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Russia

The Top 768,796 Reasons Putin Wants Trump Re-Elected, For GOP Rep. Chris Stewart And Idiots Like Him

WE ARE JUST TRYING TO HELP.

Yesterday we learned about the Russia briefing to the House Intelligence Committee that pissed off Donald Trump so much he fired his director of national intelligence, because the ODNI briefer told Congress the obvious truth that Russia is trying to get Trump re-elected. In that briefing, butthole-mouthed GOP Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah was reportedly highly skeptical that Vladimir Putin would even want Trump re-elected, because Stewart is apparently high on his own sauce and truly believes the lies he tells himself about how Trump has been tougher on Putin than anybody else.

According to the New York Times,

Mr. Stewart insisted that the president had aggressively confronted Moscow, providing anti-tank weapons to Ukraine for its war against Russia-backed separatists and strengthening the NATO alliance with new resources, according to two people briefed on the meeting.

Mr. Stewart declined to discuss the briefing but said that Moscow had no reason to support Mr. Trump. He pointed to the president's work to confront Iran, a Russian ally, and encourage European energy independence from Moscow. "I'd challenge anyone to give me a real-world argument where Putin would rather have President Trump and not Bernie Sanders," Mr. Stewart said in an interview, referring to the nominal Democratic primary race front-runner.

This is the guy who was reportedly one of Trump's top choices for permanent director of national intelligence, but apparently isn't anymore because somebody showed Trump a mean quote Stewart said in 2016 where he called Trump "Mussolini" and Trump doesn't like him anymore. (Funny how much these Republicans have changed! Wonder why.)

Regardless, that sound you hear right now is Wonkette and every other patriotic and informed American endlessly screaming and banging our heads against the wall and wondering how Stewart and his fellow Trump-humping Republicans manage to put on pants in the morning without injuring themselves.

Why would Putin want Trump? Dunno, Congressman, why did Putin want Trump in the first fucking place? Because the reasons back then are the same as the reasons now, except for how how Putin also had a personal vendetta against Hillary Clinton in 2016. But oh boy, there were a thousand reasons Putin preferred to have his puppet Donald Trump in the American presidency then, and there are a million more now!

Instead of endlessly screaming, Wonkette chooses to be helpful to Chris Stewart and anybody else who is as dumb as he is and answer his question. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, DUMBASS.

Here is a long but not remotely exhaustive listicle! CLIP AND SHARE whenever someone is BEING AN IDIOT.

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White House

DNI Trump Fired Over Russia Briefing ALSO Ukraine Crime Spree Witness, How Coincidence!

Who could have seen this coming!

Congratulations, Joe Maguire, you just played yourself!

The story about Trump flipping out and firing his acting director of national intelligence, Joseph Maguire, because the intelligence community reached the blindingly obvious conclusion that Russia is trying to get him elected AGAIN, is fucked up six ways from Sunday. But let's not lose sight of the fact that just five months ago Maguire threw his body on the whistleblower hand grenade in a desperate effort to save the president from himself. And yesterday, for his troubles, he got tossed out like garbage.

THAT TRAIN IS NEVER LATE. And also, AS YE SOW, SO SHALL YE REAP. Plus a whole bunch of other aphorisms, probably.

Let's rewind the tape, shall we?

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Journamalism

The Hill SO SORRY For Putting John Solomon’s Ukraine Lies In Wrong Section Of Newspaper, We Good?

It's about ethics in framing journalism.

HOORAY! HOORAY! The Hill's review of its disgraced hack "opinion columnist" John Solomon is here! Hooray! After three months of soul-searching about Solomon's fruitful collaboration into investigating the Bidens with Rudy Giuliani, Devin Nunes's guy, the chucklefucks, and the firm of Hairball and Hairball, Esquires to the Stars and Also John Solomon; and into how much Solomon lied about working with Giuliani; and into how much Solomon didn't disclose citing his own attorneys and misdirected his editors on who exactly Lev Parnas was; and into his "smear campaign" of Marie Yovanovitch on Rudy Giuliani's, the chucklefucks', the hairballs', the corrupt prosecutors', and Ukrainian billionaire Dmytro Firtash's behalf, the Hill has a very solemn promise to make.

