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Ukraine

Mike Pompeo Did Not Come On This Question Show To Answer Questions!

SOMEBODY'S heat-seeking missile is on the fritz, cannot find Trump's ass very good right now.

Mike Pompeo is sad and angry and frustrated and feeling poorly and looking stupid and making dumb lie faces, and it is all your fault. His heat-seeking missile still exists only to find Donald Trump's ass, but it seems to have lost its spirit. That's the thrust of a piece in CNN, and an interview Pompeo did with George Stephanopoulos on Sunday.

Oh yeah, and he's not answering your "hypotheticals" about things (acting) Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney admitted to, about the literal actual crimes Trump committed with Ukraine, for which he is now being impeached.

Stephanopoulos started this line of questioning by quoting GOP Senator Lisa Murkowski, who seems kinda sorta appalled by the news that's coming out, and who said last week, "You don't hold up foreign aid that we had previously appropriated for a political initiative. Period."

Thoughts, Mike Pompeo?

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Ukraine

Mulvaney, Lying In Bed Made Of Sh*t, Demands To Know Who Said He Said He Sleeps In A Sh*tbed

The Sunday Show Rundown!

It's been another tough week for the Trump administration, but nobody's having a worse week than Mick Mulvaney.

The (acting) chief of staff decided on Thursday to just outright admit to quid pro quoing the living shit out of Ukraine! After confidently announcing a new emolument charge (G7 in Trump Doral!) and telling everyone to "get over it" about abusing the power of the presidency, Mulvaney enjoyed 1.5 seconds after the press briefing before Trump surely yelled at him worse than when he coughs in his presence. Ever since then, Mulvaney has been trying to shove the impeachment genie back in the bottle with varying degrees of failure.

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Impeachment

Torture Cheerleader John Yoo Is Back To Lie About The Constitution

He's claiming the Founders did not believe in impeachment, which they did.

Oh goodie. The torture guy has more wisdom to share with us.

War criminal John Yoo, George W. Bush's favorite waterboarding lawyer, is back to lecture us on the Constitution. Because irony, like God, is dead.

Yoo, who once argued that the president could massacre entire villages and crush children's testicles if he wanted to, is back on the scene. But instead of torturing Muslims, this time he's here to torture American history.

So that's on-brand.

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Impeachment

SEAL Commander Who Killed Bin Laden Just Saying The Republic Is Under Attack, From Donald Trump

IMPEACH THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY.

Admiral William McRaven, who commanded the SEAL team that killed Osama bin Laden, has not been shy about criticizing Donald Trump when he sees fit. This sets him apart from, say, former Defense secretary Jim Mattis, who did the Al Smith dinner last night and LARFED LIKE A CLOWN at Trump calling him overrated, saying he guesses he is the "Meryl Streep of generals," hahahahahaha funny joke, Jim Mattis, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING SPEAK OUT RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

Last time we visited Bill McRaven, he was all up in the newspaper when Trump was threatening to take security clearances from former CIA director John Brennan and others, saying if you're going to rip the security clearance from those patriots, please take his too, sir, as it would be a motherfucking honor coming from a shithole president such as Trump. (Not his exact words.)

Unsurprisingly, McRaven is back this week with a blistering op-ed (yes, it's blistering!) in the New York Times, which explicitly says America is under attack from within, by our criminal president Donald Trump. He's just saying. The decorated admiral who led the SEAL team that killed Bin Laden. Says America is under attack. And that the invading power is Donald Trump.

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Ukraine

Rick Perry Resigning To Spend More Time With His Subpoenas

BOY BYE.

Governor Goodhair is taking his mousse and going back to Texas. Bloomberg was first to report that Rick Perry tackled Donald Trump on Air Force One like a process server to drop his quitfire notice. Well, to be fair, Bloomberg was second, since the New York Times reported it two weeks ago, only to have Perry accuse them of Fake News.

But don't panic, guys. Donald Trump was quick to assure his fans in Texas that Perry's replacement WILL HAVE A PENIS, saying, "It's a man that we're going to be putting in Rick's place." Whew, glad we dodged that tampon, huh?

