articles about him will even allude to it obliquely. And if you guessed he's a guy with a string of bad debts who's behind on his child support payments, you'd be right!

So naturally he and Donald Trump are good pals.

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Trump impeachment hearings

Lev Parnas Wants To Sing Like A Canary. Also Like Sister Sledge.

Hammer time!

Chucklefucker Lev Parnas may be down, but he's still got a mean kick. While Rudy Giuliani's onetime Ukraine fixer is cooling his heels on house arrest awaiting trial, the entire GOP establishment is shouting in unison I DON'T KNOW HER. To which Parnas's lawyer Joseph Bondy replied, "Stop, Hammer time!" (Wonkers? Volume UP!)

Not an MC Hammer fan? Sister Sledge more your style? Parnas has a plan for that!

How you livin', Jared and Vanky?

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Trump impeachment hearings

Mitch McConnell Pencilling In John Bolton's Testimony For ... Never, Does Never Work For You?

Here's some shit that ain't never gonna happen.

After serious consideration, John Bolton has agreed to act as People's Sexiest Man Alive, should the magazine call upon him to serve. When and if the Nobel Committee nominates him for a Peace Prize, the former National Security Adviser will humbly accept. His hit single Suns Out, Guns Out, Even If It's Raining, by Johnny and the Mustache Riders, is topping the charts, so if the Academy wants to give him a Grammy, he will dutifully drag his tux out of the old mothballs for that award ceremony. And if Mitch McConnell, in his infinite wisdom, seeks to issue John Bolton a subpoena to appear as a witness in Donald Trump's impeachment trial, well, then Mr. Bolton will fulfill his patriotic duty and appear as summoned.

"Accordingly, since my testimony is once again at issue, I have had to resolve the serious competing issues as best I could, based on careful consideration and study. I have concluded that, if the Senate issues a subpoena for my testimony, I am prepared to testify," Bolton wrote on his PAC website this morning.

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Impeachment

Impeachment And The Sixth Amendment For Dummies. AGAIN.

Looking at you, 'Judge' Jeanine.

"Judge" Jeanine Pirro, who believe it or not was actually a lawyer once upon a time, is saying even dumber shit than normal. (Or maybe it's the same?)

On Fox News this past weekend, Ms. Pirro decided to get mad at Mitch McConnell for not being far enough up Trump's asshole and just dismissing the impeachment case against Trump outright (not a thing) for violating his right to an impeachment speedy trial (not a thing) and passing the statute of limitations (not a thing).

So that's ... a real thing that this person who actually used to be a lawyer said.

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Impeachment

These Magic Redaction Bars Make Trump Ukraine Crimes DISAPPEAR

They've made a huge mistake.

There are no good fact witnesses for Donald Trump. There's no one he could send to Congress to vouch that his "perfect, perfect" shakedown call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy and subsequent freeze on military aid to that country was totally kosher and only arose out of his deep-seated concern about corruption. It's very clear why the White House stonewalled Congress and flatly refused to allow anyone to testify in the House impeachment inquiry. But it's also clear that all their dirty, illegal shit is going to come out, and probably sooner rather than later.

To wit, Just Security's Kate Brannen got hold of the unredacted version of emails released last month thanks to the Center For Public Integrity's FOIA lawsuit. And SURPRISE!!!! it looks like Trump's little helpers have been highly strategic with their Sharpies. Can't let the public see an email saying, "Clear direction from POTUS to continue to hold," can we?

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Trump impeachment hearings

Rudy Just Needs Three More Bloody Marys, Then He'll Prosecute Biden For The RICO

Call me, Mitch!

Have we mentioned that Rudy Giuliani, the president's free lawyer, is batshit crazy?

WE HAVE.

And yet we continue to be surprised that his family allows him to walk around unescorted and free to babble inanities into every microphone. Here he is at Trump's New Year's Eve party at Mar-a-Lago -- just hand over your credit card for a chance to party with the president! -- talking about the upcoming impeachment trial.

I would testify. I would do demonstrations, I'd give lectures, I'd give summations. Or, I do what I do best -- I'd try the case. I'd love to try the case!

I don't know if anybody would have the courage to give me the case. But if you give me the case, I will prosecute it as a racketeering case, which I kind of invented anyway. So, it's been 30 years ago, but let's see if I can still do it. Thank you.

Quick, someone do a wellness check on Popehat!

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