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Master Of Disguise! Wonkagenda For Thurs., Nov. 15, 2018

Trump is a lunatic, Nancy Pelosi prepares for battle, and Facebook really shits the bed. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Post-Racial America

Jim Jordan To GOP: What If We Were Big Stupid Liars Like Trump? You Know, HYPOTHETICALLY

Yes, it's because they're not Trumpy enough.

Ohio congressman Jim Jordan would very much like to become speaker of the House (not gonna happen), or even leader of the loser Republicans (not gonna happen), and he knows exactly how to make congressional Republicans popular with the American people again: Just be even bigger dicks and then everyone will elect them, once they're finally as bugfuck insane "intense" as President Grumpypouts. The former head of the House Freedom Caucus made his case on "Fox & Friends": Be like Trump, but turn it up to 15, because eleven is for pussies.

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Elections

Little Marco Rubio Kicking Big 3-Pointers At His Own Face Over Florida Election

Something something 'own goal.'

Florida Senator Marco Rubio has been busy the past week auditioning for America's Next Top Trump. We know he doesn't really enjoy being a senator, with all the required showing up occasionally. And he'll never be president because the Republican Party is mostly racist and its shrinking, non-racist electorate isn't keen on "lightweight chokers" who can't get through a debate without mindlessly repeating the same anti-Obama talking points. His career options severely limited, lately he's taken to hate tweeting in his underpants like Donald Trump before John Kelly reminds him he's in the Oval Office and should put on actual pants.

Rubio started to mentally unravel after last week's midterms. Governor Rick Scott, whom Rubio only tepidly endorsed in his Senate race against incumbent Bill Nelson, was all set to flip the seat when corrupt Democrats and their Soros-funded army of lawyers insisted all votes be counted. Rubio has been really resistant to this idea for random-Bible-verse-related reasons.

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News

Sad Trump Too Sad To President, Needs Exercise Wheel Or Maybe A War

Or maybe just a time out.

Now that the blue wave has actually happened and there aren't any more campaign rallies to tell him he's loved the best, Donald Trump is reacting as any normal US president would, according to the Los Angeles Times: he's become a very grumpy, snappish, no-fun guy, just locking himself in his room and listening to "I am a Rock" over and over, blubbering at the line "A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries." (Haha, that is silly. When Donald Trump feels emo, he just watches that old McDonald's ad with him and Grimace, then tries again to see if HR McMaster will let him nuke California. The answer keeps coming back "no," but maybe someday.)

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Russia

Let's Throw A Bunch Of Sh*t At The Wall And Call It The Trump-Russia #SMOKINGGUN

Ready for a DEEP DIVE into Russian fuckery, the likes of which we have only done several times in the past? LET'S DO THIS.

Monday night, we posted a hilarious and wonderful internet article outlining all the reasons we think some sorts of big moves are coming from Robert Mueller very very soon, probably as soon as this week. At almost the exact same time we hit publish, wingnut crazypants moron-ass conspiracy theorist Jerome Corsi went live on his Tumblr to say Mueller had told him last week he was going to be indicted for saying perjuries to the FBI.

It. Was. OMGLOLWTF.

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popular

NO CHAOS! NO CHAOS! YOU'RE THE ... Wait, Melania's Firing NSC Staffers Now?

It's a well-oiled machine.

Yesterday, Melania Trump celebrated World Kindness Day by greeting visitors to the White House.

Then she dispatched her spokeswoman Stephanie Grisham to shit-talk to reporters about Deputy National Security Advisor Mira Ricardel and publicly call for her to be You're Fired.

"It is the position of the office of the first lady that she no longer deserves the honor of serving in this White House."

Kindness is key!

It seems that Ricardel was insufficiently deferential to Her Highness over the use of National Security Council resources for her trip to Africa. FLOTUS wants a plane load of adoring aides to follow along as she poses in a pith helmet with brown babies, and FLOTUS intends to get it!

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White House

CNN: Give Jim Acosta Back His Press Pass Or HE WILL KILL AGAIN

OK maybe they're just suing the Trump administration over how it's being all fascist and shit.

