LOL, eat my ass.
Boy howdy, those authoritarian Trump dicks sure are sowing their wild oats, now that they think they have been completely EXONERATED from all charges involved in the COLLUSION WITCH HOAX. What's that expression about getting way out in front of one's skis, which usually ends in hilarity for everybody who happens to be watching the person who has gotten way out in front of their skis?
On Monday, the Trump campaign -- not the White House, that would be un-American! -- sent out a memo to the media, informing them that the following pundits are guilty of saying "Russia" too much, and if that wasn't brazen enough for you, the list includes "pundits" who are actually United States senators and sitting congressmen!
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
Sarah Huckabee Sanders is having feelings, everyone. They are real person feelings about how the Mueller report (she hasn't read) totally proves that Donald Trump is not a Russian agent, which is notable because it is a thing the Barr letter about the Mueller report (which she hasn't read) doesn't remotely address.
Everything is about to get so much stupider.
Oh boy! Know how we said a little while ago that Trump-sucking morons are high on their own supply right now, and that we need to just let them have their moment while we wait for the next series of shoes to drop?
Well! May we submit Exhibit "A," Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Sassy), who we're pretty sure is compromised in some way or another, and who did up a news conference this morning for the purposes of calling for Attorney General William Barr to appoint a new special counsel to investigate Hillary's emails and the inception of the Russia investigation (did Deep State make up an investigation to make poor Trump look like a Russian asset?) and "Obama people" doing "wire tapps" to Trump's bottom, and oh just everything else you can think of (that a paranoid schizophrenic person might suggest). This would presumably include a special counsel investigating Robert Mueller's own investigation, since his appointment came out of the president's obstruction of justice of the original Russia investigation. To which we reply, BRING IT, FUCKER.
Of course, as chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, you can expect that Graham will be starting some investigations all by his lonesome, as is his prerogative.
Not for nothing, but this isn't over.
BREAKING! The guy who sent Trump a letter saying, "Presidents are kings who can't obstruct justice, hire me!" has found that the president didn't obstruct justice! Thanks, Bill Barr -- you're a hell of a wingman.
While we await the release of the REAL Mueller report, as opposed to the Barr whitewash letter, let's take a moment to remind ourselves that the president's legal troubles are in no way at an end. He might well get away with playing footsie with the Russians, winking and nodding about sanctions and gratefully accepting the massive electoral boost from Putin's pet hackers, but he's not getting away with all of it. So here's a helpful list of the pending legal threats to the Trumpland gangsters.
Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is terrible at her job. Her objectives and overall mission are evil, but if it's any consolation she can't effectively implement them. After buying her Cabinet position at Sotheby's, DeVos has spent the past two years trying to roll back Obama-era policies designed to protect and actually educate students. Unfortunately for her evil schemes, federal courts keep smacking down her slimy efforts. It's getting embarrassing.
DeVos recently had to cancel $150 million in student loan debt after courts said her attempts to stop the "borrow defense" regulations from taking effect were in fact illegal. Last week, she was forced to instruct colleges to follow the Obama rule barring mandatory arbitration agreements. She got kicked in the teeth earlier this month when a federal judge ruled she'd acted illegally ... again. This time, DeVos tried to delay an Obama-era guideline that required states to address racial disparities in their special education programs. Judge Tanya S. Chutkan called the delay "arbitrary" and "capricious."
The rule, drafted under the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act, would require states to identify districts with "significant disproportionality" in the number of minority students channeled into special education services, segregated in restrictive classroom settings or disciplined.
OK, so what was the "education" secretary's issue with this rule? We want to imagine there's some rationale we're not seeing and DeVos is more than just some yacht-collecting monster.
Any of it, Katie!
Now that William Barr has carefully explained that the Mueller report didn't find enough evidence to prosecute Donald Trump for conspiracy, Republicans are all about proclaiming the Trump 2020 campaign slogan: WELL SHORT OF A FELONY!! Also, please never mind that part where even Barr admitted the report doesn't exonerate Trump of obstruction of justice, because why would anyone care about any other crimes?
Of course, if you want to get all factual about it, not even Barr's letter says Mueller found no evidence of wrongdoing -- just that he couldn't make a criminal case that could be proven beyond a reasonable doubt, as Roll Call explains. Thin though that is, and regardless of what's in the actual report, Trump allies are over the moon and ready to move on to the important business of putting Hillary Clinton in jail forever. Let's watch the Premature Victory Parade!
All of it. Full stop. Right the fuck now.
It's time for another round of "Goofus and Gallant," starring the New York Times and the Washington Post! See if you can guess who is who.
One of those is more correcter than the other! So yes, of course, the New York Times is Goofus, because it always is. But wait, what is this, a twist in the plot?
OH MY GOD, THEY BOTH WENT FULL GOOFUS. YOU NEVER GO FULL GOOFUS.
