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​And Now For Something Completely Different, The President's Brain Is Broken

OBAMA NETFLIX??????

News of Brett Kavanaugh's latest sexual assault allegation and Donald Trump conducting war policy on Saudi Prince Mohamnmad Bone Saw's orders and Trump deporting sick kids so they can die gettin' you down? Take a five-minute break to laugh at the president for being a fucking buffoon! Sure, you won't feel "better" afterward, but that's because feeling better doesn't exist anymore.

Anyway, what in the entire fuck is this?

"These Radical Left Democrats are CRAZY! Obama Netflix?" the president asks, like he is a normal person asking a normal question that other people are also asking. "OBAMA NETFLIX?!?!?!?!"

SOMEBODY'S a Jealous Janet today! Instead of investigating the obvious reality that for Donald Trump, the presidency is little more than an elaborate grifting scheme, he just really wants the House Judiciary Committee to investigate ... the fact that Barack Obama got a big book deal, because he's the most recent former president and one of the most admired men in the world? And also that Barack and Michelle Obama (most admired woman in the world) inked a deal to produce documentaries with Netflix?

What does the president think Congress would investigate about those things, were Congress to drop everything and follow the bouncing ball of the president's ball-shrinking insecurities and hallucinations?

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Courts

New Brett Kavanaugh Sexual Assault Allegations? WHAT? No! Really? THE F*CK YOU SAY!

Everyone could have seen this coming, unless they were personally invested in not seeing it coming.

NO! Say it is not so!

You mean to tell us that after then-GOP-Senator Jeff Flake acceded to the need for at least the thinnest bullshit appearance of a bullshit FBI investigation into the allegations against Brett Kavanaugh, which did indeed result in an absolutely bullshit appearance of an FBI investigation, where Donald Trump and the GOP had their stranger danger fingers on the scale the entire time ... you mean there are more allegations against Supreme Court Justice Rape Van, even now, many months after the Senate barely confirmed him? WHAT?

Everyone could have seen this coming, unless they were personally invested in not seeing it coming.

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News

Trump: What If We Just Did The Obama Iran Deal ... BUT STUPIDER?

Art of the Deal, everyone!

Let's end this week the way we start and end every week: by shaking our heads and marveling at how goshdang DUMB the current occupant of the Oval Office is.

After all the fanfare of Trump pulling out of the Iran Nuclear Deal ostensibly because the Iranians weren't in compliance (they were), but really because it had Obama's name on it, Trump has decided that maybe he would like to do some Obama Iran deal for himself, albeit in a specifically dumber and Trumpier way.

Approximately eight and one quarter seconds after Trump ridded himself of this meddlesome John Bolton, the Daily Beast reported:

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Russia

Russia Wants Its CIA Asset Spy Back, HECKUVA JOB, EVERYONE!

Fucking hell.

That didn't take long.

Ayup, that is the spy we've been talking about all week long, the one who helped the Obama administration figure out things like "Vladimir Putin personally ordered the ratfucking operation to hurt Hillary Clinton and help install Dear Orange Leader Trump in office." Heckuva job, literally everyone!

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Class War

Trump's Final Homeless Solution Will Be TERRIFIC, By Which We Mean Terrifying.

Policy ideas from Soylent Green seldom work out well.

"I'm glad I'm living in the land of the free / Where the rich just get richer / And the poor you don't ever have to see" -- Randy Newman, "The World Isn't Fair"

Donald Trump has reportedly been demanding that the federal government clear out all the homeless people in California -- not because he's particularly concerned about homelessness nationwide, but because 1) Fox News has been harping on homeless people in California for the last few months and B) bashing California gets his rally crowds worked up. And that is how policy in the USA gets made these days. Yes, really; the Washington Post's initial story Tuesday on Trump's suddenly discovered need to clean up homelessness makes that quite clear:

Fox News has aired at least 18 segments on California homelessness in 2019, according to a review of Fox closed-captioning transcripts. None of the segments aired before June, and 10 aired in August alone.

We deeply appreciate the explanatory coda to that paragraph: "Trump is known to absorb content and ideas from Fox News." Which is why the Great Man's minions are now preparing to put on a show of doing something, anything, that can be seen on video to satisfy him. No, actually funding housing and programs that would keep people from becoming homeless is not visually interesting enough. Something along these lines would be a lot more exciting. Could we try this please?

Soylent Green. Bucket detain www.youtube.com

Then we could replace WIC and SNAP benefits with monthly shipments of Soylent products. They're packed with protein and shelf-stable!

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SCOTUS

Supreme Court Did Thing Again. It Was Not A Good Thing

'Go back to Mexico' would make more sense if the people were from Mexico.

We're treating immigrants like shit again.

This week, the Supreme Court allowed the Trump regime to bar immigrants who arrive at the US border from seeking asylum, unless they have sought asylum in another country first. The decision in Barr v. East Bay Sanctuary Covenant means the Trump regime can, in essence, bar all people from Central America arriving on foot from seeking asylum in the US, no matter how terrible the conditions they are fleeing. The rule does not allow for any consideration of whether the immigrants would be safe in that third country.