CNN is suing Donald Trump, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and others in an attempt to get Jim Acosta's press credentials restored. CNN attorneys argue that whatever lame excuse the White House fabricated about his beating an intern to death with a microphone, the real reason Trump suspended his White House pass was plain old not liking CNN's coverage, and that there is an unconstitutional violation of the First Amendment.

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Trump

Wingnuts Can't Stop Making Up Weird Conspiracy Theories About Why Nobody Likes Them

Obviously, this is all George Soros's fault.

It started, I think, with the "paid protesters." an idea that was once the exclusive purview of conspiracy nuts like Alex Jones, but which swiftly became a "truth" widely accepted on the right, pushed by Fox News pundits and Donald Trump alike. At first, the primary targets of this theory were Black Lives Matter protesters -- the notion that black people didn't actually think cops were racist or that police brutality was a problem, that they didn't actually think racist white people were racist, but that they were being paid to say so by George Soros, a random Jewish man who wanted to ruin the days of good, God-fearing Republicans for no good reason whatsoever. (George Soros, for the record, is a goddamned HERO.)

Soon after, it was that people out there protesting Donald Trump were not doing so because they actually disliked him or thought he would not be a good president, but, again, because they were being paid by George Soros. It was a conspiracy practically built for the kind of man who would go around lying about the size of his crowds and how sexually attractive women find him. Shudder.

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News

President #NeverMoist Got His Ass Chapped About SOMETHIN' Today. Wonder What!

Aw, did somebody get some bad news?

Yesterday was a national holiday, which means President Lazy Ass spent the whole entire morning in his boudoir, grunting around under the covers with his phone and refusing to answer the door when mean John Kelly tried to knock and make him GO TO WORK, DAMMIT. On top of his normal morning stuff -- cacophonous waterbed farts, "Fox & Friends" and narcissism -- he decided it was time to desperately try to rewrite the narrative, already set in stone, that he is a piece of shit who embarrassed America on his trip to Paris; who cried like a baby because none of the parades in France were personally for him; who made up lies about how he couldn't go visit the graves of 50,000 Americans who died in war because of how his helicopter couldn't possibly fly in France's "partly cloudy with a chance of moist" conditions LAND HURRICANES; and who, upon arrival back in the United States, couldn't be bothered to travel two miles to lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery on VETERANS DAY, because, again, he couldn't deal with getting his hair wet in the it wasn't actually raining LAND HURRICANES, which apparently followed him back from France.

Maybe he has rabies and can't even risk touching water, we don't know.

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Elections

Lindsey Graham Knows What White Ladies Want

Why can't they all be like Susan Collins?

Senator Lindsey Graham has lamented that his party performed "fairly poorly with suburban women in some of these House districts." This is the canny political observation of a seasoned operator who watched dozens of Republican seats in the suburbs fall to Democrats. The running GOP theory leading up to the midterms was that the districts that voted for Mitt Romney in 2012 but switched to Hillary Clinton in 2016 did so only because of an aversion to Donald Trump. Without Trump himself on the ballot in 2018, these areas would remain loyal to Republican candidates. This did not happen.

We all recognize that "suburban women" is code for white women, specifically well-off, well-educated white women who are probably watching "This Is Us" right now. So, when the election returns came in from suburban districts on election night, it was clear that this prized demographic had fled Trump's party.

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Post-Racial America

Kirstjen Nielsen Quitting To Lock Babies In Cages In The Private Sector

Don't let the doorknob hitya...

BYE, KIRSTJEN! Looks like you'll finally be able to take that vacation to Norway, the multicultural wonderland of the north. Quick, stick a few of those cool tinfoil blankets in your pocketbook, just in case they deactivate your badge while you're in the ladies room!

The Washington Post reports that Trump will be giving Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen the boot any second now. Apparently, she failed to grasp that you can't just tell Trump the crazy shit he wants to do is illegal. You have to smile and nod, then try to keep a low profile while staying one step ahead of the law. DUH.

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Russia

Kellyanne Conway Knows Who Is An Idiot, And It Is Her Husband

Oh boy.

Hello Wonks! With cabinet members getting terminated by Trump faster than his likely (ALLEGED!) unprotected sex induced pregnancies, we figured we'd check in with Kellyanne Conway, who will never leave, to see what she's been up to the past couple of days. Spoiler: she thinks her husband is an idiot.