It might seem like quibbling, but it isn't. Attorney General William Barr sent a brief letter to Congress Sunday explaining that he had read all the pages of Robert Mueller's long report, and that it determined beyond a shadow of a doubt -- as we knew, from Mueller's indictments -- that the Russian government engaged in a concerted campaign to hack the election to hurt Hillary Clinton. However Barr reports -- not Mueller, Barr -- NO COLLUSION by any members of the Trump campaign or by the president himself (at least not "knowingly"). The letter says Mueller recommended no more indictments, and that there are no more sealed indictments, but doesn't say Mueller didn't kick anything to other jurisdictions that we don't yet know about. Finally, Barr writes that Mueller presented evidence on both sides of the question of whether Trump committed obstruction of justice, but came to no conclusion, therefore he was not accusing the president of a crime, but he wasn't exonerating him either. But Barr -- we guess because of his professional expertise in covering up Iran-Contra -- was able to determine that also NO OBSTRUCTION, therefore story over, the end, do not pass go, Rachel Maddow must now go to jail!
ACCORDING TO SOURCES, IT WAS DEFINITELY A THING.
BREAKING ACHTUNG EVERYBODY CRY AND PANIC AND HAVE ROLLICKING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, BECAUSE ROBERT MUELLER DID THE THING.
We don't know what the thing means yet, but we know that he gave the thing to Attorney General Bill Barr, who is presumably looking at the thing right now. Donald Trump is at Mar-a-Lago, so he does not have the thing, because NO THING FOR ILLEGITIMATE PRESIDENTS. Studies show that according to sources close to the investigation who may or may not be close to the investigation, we might have some real information on what is inside the thing sometime this weekend.
Just another Foreign Policy Friday, brought to you by the Underpants King of Mar-a-Lago!
Whatcha doin' down there at Mar-a-Lago, Mister Normal President Of America?
OK ... huh?
Some hack, is who.
Donald Trump continues his tradition of choosing the Very Best People for important administration jobs, announcing today that he's picked rightwing activist and CNN commentator Stephen Moore to fill one of two vacancies on the Federal Reserve Board. Moore appears to have won the position by vocally criticizing the fiscal policies of Fed chair Jerome Powell, a Deep State operative who hates Donald Trump, prosperity, and America, and who of course was appointed to his position by Donald Trump. Just don't remind Trump of that, OK, because you'd be lying and wrong.
Trump Can't Reveal Secret Sexxx Chats With National Security Advisor Vladimir Putin, EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE APPLYETH!
NARRATOR: No, it doesn't.
Thursday, in our post about how the Trump White House has decided to treat all congressional requests with the same level of disrespect, and that they're doing it intentionally, because FUCK YEAH, LET'S DO THE WATERGATE THING, we noted that White House counsel Pat Cipollone had just fired off a letter to House Democratic committee chairmen Elijah Cummings (Oversight), Eliot Engel (Foreign Affairs) and Adam Schiff (Intel), saying HOW ABSOLUTELY DARE YOU ask the White House for information about what Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin say under the covers to each other at night, HOW ABSOLUTELY DARE YOU!
This, despite how the FBI (really! for real!) opened an investigation into whether Trump is a literal actual foreign agent, because he does shit constantly to make it look like he is severely compromised by Vladimir Putin, who may or may not be Trump's KGB handler from way back. Yes, we get that it's an odd situation for Congress to have to demand to know what the president discusses with foreign leaders in private, but it's only odd because the president refuses to disclose his discussions with Putin, even as he crawls under the table with Putin and giggle-whispers with Putin every time they're in the same room. It's even more odd that Trump has literally confiscated his translators' notes of his meetings with Putin. Everything's just kinda strange in Putin's America, we mean Trump's America!
OK well just in case he forgot.
Can we just say that when Fox idiot Maria Bartiromo sounds like the sane person in a situation, that is a worrisome situation? That is what happened when Donald Trump -- who's just had a fantastic Infrastructure Week, assuming it is Infrastructure Week, and we always do -- sat down for what was supposed to be an easy breezy "You're the best!"/"No YOU are, Mister President!" interview with his beloved Fox pals.
Instead Maria Bartiromo had to ask the question on everybody's mind, which is WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU OH MY GOD, or, more clearly, is there a reason you have spent this entire week of your presidency picking a fight with a dead guy, who somehow seems to be winning that fight, because you are literally so stupid and incompetent you LOSE FIGHTS TO DEAD GUYS?
She said it nicer than that, though.
Go away forever.
Dirtbag domestic terrorist Cesar A. Sayoc Jr. pleaded guilty Thursday to sending homemade pipebombs to prominent Democrats, including Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Maxine Waters, George Soros, and Robert De Niro. He shed some crocodile tears and probably a few real ones because he's expected to spend the rest of his life in prison for the fortunately unsuccessful attacks.
Mr. Sayoc, 57, paused his explanation and broke into sobs, finally collecting himself and speaking softly just before he pleaded guilty to the attack. "I know these actions were wrong, and I'm extremely sorry," he said.
That's a rather weak sauce apology for trying to blow up dozens of people. Sayoc didn't flush paper towels down someone's toilet, causing it to overflow. He "painstakingly assembled" the bombs and stuffed them with "powder from fireworks, fertilizer, a pool chemical and glass fragments." Sayoc also, for reasons only a "Criminal Minds" unsub could understand, placed a photo in each package of the intended murder victim with a red X marked over the face. This is terrifying, which is probably why they call him a "terrorist."