AHEM.

It will try really hard in future not to blur the line between "news" and "opinion," which was obviously their only problem.

So, we good?

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Impeachment

Trump Just Fired Another Ukraine Crime Spree Witness, No Big

Nothing to see here, just Trump out for more revenge.

Oh look, Trump's revenge rampage continues, after the Senate "acquitted" him of the Ukraine crimes we know with 100 percent certainty that he committed:

The Pentagon's top policy official John Rood resigned on Wednesday at the request of President Donald Trump, according to a copy of his resignation letter obtained by CNN.

And why? Because the administration had "lost confidence" in him, uh huh, you bet, sure.

Or maybe it was because Rood was one of the officials who raised alarms about Donald Trump's very illegal and very uncool hold on Ukraine's congressionally appropriated aid.

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justice department

Is Bill Barr Cockblocking The SDNY? Sure Damn Looks Like It!

PULL THE FIRE ALARM.

Hey, y'all hear those rumors that Attorney General Bill Barr has been threatening to resign, and has been supposedly telling Trump folks that? Ha ha! That is not what this post is about. Pink pussy hat and GIT OUT if it's true, asshole!

Were we not just saying like five seconds ago (yesterday morning) that it's getting KIND OF WEIRD how Barr keeps appointing special buddy pal US attorneys to look into whatever is grieving Donald Trump that day? They're not special counsels, they are Bill Barr's special boys!

Well surprise, there's a new one! And if we're reading this right, it's a pull-the-fire-alarm moment because it sounds like Barr is directly and obviously fucking with the Southern District of New York (SDNY), which likes to introduce itself at cocktail parties as the "Sovereign District of New York," because of how notoriously independent it is. That would be bad.

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White House

John Bolton Invited To Kick Self In Dick At Earliest Convenience

What, are you not enjoying John Bolton's striptease? And don't you feel SORRY for him?

Stop the presses, everyone, John Bolton is finally talking. Or shall we say, he is teasing. He's styled his mustache with some Bed Head hair gel he found at the Walgreens, he's wearing a sexxxy naughty cat costume he found at the Party City, and he's showing just the tiniest bit of nip. Now you see it, now you don't!

Bolton, who didn't see it as his constitutional duty to testify before the House or the Senate in the impeachment inquiry or trial, and whose book is now being held up — obviously improperly! — by the White House acting on allegations that Bolton is too much of an idiot to write a book without including a bunch of classified intel, is nonetheless talking.

And he wants to tell you what he knows, it's just ... can you keep a secret??? No, John Bolton couldn't possibly. John Bolton must now slip his nips back inside his sexxxy naughty cat costume, because our relationship just isn't ready for it.

In an event at Duke on Monday night, Bolton said Trump is full of shit on Ukraine, but "I can't talk about it." He said all the stuff that factored into Donald Trump's impeachment were just "sprinkles on the ice cream sundae" compared to all the bad shit he wrote about ... but he can't talk about it.

Asked whether he agreed with the president's assessment that Trump's July call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky was "perfect," Bolton said "You'll love Chapter 14."

But you can't read Chapter 14. Chapter 14 is "classified." Chapter 14 is a victim of the "censorship." Chapter 14 is John Bolton's nipple, and you can't see it right now.

:(

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justice department

Lev Parnas Maybe More F*cked. Who (Bill Barr) Will Save Rudy Giuliani Now????

It's good to have cover-up artist friends in high places.

Do us a favor real quick and remember everything we know about Bill Barr's Justice Department lately, including the fact that Barr has been personally intervening in cases related to Donald Trump, and has even been "micromanaging" certain cases at the usually crazy independent Southern District of New York (SDNY). Got all your knowledge about Barr's Justice Department and SDNY at the front of your brain?