Conway made multiple appearance on the Sunday shows to spin the "truth" on Trump's replacement of Confederate Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions ...

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Russia

The Top 6 Signs Robert Mueller Is About To Indict The Sh*tfire Outta Some Folks, According To #Science

Unless it turns out we're wrong, in which case we weren't actually wrong, YOU WERE WRONG FOR READING THIS.

It's a cloudy day in Washington DC. It's also a federal holiday, Veterans Day, but Donald Trump can't do normal presidential Veterans Day stuff like lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery because he saw a cloud and you know what clouds do, they spit water at your face, and Donald Trump can't get wet because he probably has rabies, allegedly.

DC is quiet, is our point.

But there are indicators that somebody is at work, and that somebody is Robert Mueller. We could be wrong, but we have a sneaking suspicion that tomorrow, or Wednesday, or at the very latest Friday, we are going to get Indictment O'Clock for an early Christmas present. Here is why:

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Post-Racial America

What The F*ck Is Happening In Florida? Part 5,628,387,893,626,912,532,841

It always comes down to Broward.

The 2000 election is never dead. It's not even past. We're doomed to repeat the whole hideous hanging chads Florida debacle for all eternity. Roger Stone is even getting the gang back together for another Brooks Brothers riot, featuring Laura Loomer and the QAnon crew. Bring your Trumpy Bear along for the show and receive a free beer koozie!

As Rick Scott's lead over Bill Nelson in the senatorial election shrinks to 13,000 votes, the GOP has entered full panic mode. Just like in 2000, they need a judge to step in and put a stop to the vote counting STAT! What a lucky break that the election supervisors in both Broward and Palm Beach Counties are African American women -- not that they'd have had any trouble getting Trump to shout insane shit about the election, but it doesn't hurt.

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Trump

Trump Stops Yelling At Clouds For Three Days, Hides From Them Instead

OK we're kidding, he's still yelling at clouds.

Donald Trump is back from Paris, shaking off his incredibly challenging weekend surrounded by globalists who hate America. Along the way, he blew off visiting an American WWI cemetery Saturday because "rain," scowled his way through a ceremony marking the 100th anniversary of the Armistice, at which French President Emmanuel Macron condemned rampant nationalism, and then finally got to have a Dead-Americans-Only commemoration of WWI at a different US cemetery outside Paris, where he still couldn't resist joking about how nice it must have been to be one of the American WWII veterans in attendance, shielded from the weather. And once he got home, he's doing nothing -- maybe golfing? Dunno -- because it's a holiday of some kind. No public appearances on his schedule. It's not like he'd lay a wreath at Arlington, because this is not Memorial Day, and also it's raining.

Oh wait, no it's not.

Also, Arlington National Cemetery is two miles from the White House. But let's be fair -- perhaps Trump is worried the mist will make him have a bad day or maybe he is a Gremlin and can't come in contact with water or maybe he has just been living with rabies this whole time and that's why he can't risk it.

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News

Trump's Matt Whitaker Appointment Turning Into ClownF*ck Of 'Jacob Wohl' Proportions

MAN, the Deep State must hate this guy!

HOLY WEEKEND NEWS DUMPS! While Donald Trump was across the ocean getting dunked on by Emmanuel Macron and skipping ceremonies for war heroes because he was scared his shithole hair would get messed up, journalists kept digging into the life and times of Trump's fake acting attorney general Matthew Whitaker, and DAMN. All's we know is that the Deep State must fuckin' HAAAAAAAAATE that guy, whose appointment was probably completely illegal and unconstitutional in the first place so why are we even talking about this.

We already knew bits and pieces about Matt Whitaker's scammy scummy fraud-y old gig, on the advisory board of a scammy scummy fraud-y company called World Patent Marketing, that did some MILD FRAUDS. When customers got mad, Whitaker would write them mean threatening letters. (You should read about how they "scammed US military veterans out of their life savings," as The Guardian puts it. Happy Veterans Day!)

What we didn't know -- and what one of the victims and also some other unknown people (deep state!) were more than happy to tell the Wall Street Journal -- is that FUCKIN' COMPANY IS UNDER FBI INVESTIGATION. And Whitaker was on the advisory board! And he made videos for the company! And he sent those mean threatening letters! What we're saying is that Whitaker is in deep.

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