Trump

Trump's First 100,000 Coronavirus Deaths Are In The Bag, So Like ... Should He Eat Insulin?

Is it delicious like hamberder?

Everything is so batshit today, so please take a moment to mark in your mind that the United States, which is in the throes of the worst novel coronavirus epidemic in the world, which is rapidly growing, reached and surpassed 100,000 confirmed deaths today.

We'd say we've reached peak MAGA, but Donald Trump is such a fuckup, we don't want to underestimate how big this death count could eventually get with his tiny hands on the steering wheel.

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News

Postman Who Changed Dem Ballot Applications To GOP Was Just Funnin', Jeez

Can't people take a joke?

A West Virginia postal carrier has been charged with trying to do election fraud after he altered five absentee ballot requests, changing them from requesting ballots for the state's upcoming Democratic primary election to Republican. Thomas Cooper, 47, who held a contract to deliver mail in three rural towns (Onego, Riverton, and Franklin, if you're checking), was charged in federal court with "Attempt to Defraud the Residents of West Virginia of a Fair Election" after admitting in an affidavit that he had changed the ballots in April. The state had sent out absentee ballot request forms to all registered voters because of concerns the coronavirus outbreak would interfere with the state's June primaries.

Best part of the whole sad, badly planned ballot-tampering scheme? The fraud was discovered by the Pendleton County Clerk, who knew the people who submitted the ballot requests weren't Republicans and called them up to see what was going on. Hooray for small towns!

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fox news

Satan’s Sister Laura Ingraham Pinkie Swears That COVID-19 Threat Is So Yesterday

REOPEN AMERICA, YOU COMMIE GOVERNORS!

If you're one of the 38 million newly unemployed, Laura Ingraham has good news for you: First, she's offering free overnight stays at her gingerbread vacation house, and even better the stock market is booming! She celebrated the rising markets during the Tuesday edition of her white power hour.

INGRAHAM: Today, the Dow jumped 500 points, almost closing above 25,000. Consumer confidence rising! Investors across the board are seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

That “light" is the entrance to the afterlife for more than 100,000 people who've died in three months. As she spoke, the chyron over the screen boasted “Markets Rise As Coronavirus Threat Declines." The COVID-19 threat hasn't “declined." That's a bare-assed lie.

Ingraham rattled off the names of states run by Republican governors — Texas, Georgia, South Carolina, Utah, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi — that had lifted COVID-19 restrictions. She applauded them for “getting back to normal," if by “normal," she means increased coronavirus infections and preventable deaths.

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justice department

Bill Barr Knows Who Is TOTALLY EXONERATED Of Insider Trading, And It's Not Richard Burr!

How surprise!

Hey guess what you'll never guess OK we'll tell you!

Bill Barr's Justice Department has closed its insider trading investigations into three senators who made maybe suspicious stock sales after a big secret February coronavirus briefing, but is keeping its investigation into a fourth senator going. You will never guess who is TOTALLY EXONERATED.

She is just like Trump! JUST LIKE 'IM! And in a normal world where the American Justice Department wasn't run by a two-bit dinosaur baby Big Lots broken condom dispenser version of Roy Cohn, who lives only to serve as Trump's personal fixer, Loeffler being JUST LIKE 'IM might maybe mean she was in severe danger of being hauled away in handcuffs.

But nah.

Also totally exonerated are Republican James Inhofe and Democrat Dianne Feinstein, whose transactions honestly didn't look all that hinky in the first place. Kelly Loeffler's kinda did, though. And it also looked kinda hinky when Kelly Loeffler's husband Jeffrey Sprecher, the gabillionaire chair of the New York Stock Exchange, made a cool million Amero donation to a Trump PAC recently. Which Trump PAC? Same one that got the Ameros from Rudy's pals Lev and Igor. Why he do that? No reason, but definitely probably also reasons, not that we are implying anything untoward. We guess that million just had Trump's name on it.

Richard Burr, though? Republican of North Carolina? Who had to "step aside" from his chairmanship of the Senate Intelligence Committee? That investigation is not over.

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