alec baldwinchinaDonald Trumpelectionelectoral collegeexxon-mobilhackingjohn brennanJohn Goodmankellyanne conwaymick mulvaneyNavy DroneombPDBpeter kingpt news breifRNC hackrussiasnlsylvester stallonetrump securityvladimir putinvoter fraud
ElectionsDecember 19, 2016 09:02 AM
Trump's Very Own Stasi! Wonkagenda For Monday, December 19, 2016
Well a good Monday to you, Wonketariat! Here's some of the stories we might be talking about today while you avoid going outside! Why not just stay here with us?
- The Electoral College meets today and is expected to plunge the the country into 1,000 years of darkness with the only light coming from smoldering piles of rubble and nuclear waste.
- A U.S. Appeals Court has said electors in Colorado could change their vote, offering a sliver of hope in conjunction with a large media campaign targeting electors to think very carefully about what they're about to do, though some electors are fielding death threats, and others are under police protection in Pennsylvania.
- Kellyanne Conway doesn't think there is any evidence of hacking contrary to reports from the CIA, the FBI, the DNI, the White House, Congress, and the DOJ, which suggest that KaC may smoke more weed than a time traveling Snoop Dog at a Grateful Dead concert on 4/20 at 4:20. Totally bad vibes.
- Security was SO great at the RNC that it stopped Russian hackers bigly from breaking in, stealing all their data, and leaking it. Their super big special secret was that ONLY one ex-staffer was targeted, as opposed to Hillary Clinton's entire campaign, the DNC, Congressional Democrats, etc., etc.
- New York Republican Rep. Peter King wants CIA Director John Brennan investigated for a "hit job" for sending out a memo on Friday that said the Russians hacked DNC and Clinton campaign emails. Facts are smears!
- The President's Daily Briefing may become inconsequential seeing as how Donald Trump is, "like, a smart person."
- SURPRISE! All that talk about voter fraud is a bunch of MALARKEY as officials have recorded only a single instance of fraudulent voting, though there were a number of instances where people themselves may have screwed up thanks primarily to things like voter I.D. laws.
- A U.S. Navy drone captured by the Chinese has been returned, but some people are worried that the Chinese may have stolen technology to make their own remote controlled boats. For his part, Donald Trump tweeted that China should have kept our drone, prompting the Chinese to frown in earnest disapproval as the U.S. old-man-baby-elect struggles to play with his toys.
- Exxon-Mobil stands to gain oil tankers full of money as Russian sanctions are expected to lapse under Trump and the company pulls the strings of governments around the world to drink up the last of our worlds sweet oil milkshakes.
- A number of the suits standing next to Trump at his
Victorythank you tour are actually private security contractors, and some are concerned about Trump's private police force because they do not have to play by the same rules as the Secret Service.
- South Carolina Republican Rep. Mick Mulvaney has been tapped to lead the White House Office of Budget and Management, which is the perfect gig for a Tea Party whack job who would cut off Uncle Sam's bits and pieces if he thought it could save a buck or two.
- Sylvester Stallone has decided to turn down Trump's offer to be chairman of the National Endowment for the Arts because he's got better things to do like helping veterans, and making Rocky a hit Broadway musical.
- Saturday Night Live had another Alec Baldwin/Donald Trump cold open with a few special guests and an elf on a shelf.
- And, finally, your morning Nice Time, PENGUINS! They take the cold in stride...err waddles.