Are you also remembering that Rudy Giuliani himself has been under criminal investigation by SDNY, but instead of a perp walk, we have learned recently that Giuliani has a secret shoe phone back channel to Bill Barr, so he can deliver all the absolute bullshit "evidence" against the Bidens he's been collecting from craven liars on his Ukraine vacations?

Did you read Liz's latest story about Bill Barr's ratfuckery at the DOJ for the benefit of Donald Trump's authoritarian pals in Turkey?

Good.

Now read this scoop from CNN, which is that already-indicted Rudy Giuliani pal Lev Parnas might end up with more indictments from SDNY:

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Media/Entertainment

Senator From 'Deliverance' Talking About 'Honky Tonk Woman' And Brain Damage, We Are So Confused

Or maybe HE is confuse.

Senator John Neely Kennedy, the thing what went to Oxford but who seems to want you to think he was raised by a brusque yet kind redneck alligator in the Louisiana bayou, went on the Sunday TV shows yesterday. And he said ...

Well, we're not quite sure what he said.

The question on "Face The Nation" was about whether it is appropriate for Donald Trump to turn the Justice Department into a vehicle for avenging his grievances, and specifically whether Trump should have tweet-whined about how unfair Roger Stone's recommended sentence was, immediately after which Attorney General Bill Barr very conveniently followed Trump's orders and issued a new sentence recommendation.

And Kennedy said:

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Impeachment

Rand Paul Thinks YouTube Has Some Obligation To Torture Its Users With Clips Of Him Speaking

That's cruel and unusual punishment!

Rand Paul, the second-worst senator from Kentucky, is very upset that YouTube recently pulled a clip of him being a jerk on the Senate floor. Paul insists that YouTube's decision was "dangerous and politically biased," but it's his own actions during Donald Trump's sham impeachment trial that more accurately fit that description.

In the clip YouTube removed, Paul pitched a fit and demanded Chief Justice John Roberts explain why he'd blocked one of the senator's questions. It's believed Paul's question contained the name of the Ukrainian whistleblower. Considering Roberts read aloud Elizabeth Warren's shade bomb that mentioned him directly, the substance of Paul's "question" must've been especially out of bounds.

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Ukraine

Marie Yovanovitch Will Stick Her Sensible Wedge Pump Right Up Mike Pompeo's Craven A**

But diplomatically!

BREAKING: Mike Pompeo is a rancid garbage person! Must credit Wonkette!

Just kidding. But the news cycle has once again forced the secretary of State into comparison with former Ukrainian ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, and the juxtaposition only highlights what a craven, self-serving little pissant we have at the helm of our nation's foreign policy apparatus.

Here's Ambassador Yovanovitch receiving the Trainor Award for distinguished diplomatic service yesterday at Georgetown University.

Reflecting on the past year, she joked about Trump's PERFECT PERFECT PHONE CALL with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, saying,"When you go through some things, to fall back on cliches, you have to dig deep."

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National Politics

Keep Talking, John Kelly. You're Not Done Atoning.

At least he's speaking up. Specifically, he's speaking up for Alex Vindman. So that's good, we guess.

We've officially reached the break-glass-moment of Donald Trump's slide into autocracy, so it's interesting to see who actually decides to speak up, especially among those who used to serve in Trump's administration.

John Bolton decided during the impeachment trial that he didn't really want to talk to Congress, at least not that much, so he flipped off the House and offered his services to a Republican Senate that didn't want him. That way he could just put it all in his book, but UH OH, John Bolton, Trump is blocking your book and he's telling people he wants you criminally investigated! You hate to see it. (And we mean that. As much as we believe Bolton should take a mustache ride to hell, when we have reached the point in a criminal presidency where Trump is musing about maybe criminally prosecuting JOHN FUCKING BOLTON, his former national security advisor, then it's a pull-the-fire-alarm moment, as we have been saying all week.)