So why is Perry noping out now? Is he still moping about the failure of his plan to make it illegal to close coal plants because of "national security"? Or was this dash for the exit precipitated by Perry's realization that he is up to his SMRT glasses in impeachment shit? Because every day another damning detail of the administration's efforts to shake down Ukraine surfaces, and Rick Perry's idiot finger prints are all over it.

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News

Laura Ingraham: If Mick Mulvaney Were A Lawyer, Which He Is, He Could Avoid Confessing To All The Crimes

You gotta give the press the old razzle dazzle!

White House (acting) Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney's press briefing Thursday lacked the confident professionalism of a dumpster fire. It was like the "West Wing" episode when Josh filled in for CJ. But Josh just admitted that the president had a secret plan to fight inflation (he didn't). Mulvaney admitted that the president held up funding to the Ukraine until he got dirt on his political enemies (he did).

Donald Trump reportedly "wasn't happy" that Mulvaney implicated him in multiple crimes. This is why the chief of staff is still temp to perm. Conservative media did their best to help Mulvaney out of the hole he'd dug and dumped bodies into on live TV. Wall Street Journal columnist Kim Strassel accused the press and Democrats of "moving the goal post" and claimed the Ukraine scandal is no different from the "Russia collusion fake story."

STRASSEL: Now, apparently, there is something inappropriate - or it is a quid pro quo for the president to say, we're not going to give you money until you tell us whether or not you meddled in our 2016 election. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but we just asked Bob Mueller to do the exact same thing for several years with regards to Russia. I mean, that's not a quid pro quo, that's a legitimate ask.

These fever dreams about Robert Mueller are a popular diversionary tactic from conservatives now. Trump is the true hero here. Mueller dithered around like a common Hamlet, but Trump isn't wasting time. He'll do whatever it takes to defend America from enemies foreign and domestic, who happen to have the names Clinton and Biden. Go figure. Strassel just released a new book, Resistance (At All Costs), about how "Trump Haters Are Breaking America" (that's the rest of the title). Trump tweeted a glowing review and expressed his appreciation for Strassel early this week. That's probably not quid pro quo either. She's just a hack who shamelessly defends Trump no matter how obviously criminally he behaves.

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Ukraine

Who You Gonna Believe? Mick Mulvaney Or That Dumb Liar Mick Mulvaney?

Call us crazy, but we believe Mick Mulvaney.

Good news, everyone, the crimes you thought happened at the White House did not actually happen at the White House, because (acting) White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney has released a statement to say Donald Trump did not commit the crimes Mick Mulvaney admitted Trump committed on live TV several hours before this statement right here, which is the truth.

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Ukraine

Mick Mulvaney: Trump Committed Ukraine Crimes, It Was Awesome, GET OVER IT!

Did Mick Mulvaney think he was talking to his priest just now?

Hooray, we've reached the stage of Donald Trump's impeachment where they just go on TV and say, "Yeah, Trump did the crimes! Crimes are THE BEST! We're taking a blubbering shit on the Constitution and selling America's national security out to our enemies in order to satisfy the whims of the world's stupidest authoritarian leader, and that is a thing we are PROUD OF!"

The messenger today was White House (acting) Chief of Staff/fluffer Mick Mulvaney, and his message was FUCK YEAH BUDDY! CRIME IS COOL! GET OVER IT.

Specifically he admitted that part of why they were extorting Ukraine and withholding aid is because they wanted Ukraine to investigate the syphilis hallucinations Trump and Rudy Giuliani are experiencing about what really happened in 2016, including Trump's bizarre belief that the Russians didn't hack the DNC, Seth Rich stole those emails and framed the Russians for the hacking, and that after a series of exciting and batshit twists and turns, that server was smuggled away from the FBI and is now buried in a rich guy's backyard in Ukraine.

Or whatever the fuck it is.

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Ukraine

Can You Read Gordon Sondland's Ukraine Testimony Without Punching A Baby? A Wonkette Self-Control Test!

