TSA Personnel Will Not Touch the Monkey

Sieg Heil! - WonketteBecause the Homeland Security bureaucrats are always plotting against Americans and our precious freedoms, a lack of crazy terrorist make-believe schemes in the news does not mean air travel should suddenly be anything but a miserable nightmare.

That's why the TSA policy team is constantly inventing new ways to make the journey through the airport much worse than any possible terrorist attack -- at least a terror attack kills you and ends the suffering! Our Helpful Big Brother is teaching airport screeners new ways to deal with compelling problems, such as the rash of terror attacks involving "service monkeys" and "service monkey handlers." That obese TSA employee with the sixth-grade education no longer needs to invent some on-the-fly absurd treatment of such simians and simian enablers, because it's all in the procedural manual:

"When the handler and the monkey go through the W.T.M.D. and the W.T.M.D. alarms, both the handler and the monkey must undergo additional screening." The rules add that security officers "have been trained not to touch the monkey during the screening process" and that "the inspection process may require that the handler take off the monkey's diaper as part of the visual inspection."
And You Thought Snow Globes Were Harmless Decorations [NYT]

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