A million here, a million there, soon you're talking about real money!
Those wild-eyed socialists at Forbes magazine sure do have a knack for embarrassing "billionaire" Donald Trump. Earlier this year the magazine looked at some of his millions of dollars in real estate sales to untraceable buyers, and of course we all know how much fun it was to point out Trump's net worth is dropping during his presidency, no matter how much the guy grifts. Wednesday, the same reporter who brought us those fun reports, Dan Alexander, dipped into Trump's federal financial reporting documents again to reveal various Trump Organization entities have billed his 2020 reelection effort some $1.3 million -- just since he took office. None of those silly "I'm a really rich guy" or "I'm self funding" lies this time around (though of course they were mostly lies the first time around, too). He may not be getting rich off the presidency, but he'll probably cover at least a few trips to McDonalds.
Since Trump was sworn in, the biggest recipient of Trump 2020 funding -- most of it from the schlubs who answer fundraising emails asking for help building WALL or rounding up Messicans or jailing Hillary Clinton or sending Robert Mueller to Gitmo -- has gone to "Trump Tower Commercial LLC," the holding company through which Big Bother manages his share of Trump Tower in Manhattan. Another $225,000 in rent to Trump Tower Commercial LLC came from the Republican National Committee. So right there, you have the biggest chunk of cash.
Good luck with that, boys.
Remember a few weeks ago when House Judiciary Committee Chair Jerry Nadler sent a very nice and loving request to 81 people and entities associated with Donald Trump, including the White House, asking to please FUCKING GIVE IT a million documents, in order to aid Judiciary's investigation into Trump's millions of crimes? Well, the deadline was Monday, and some folks are helping! Others are not!
According to Nadler, they've already gotten "tens of thousands" of documents, and all signs point to more document requests coming, to approximately one million more people. There have been some surprises, too. Steve Bannon is helping a LOT, turning over thousands of pages (which is perhaps too much if you've ever seen that episode of "The West Wing," where CJ Cregg talks about being so crazy over-compliant with Congress that they just snow down investigators with everything, including take-out menus and junk mail). Trump Inauguration weirdo/longtime associate Tom Barrack is helping, and Hope Hicks is also too gonna be a good little helper. And so on!
And some are asking for "friendly subpoenas," like for instance attorney Keith Davidson, who used to rep Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, who's asking for that in order to "formalize the process," as Politico puts it. (Some people don't like being asked nicely.)
Still others are saying straight up NO, and some of them have better reasons than others. Roger Stone is pleading the Fifth on advice of counsel because, you know, he's in trouble with the law right now. Rick Gates says he can't really help, citing how he is still a cooperating witness who is very business hunting wabbits in multiple ongoing investigations. And Julian Assange said no, because (LOL) he is a journalist, you guys, and Congress shouldn't subpoena journalists about their sources. (Actually WikiLeaks is a cut-out for Russian intelligence. Which is kind of like "journalist," except not remotely.)
But the real story here is that the White House, in response to pretty much every document request it's gotten, is saying "FUCK OFF! WE ARE GOING TO DO THE WATERGATE THING! IT WORKED OUT VERY WELL, IN WATERGATE! FUCK IT, LET'S DO THE WATERGATE THING!"
Nothing to see here because it's WHAT'SAPP.
Guess who is a LIARFUCKINGLIAR today? Just kidding, that was a trick question. The answer is EVERYONE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, all day, every day. But Congressional Badass Elijah Cummings just dropped a letter on White House Counsel Pat Cipollone. Covington Catholic's proudest alum pinky swears that all the little Trumplanders comply with national security classification requirements, but he may have left out one or two wee tiny security lapses. Like, say, using an AOL email account to discuss the sensitive (and probably illegal) transfer of nuclear technology to our good buddies in Saudi Arabia. NBD, right? Russian and Chinese hackers cower in fear when they hear that scary YOU'VE GOT MAIL, it's just science!
Cummings is clearly pissed off and ready to start dropping subpoenas. Laying out "Two Years of White House Obstruction," Cummings reminded Cipollone that Jared and Ivanka spent the first eight months of the Trump administration using their own BUT HER EMAILS homebrew server, and when they got caught, they rerouted their traffic to a Trump.org server for safekeeping. Which is not how any of that works, but it's totally cool, see, because they "confessed" to it and now everything's fine. And apparently it was, because GOP Oversight Chair Trey Gowdy -- who spent years pretending that Hillary Clinton's email server was the gravest national security threat since Julius and Ethel Rosenberg -- let the Trump email inquiry drop and refused to issue any subpoenas.
But Elijah Cummings is no Trey Gowdy. For one thing, he has a normal-shaped head, so when White House lawyer Emmett Flood wrote the Committee in December saying, "the relevant advisor ... has provided the Committee with information aimed to address your current legislative interests. I hope this resolves the matter," Cummings just shook his damn normal-shaped head and got back to doing his job. Which is CONGRESSIONAL FUCKING OVERSIGHT! And here's what he found.
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