So inconvenient when your confederates go on television confess to all the crimes you're in the process of denying under oath.

Lord grant us the confidence of a rich, white Boomer businessman who knows jack shit about foreign policy but has a cool million to buy an ambassador gig and thinks he's God's gift to international relations. Gordon Sondland's opening statement to his House testimony today is out and ... THIS FUCKIN' GUY. He literally touts his qualifications to represent America's interests to the European Union by bragging that, "My successful business background and results-oriented focus made me, in my view, well-suited to bring the fresh perspective to US foreign policy that President Trump had sought." Thank you for your unbiassss view of you, your excellency!

In fact, Sondland's perspective was so "fresh" that The New York Times reports he told random people they could drop by any time at the White House, resulting in a group of Romanian officials showing up uninvited, and Fiona Hill testified that he jeopardized national security by using his personal cellphone for government business and handing out cell phone numbers of government employees. But it's not like he had an unlicensed server in the basement of the official residence he's in the process of renovating with a million taxpayer dollars, so ... it's all good.

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Impeachment

Adam Schiff To Whiny Republicans: CALM YOUR F*CKING BALLS

Schiff would like explain a few things about the impeachment process Republicans won't stop bitching and moaning about.

Have you read Five Dollar Feminist's report today on how the GOP is just so mad and angry and blowing a fuse about Adam Schiff's closed door impeachment hearings? Lordy Jesus, those wingnut congressmen tried to storm congressional hearings they weren't invited to yesterday like they had just landed at Normandy and, seeing that the Kurds hadn't shown up to help, realized they'd have to do all the storming on their own.

Anyway, if you haven't, you need to read that one, because this post is about House Intelligence Committee Chair/impeachment czar Adam Schiff's Wednesday letter to all his House colleagues, which says CALM YOUR FUCKING DUMB OLD BALLS AND SHUT YOUR SHITMOUTHS, I AM THE BOSS OF YOU AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!

OK, maybe it doesn't exactly say that. (Hey Schiff, how does it feel to have somebody do Treason Paraphrases to YOUR words? Oh, it feels OK and it's pretty funny and you love Wonkette so much? We'll carry on then.)

Schiff, pretending his GOP colleagues have true and legitimate objections to how Democrats are conducting the impeachment inquiry, sent the letter to clarify a few things, and he makes a couple of interesting arguments. We already knew that part of the reason things are behind closed doors for now is because they don't want witnesses comparing notes on what they're going to tell Congress, in order to keep their stories straight.

But Schiff makes a point we hadn't thought of before, about past impeachments, which is pertinent because of how Republicans won't stop bellyaching about PRECEDENT! and PROCESS! and RIGGED! Namely, he notes that in past impeachments, the House hasn't had to do the full damn investigation by itself, but rather has been handed impeachment road maps and special counsel reports. In this case, Trump's low-rent Roy Cohn at Justice, Bill Barr, specifically declined to investigate the criminal referrals it received on Trump's crimes with Ukraine, which means the House has to do everything itself. Therefore closed door interviews are the order of the day. For now.

SO STFU, DICKS.

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Impeachment

Closed Door Hearings BAD NOW, Declares Party Of Benghazi/Travelgate/Fast & Furious

Nobody light a match!

Banking on the public's collective amnesia about every single thing that happened in the past twenty years, the GOP is now screaming bloody murder about the closed door impeachment hearings being held in the House. Yesterday a group of Tea Party loons attempted to storm the hearing room during witness testimony like they were liberating the Bastille. And House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy is moving to censure Adam Schiff for treasonous paraphrasing and running a "Soviet-style" investigation which will execute poor, innocent Donald Trump without due process or the right to confront his accuser.

Truly, if it wasn't for bad faith, Republicans would have no faith at all.

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Ukraine

Trump Not Sure If Rudy Giuliani Is Literal Actual Foreign Agent ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But apparently there is a 'counterintelligence' aspect into the investigation into Giuliani. AYUP.

Another Rudy Giuliani post already?! Didn't we already have one today?

