and then she eated the victim's head

OMG HILLARY WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU ARE WINNING THIS PRESIDENTIAL RACE THING, MUST YOU REALLY MURDER EVERYBODY LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO, ALLEGEDLY? Hoo boy, what is yr Wonket talkin' about? Oh, this thing we found on a some shitty-looking conspiracy website, that's just suggesting that Hillary murdered some guy who happened to do a lot of research into the CLINTON SCANDALS:

Prolific author, AMERICAN FREE PRESS writer and seasoned Clinton researcher Victor Thorn was found at the top of a mountain near his home, the apparent victim of a gunshot wound. Family and some close friends contend Thorn took his own life on his birthday, August 1. Thorn would have been 54.

Family and friends SAY he committed suicide, but that's what Hillary would have you believe, now isn't it? Guys, let's pause right off the bat to say that, regardless of the dude's political beliefs, this is a very sad thing that happened and we extend our condolences to his family and friends. Let's also note how fucked up it is that cockweasel fake "journalists" on the internet are JUST SAYING Hillary probably murdered him, because she is such a murder-y maniac who likes to murder.

But why would Hillary need to silence this man by killing him dead? Obviously here is why:

Best known for his investigate research on the Clintons, Thorn wrote the Clinton trilogy—three definitive works that delved into the history of the power couple including their sordid scandals, Bill Clinton’s sexual assaults of multiple women, and the drug running out of Mena, Arkansas while Clinton was governor of the state.

Ah. Guy was a 9/11 truther too, so ho hum. Maybe Hillary killed him to cover up how she did 9/11, just like she did Benghazi, with her emails.

But again, the family is sticking to its story that Hillary did not actually murder the deceased man on top of a mountain, probably because they are so afraid of Empress Pantsuit and the canyon full of dead bodies in her backyard:

Family has countered that there was no evidence of foul play at the scene and that Thorn most likely took his own life.

At this time, however, we are looking into all possibilities. The recent release of Crowning Clinton: Why Hillary Shouldn’t Be in the White House and the Hillary (And Bill) trilogy, which has been selling off the shelves at AFP recently—exposing all the dirty secrets the Clintons have tried so hard to conceal over the years—certainly provides a motive for murder.

Yes, gosh, those esteemed works of investigative journalism are having such an impact on the presidential race that Hillary is leading Trump by 15 points in one of the latest polls. But the polls are probably part of the conspiracy!

Clearly, the majority of Americans know better. At the very least, there are probably eleven people in America who have right-wing conspiracy theorist uncles with personality disorders, who have read all these works cover to cover, and Hillary and Bill Clinton will probably have to execute them with knives, lest all their dark secrets be brought into the light.

So anyway, again, this guy committed suicide, which is sad and terrible. But just in case he didn't ...

If, in fact, Thorn was taken out by the Clintons, we will, sadly, have to add Thorn’s name to the long list of Clinton victims to be found in Thorn’s own masterpiece ...

Let's not fuck around, you're going to add his name to that dumb fucking Clinton Body Count list regardless, you stupid paste-eating jizz goblins.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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