Giphy

Justice Sonia Sotomayor dissented, joined by RBG, reminding us that there is some good left in the world.

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Post-Racial America

Trump Loses His African-American, Now Down To A Mismatched Burlap And Pebble

Black man starts to suspect that Trump MIGHT BE a racist POS.

Donald Trump has lost his African-American. If it's any help, we're usually the last place you put us. During the 2016 presidential campaign, Trump spotted Gregory Cheadle -- who is black and not the actor Don -- in the crowd at one of his rallies. He paused his rambling nonsense to point at Cheadle and exclaim, "Look at my African-American over here! Look at him. Are you the greatest?" We don't recommend dehumanizing black people by assuming we're your personal property. That fad only lasted for 400 years.

Trump's African-American tried sticking it out in the GOP's "One of The Good Ones" club, where membership has no privileges. But he's finally had enough. Cheadle revealed to PBS News Hour that he's done with Trump's ragtag band of racists and is now a free agent.

CHEADLE: President Trump is a rich guy who is mired in white privilege to the extreme. Republicans are too sheepish to call him out on anything and they are afraid of losing their positions and losing any power themselves.

Cheadle hasn't been back on the plantation that long and already he's race-baiting and waging class warfare. It was all building up inside during the eight goddamn years he wasn't supporting Barack Obama.

Trump Praises to 'My African American' Supporter www.youtube.com

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News

​Is Mike Pompeo A Heat-Seeking Missile For Henry Kissinger's Ass? The News Says Maybe!

CALLED IT.

History lesson time! Once upon a time Henry Kissinger was a very bad man who was the secretary of State and also the national security advisor and he served a criminal president named Richard Nixon in both of those roles and then Richard Nixon got Watergated to death but he got better but then he died at a later date. Oh boy, Wonkette is the historian Kevin Kruse DREAMS of being!

Rumor has it that Mike Pompeo might be the next national security advisor. (CALLED IT.) Wait, but isn't he secretary of State? Yes, but pffffft, who cares, Trump loves Pompeo because Pompeo eats Trump's butt for breakfast. Wait, but isn't he secretary of Defense? Haha, no, silly, that is POP QUIZ BET YOU CAN'T REMEMBER THAT GUY'S NAME. Wait, but isn't he CIA director? Haha no, silly, just kidding kind of.

According to a senior Trump administration official CNN talked to, Donald Trump might be interested in "double-tapping" Mike Pompeo, which is a very gross way to put that, dammit, CNN! We were thinking about eating lunch, but we are not thinking about that anymore.

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Class War

Eugene Scalia As Trump's New Secretary Of Labor? Smother Us With A Pillow, We're Dead!

Like father like disgusting son!

Donald Trump has sent to the Senate his official nomination of Eugene Scalia, son of the late Supreme Court justice murdered by Hillary's death squads, to be the next US secretary of Labor. That's about what you'd expect from the guy whose first Labor secretary nominee, Andy Puzder, was a fast food CEO who advocated replacing minimum wage workers with burger-flipping robots, then withdrew when somebody recalled he'd been accused of beating up his wife. Not that there's a pattern or anything. In July, Secretary Alex Acosta resigned -- and Trump reluctantly let him go -- over his role in helping Jeffrey Epstein get a sweetheart plea deal years ago, because it's not great when the US Attorney sides with the child-raper.

Thank goodness no one has ever accused Eugene Scalia of ever being involved in abusing women, unless you count his arguing in 1998 that companies shouldn't be held liable for supervisors who sexually harass employees -- unless the company endorsed the harassment, you see. He also explained,

Saying "You're an incompetent stupid female bitch" a single time is not actionable environmental harassment.

One time is just having a bad day, we suppose, not a pattern. Beyond that, he argued that the concept of Quid Pro Quo sexual harassment -- demanding sex in exchange for keeping a job, or getting a promotion -- should be done away with because it's "redundant and ambiguous in theory, and cumbersome and confusing in practice."

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Culture Wars

Rudy Giuliani Took 'Blue' Anniversary of 9/11 A Little Too Literally

Here's a video that is bullshit!

September 11th, 2001 was a day that forever changed the course of history. It started a war we are still waging (Afghanistan), created new government departments (DHS, ICE), gave the government wide authorizations to violate privacy (Patriot Act), and created the security theater we all perform every time we want to go on a flight. (Because somehow a 16 ounce bottle of shampoo is bad, but two eight ounce bottles next to each other is cool. It's just science!) And as each year has passed, we've seen the anniversary of 9/11 cravenly used as a political tool, mostly by Republicans.

There is no better example of this than Trump's personal lawyer, former mayor of New York City and Nosferatu-looking fuckmouth: Rudy Giuliani.

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2016 Presidential Election

The Top 9,371 Times ProPublica Caught Brad Parscale Being A LiarF*ckingLiar

No wonder Trump loves him.

