Trump Said Some Crazy Offensive Shit Saturday Night. Real Americans Loooooved It.

Sounds better in the original German

Saturday night, in Washington Township, Michigan, Trump gathered together the faithful for a revival of sorts. In an unscripted monologue lasting some 75 minutes, the master speaker led the crowd of forgotten little guys in booing Hispanics, John McCain, and the Justice Department. Far from DC, your correspondent, who was not there and talked to no one, met real Americans (did not meet real Americans) who just want to return to economic stability by jailing Hillary Clinton and awarding Trump the Nobel Peace Prize.

Like Bob and Sue Klingenhoffer of Upper Huron Bluffs, who wore matching "Trump: Fuck Your Feelings" T-shirts.

"We need a president who tells it like it is," Sue said in our imagination where she lives. "Not some East Coast elitist."

Bob, who grows corn and sugar beets, is getting used to the idea that the president may make good on his promises to pull out of NAFTA.

"Well, it would wipe us out," he said. "But it might be worth it to wipe the smile off the faces of those eggheads in DC!"

Trump's threats to spill secrets on rural Montana Senator Jon Tester elicited cheers from the crowd.

Tester started throwing out things that he's heard. Well, I know things about Tester that I could say too. I know things about Tester that I could say too. And if I said them, he would never be elected again.

Doktor Zoom, who traveled all the way from Idaho in hopes of getting his MAGA hat signed, decried Montana Senator Tester for publicizing internal complaints about the president's personal physician who had been nominated to head the Veterans Administration.

"It's slander, that's what it is," said Zoom angrily. "These liberals just make things up. Shameful ending a man's career like that based on innuendo!"

Threats to destroy Obama's signature healthcare plan also played well with the assembled crowd.

But you no longer have the individual mandate. You remember what that is? That's where you have the privilege -- a privilege -- of going out and spending a lot of money so that you have the second privilege of not having to buy healthcare.

"What we've got to do is get rid of the Obama socialism, get rid of the individual mandate so we can start taking care of our people," said Karen Kuhliebhaber. Mrs. Kuhliebhaber almost missed Trump's speech.

"Our church has a monthly bus to pick up prescriptions in Windsor, Ontario, see,"

she explained. "And traffic coming back across the border was terrible!" Kuhliebhaber looks forward to turning 65 next year so she'll be eligible for Medicare.

Stan and Vera Kowalski of Saginaw Falls joined in booing at the mention of Hispanics, although they confessed that they didn't know who Kanye West was until quite recently.

TRUMP: Are there any Hispanics in the room?

PATRIOTS: Boooooooooo!

TRUMP: Nah, not so many? That's okay.

PATRIOTS: Boooooooooo!

TRUMP: And by the way, in all fairness, Kanye West gets it! He gots it!

"I don't mind if they come in here, sure," said Vera. "But they need to do it legally."

"We got towns up here hollowed out by the opioids," Stan added, "And the busiest store on Main Street is a Mexican place. I like taco night at the Restaurant Salvador as much as the next guy, but we got to look after our own. America First, right?"

And no one there seemed particularly worried about Trump's threats to shut down the government this fall if Congress refuses to fund the border wall.

That wall has started. We got $1.6 billion. We come up again on September 28th. And if we don't get border security, we'll have no choice. We'll close down the country.

Carl and Debbie Lutefisk of Potawatomi‎ Township said their main worry was MS-13 and Al-Qaeda infiltrating the southern border.

"If they have to shut it down to keep us safe, then so be it," said Carl, who retired after working 30 years at the Social Security Administration. "The way it is now, we meet 'em at the border with a green card and an Obamaphone. It just makes you sick!"

"CNN lies," shouted Debbie, when asked about Trump's campaign promises to make Mexico pay for the border wall.

If there was one person who spoke for all the forgotten men, fed up with being beaten down by out-of-touch elites, it was this voter.

You suck! Sodomites! Degenerate filth! Hit the road!

Although he refused to give his name, this man summed up the feelings of the farmers and autoworkers who traveled for hours to hear the president's address. After eight years of the Obama Administration, they've tired of the culture wars and identity politics. They want a government that gets back to bread-and-butter economics issues. And they want a man they can trust to tell it like it is.

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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