Former White House chief of staff John Kelly has said a few things the past couple years. When the Bolton book excerpts started leaking during the impeachment trial, in which Bolton confirmed every bit of Trump's Ukraine crime scheme but couldn't seem to find a microphone to walk up to say that out loud, John Kelly said he believes Bolton and that trials should have witnesses. Bold statements, if you're chickenshit. Also, it got leaked through the grapevine before Kelly was fired that he, like Rex Tillerson and H.R. McMaster, thought Trump was a total fucking idiot.

But Kelly has some things to say now! Some might say he's unleashed! And if it somehow helps counter Trump's unhinged belly-flop into authoritarianism, then fine, we'll highlight it.

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Trump

Trump's Reichstag Fire Is Here, And It's Going To Burn For The Next Nine Months

We're there, y'all.

Yesterday in the Oval Office, the alleged president again congratulated Bill Barr's Justice Department for intervening in the Roger Stone sentencing on his behalf, because the baby thinks it's unfaaaaaaaaaair. He also, as usual, said meaningless words about FISA warrants (that had nothing to do with Roger Stone) and whined about someone only receiving two months for leaking "highly classified information," even though his dumb ass leaked "highly classified information" to the Russians, our adversaries, the day after he fired James Comey, in that very same Oval Office. Oh, and of course he played cute with whether or not he's planning on pardoning Stone.

In other words, typical day in the hellscape that is now America.

The Trump White House swears, at least on record, that he's not retaliating and unleashing a campaign of revenge on all those he perceives to have slighted him, of course he's not doing that, HOW DARE YOU EVEN. National Security Advisor Robert O'Brien huffed at a think tank event Tuesday that Trump's retaliatory firings of Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman and his brother Yevgeny Vindman were totally normal, nothing to see here, they were "absolutely" not retaliated against, and also those guys were bad. O'Brien insisted, "We're not a country where a bunch of lieutenant colonels can get together and decide what the policy is of the United States," and added that "we are not a banana republic," to which we reply OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR: Assumes facts not in evidence. We live in Donald Trump's fuckshow vision of America now. It's looking more and more like a banana republic every day.

Meanwhile, White House comms idiot Keegan Gaygley Booger Whimsybottom Hogan Gidley told Fox News on Wednesday that it was just "ludicrous" to suggest Trump pressed Bill Barr to piss on the Justice Department and cause the resignations of four respected career prosecutors, by intervening to get Roger Stone's sentence reduced to a slap on the wrist, a pony ride and a free blowjob, HOW DARE YOU EVEN. Gidley said, of course, that Trump "has the right" to interfere with the Justice Department, because of how he is an unaccountable king, we guess, but he "just didn't" do that.

In other words, the gaslighting is in full effect.

But the truth is that of course Donald Trump is retaliating, and of course he's turned the Justice Department into a lawless organ for airing his grievances. He's firing everybody who ever went against him by refusing to commit crimes for him, and he's taking his revenge, because he's fucking unleashed. In the seemingly neuron-free zone that is Donald Trump's brain, he has really and truly been "acquitted" of all wrongdoing, or at least he now fully understands that as long as the Senate is controlled by Republicans, he really can do anything he wants. He literally says he won in the Senate on impeachment 52 to nothing. In the House he thinks he won 197 to nothing. In his mind, the Democrats are illegitimate and do not exist.

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2020 democratic primary

Tulsi Gabbard Thinks It's OK When Trump Fires Your Boyfriend Alex Vindman And His Brother Just To Be A Dick

Draaaaaaaaaag her.

