Trump Invites Chinese President Over To Pussgrab 'N' Chill, Puts Him Up At Radisson Down The Street
Scenes from Trump's China summit right now
Thursday afternoon, Donald Trump waddled onto Air Force One, because hoo boy, it's been a long three and a half day week, and it is time for some R&R at Mar-a-Lago. Also, he jetted off because he's having a big important summit with the Chinese president, and Trump's too classy to bring him somewhere yucky like the White House, which is not even gold-plated.
According to the BBC, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, who just announced that our new policy toward Syria is "changed our mind, fuck Assad in the ear, we guess," met Trump when he landed in Florida. And when Chinese president Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan (who is a folk singer apparently, but no, we do not know whether she is more like the Ani DiFranco of China or the Joan Baez of China) get there, they will do a big summit where Trump will ACT TUFF and try to get China to force North Korea to settle the fuck down. With seasoned diplomats like Tillerson and Trump around, we're confident cool heads will prevail.
The BBC reports that there is "unlikely to be any golf," so we can confidently report to you that there's gonna be some golf.
But UNFORTUNATELY, after they Do Summit and after they eat overcooked steak with ketchup (Trump's favorite!) and after Donald and Melania invite the first couple of China to build pillow forts with them and watch Netflix, all the Chinese delegation will have to leave Mar-a-Lago and sleep somewhere else, because here is why:
Oh for god's sake Trump and his staff are such fuck-ups. Mar-a-Lago has LOTS OF ROOMS. Seriously, click here and take a look-see at all the accommodations. There are guest rooms and suites and penthouses and cottages and bungalows and cabanas, and nobody thought to block off April 6 and 7 because the "president" was having a very important foreign policy summit over how to make sure North Korea doesn't try to nuke anybody's brains out? Really? REALLY?
So, you might wonder where the Chinese delegation will be staying. Radisson? Days Inn? FANCY NEW RAMADA? Best Western by the highway? Adjoining rooms? Free HBO? How far away is the ice machine? Is the continental breakfast for real or is it like a bowl of Pop Tarts and those stupid little tiny boxes of Froot Loops? DO KIDS EAT FREE?
Actually, don't worry, the Chinese president is actually staying at the Eau Palm Beach Resort and Spa in Manalapan, Florida, which is probably fine. It just sucks how Melania's going to have to throw Xi and his wife in an Uber at the end of the night and before you know it, they'll be asking the Uber driver to run them through Taco Bell and then there will be hot sauce packets all over the floor, like, ugh, dude, you are the president of China, get it together.
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