"When I give a speech, I tell it like a story," Brad Parscale told ProPublica when confronted by reporters Peter Elkind and Doris Burke with the massive shitpile of lies that make their way into his paid speeches. "My story is my story." Which is basically true, as far as it goes. The president's campaign manager is a shameless hustler, and the biography he peddles -- for $25,000 to $40,000 per appearance -- is definitely a hustle devoid of shame.

Here's how Ol' Neckpubes described his first job out of college in 1999 and his first marriage.

In his Miami speech, Parscale said he had "just had my first child, married" when he moved out to California, along with "an adopted son," before the failure of Electric Image and the loss of his job, "within a few months" of the 2001 World Trade Center attacks, sent him reeling. "In a year of that, I lost my wife. Not died — separated. … We got divorced, ended back in Texas."

Which is entirely correct, except that the child was born in 1999, Parscale didn't marry her mother until 2003, he never adopted his first wife's child, and they weren't separated until 2004. Which appears to be more than a year after 2001. But maybe we just can't math good since we didn't go to an Ivy League school like Brad Parscale.

He graduated from Trinity University in San Antonio in 1999, majoring in international business and economics. (He regularly describes it, incorrectly, as an Ivy League school.)

Hahahahahaha!

A-HEM.

Okay, just one more.

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News

​What's Better Than Trump's Worst Poll Ever? TWO Trump's Worst Polls Evers!

DO NOT CONGRATULATE.

Guys, we think maybe Donald Trump is not very popular with people who are American. We know, we know, he had the hugest number of free tickets available at the last minute to his inauguration, and he was elected by a solid minority of Americans in Buttfuck, Alabama, whose votes count more than those who live in cities, because reasons.

But he's never had an approval rating of 50 percent, and if the polls this week are any indication, he might have to stick with being impressed with himself when he manages to hit 40 percent.

Shall we look at some polling pornography, or as we like to call it, poll porn? We shall.

First, let's check in with President Reality-Knower:

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Immigrants

This Little Bahamian Girl Survived The Hurricane And You Already Guessed What Trump's Monsters Did Next!

Do you feel safer, America?

We sure wish we could be surprised by the Miami Herald's report that a 12-year-old Bahamian girl who fled the destruction caused by Hurricane Dorian was taken from her family and put into a shelter for "unaccompanied alien children" this week. And now the girl's mother can't get her out. But of course that happened. The family isn't Norwegian, now is it?

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Featured

Trump Thinks Using Foreign Spies Is HOW RUDE!

Jesus, what a useless sack of shit.

Here's a funny and ridiculous and stupid addendum to one of this week's disturbing stories, that of the CIA's highly valuable Russian asset who was apparently extracted in 2017, at least partially because officials were worried Donald Trump might actually burn the spy's identity to his patron Vladimir Putin. (This is the spy who reportedly gave the US the HUMINT -- human intelligence -- on Putin specifically ordering the Russian ratfucking operation to meddle in the 2016 election to hurt Hillary Clinton and help steal the election for Trump.) The story is disturbing for a number of reasons, but mostly because we are finding out about this right now, mere months after Trump weaponized his servant Bill Barr to investigate the investigators and get to the bottom of the origins of the Russia WITCH HUNT, including finding out about the Russian asset who betrayed Trump by telling the Americans about the Russian plan to install Trump in the presidency. If they're trying to fuck their Russian sources and discourage others from helping the United States, HECKUVA JOB.

CNN did some more reporting and found that, according to its sources, Trump just thinks spying is HOW RUDE! Like, in general. You know, if he wasn't ready to accept extremely general things that come with leading a country, like "all countries spy," then perhaps he shouldn't have let the leader of Russia steal him an election.

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Media/Entertainment

Frottage Perv Mark Halperin REFUSES To Take His Gross Penis And Go Home

What part of GET THE FUCK OUT did you not understand???

Mark Halperin has trouble taking no for an answer. It's a demonstrated issue that cropped up again when he reportedly flipped out on his former boss Phil Griffin. The MSNBC president, like most of civilized society, hasn't forgotten that multiple women accused Halperin of rubbing his penis on them, against their will, at work. Griffin shot down a comeback attempt with Halperin's one-time "Morning Joe" buddies, and Halperin called him directly to, we assume, weep into the phone. When that didn't work, he got downright snippy.

Multiple sources tell The Daily Beast that the conversation earlier this year became acrimonious, with Halperin dishing up vague threats against his former boss.

You'd think someone who considered unwanted frottage "flirting" would at least make direct threats. But Halperin is probably only capable of cutting to the chase when he's threatening to ruin the careers of women who reject his advances. During Halperin's richly deserved #MeToo fall, CNN reported the following:

Another woman claimed Halperin threw her against a window before attempting to kiss her. When the woman rejected his advances, he allegedly called her and said she'd never work in politics or media again.

It's certainly ironic -- at least how Alanis Morissette defines it -- that Griffin told Halperin in so many words that he'd "never work in politics or media again." Halperin's weak-sauce threats, likely delivered while he was wearing his bathrobe, didn't successfully bully Griffin, who probably won't take his phone calls in the future.

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