We at Wonkette are pretty solidly on record when it comes to fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Tulsi Gabbard. We have always been Vote Blue No Matter Who With A Remainder Of Tulsi Because LOL Nope. From her weirdass buddy-buddy kinship with dictators to the fact that, whether she likes it or not, Russia loves her and so do white supremacists, to her "present" vote for impeachment, to her hiiiii-larious lawsuit against Hillary Clinton, there is nothing about Tulsi Gabbard that isn't just yuck. (Except her mom's homemade toffee. That is apparently the opposite of yuck.)

On Friday, Donald Trump, full of rage and sowing his wild oats and feeling free to go forth and commit more crime in the wake of his "acquittal" vote in the Senate, fired Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, who testified about Trump's Ukraine crimes for the House impeachment inquiry. Just to be a goddamned fucking dick, Trump had Vindman's twin brother Yevgeny (who is nine minutes younger, Alex WILL TELL YOU) fired from the National Security Council too.

To be clear, this guy is a Purple Heart recipient, a guy who escaped from the Soviet Union when he was three years old with his family, and went on to serve this country nobly. He is the best among us. And Tulsi Gabbard is kind of fine with Trump firing him because DERP DEE DERP, what are you going to do? Elections have consequences, DOY DOY DOY DOY DOY.

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Impeachment

Have The Cows Been Telling Devin Nunes Lies About Marie Yovanovitch, Or Is He Just That Stupid?

Yes.

Devin Nunes is not the brightest potato chip in the toolshed. We know this. And we also know, from Lev Parnas's receipts, that Nunes and his associates seem to have been involved in Trump's Ukraine crimes, going back a very long time, trying to hit up Ukraine for fake Joe Biden dirt to help Trump steal the 2020 election. Problem is, it sounds like Devin Nunes, dim bulb that he is, may actually believe the fake dirt, which means he's just as gullible as Rudy Giuliani, and that's just sad and entirely unsurprising, as these are the type of people the "do not eat frozen solid" labels on frozen pizza were intended for.

Late last week, Nunes decided to smear former ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch some more, because that train is never late, saying she's just real lucky his House Intelligence Committee Republicans didn't get to call any (lying) witnesses (to lie to Congress), because if they did, they would have testified (lied) that Yovanovitch was a big Trump hater who couldn't stop saying bad things about Trump. This lie, of course, is one of the primary reasons Trump wanted her fired, but Lev Parnas now says he no longer believes those lies he used to tell about Yovanovitch.

Tattoo it on cow's back and call it a tramp stamp, Fucking Devin still believes the lies, as he explained to Laura Ingraham the other night:

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Ukraine

Graham Announces Joint Barr-Giuliani Investigation Of Bidens, Because We Are A Banana Republic Now

They're not even bothering to hide the corruption any more.

Slow your roll, Bill Barr! Don't want to blow that corruption wad in February and have nothing left for the rest of the year. Gotta save a little something for October when you'll need to announce a criminal indictment of whoever wins the Democratic nomination. Pace yourself, big guy!

Oh, it's funny — but not funny, haha — because it's true! This weekend, Donald Trump's BFF Lindsey Graham went on CBS's "Face The Nation" with Margaret Brennan to brag that the Justice Department will be going after Joe Biden in earnest now that Republicans have put that pesky impeachment business to bed. After acknowledging that Rudy Giuliani's insane arglebargling about Joe Biden might well be Russian propaganda, he said that our esteemed Attorney General Barr has a special hotline set up for Rudy Giuliani to bring sexxxxy Biden dirt right up to the highest levels of the Justice Department for vetting. And Bill Barr just confirmed it at a press conference this morning.

Cool cool. Who better than a political appointee whom the president said on his PERFECT PERFECT READ THE TDSJU7R11PT PHONECALL would coordinate the Biden smear with Rudy Giuliani, to ... coordinate the Biden smear with Rudy Giuliani from the comfort of his own desk inside the Justice Department? It's not like Barr tried three times to suppress the whistleblower complaint and then wasted whatever credibility the DOJ and Office of Legal Counsel had by insisting that congressional subpoenas were totally optional.

Oh, wait!

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