Yes well, when you are as fucked as Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump's unpaid criminal lawyer (wocka wocka we see what we did there), then life comes atcha fast, which means Wonkette posts about Rudy G. come atcha fast!

Today in the Oval Office, sitting next to Sergio Mattarella, the president of Italy, Trump did that thing he does and whined about all his problems. And what he wants you to know is that Rudy Giuliani is 1) a great guy, 2) just really worried about the "corruption" in Ukraine and 3) IT WAS ALL RUDY'S IDEA, DANGIT, RUDY MADE ME DO THE CRIMES RUDYDIDITRUDYDIDITRUDYDIDIT!

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Trump impeachment hearings

Mick Mulvaney Is Up To His Mick In It

It's the director of the OMB and (acting) chief of staff's time in the barrel.

Mick Mulvaney, COME ON DOWN! It's your time to shine, baby! And by "shine" we mean wind up under the klieg lights as a central figure in the impeachment hearings for all the dirty, dirty deeds you did when you were "letting Trump be Trump." Would it be looksist for Wonkette to suggest that the (acting) chief of staff spend some time exfoliating and moisturizing before appearing on television in HD? Because, umm, that guy looks like a walking bowl of Frosted Flakes.

But even more than a good loofah, Mick Mulvaney needs a good lawyer -- i.e., not some Fox flunky. Because he's in deep, deep shit. As House Democrats dig into the impeachment investigation, they're finding Mulvaney's grubby fingerprints (and telltale dandruff) all over it. Because he's a jack of all trades, who coordinated the State Department's Ukraine policy while wearing his (acting) COS hat, and then slipped on his Director of the Office of Management and Budget hat to put a hold on the funds allocated by Congress for Ukrainian defense until President Volodymyr Zelensky agreed to play ball and investigate Trump's political rivals.

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Impeachment

Trump White House ID's REAL Ukraine Treason-Crimer And It Is ... Let's Say That Guy!

Scapegoat found.

Blessed damnation, the White House is looking for a scapegoat to distract us all from the verified science fact that Donald Trump (and Rudy Giuliani!) improperly and illegally led a campaign to extort the president of Ukraine into investigating his political rivals and thereby assist Trump's 2020 re-elect, in exchange for a White House visit and military aid Ukraine desperately needs to protect itself from Russia, and which had already been appropriated by Congress. We say this is a verified science fact because we have the partial transcript of the call as released by the White House, which corroborates the whistleblower complaint, which corroborates State Department text messages from two of the "Three Amigos" deputized to do Ukraine crimes after the Trump administration pushed the real professionals out, which corroborate the testimony of literally everyone who's sat down with Congress in the past two weeks.

THAT is what Donald Trump is being impeached for.

But in the whistleblower complaint, we learned a new bit of alarming information that was tangential to the central issue, but important and fucked up nonetheless: that the Trump White House has been taking Trump's embarrassing and crime-y and maybe treason-y unclassified phone calls with foreign leaders and hiding them on a secret NSC server intended only for the most closely guarded secrets, like details of the bin Laden raid. (That's why we nicknamed it the "Bin Laden Server.")

But never fear, everyone! The White House is investigating the White House for improper activities at the White House involving the secret White House server! We are sure they'll find the ONE PERSON responsible for all of this, whose name is definitely not Donald Trump! It is John Eisenberg! John Eisenberg is the bad man! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!

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Legal

Michael Flynn's Batsh*t Lawyer Has OUTDONE HERSELF

What the fuck did we just read?

Michael Flynn's batshit lawyer is at it again! Sidney "Emoji Warcrime" Powell dropped another loony motion yesterday to force the government to hand over newly discovered Brady materials -- i.e., exculpatory evidence -- to advance her theory that poor, innocent Michael Flynn WUZ FRAMED by the dastardly FBI. Yes, really, again with this shit.

Let us remember that Michael Flynn is charged with lying to the FBI about his phone conversations with the Russian ambassador. And that he already pled guilty to this crime in open court. The defendant's guilt or innocence is not a live issue in this case, and all that remains is for Judge Emmet Sullivan to decide how much time, if any, Flynn will be spending in the clink. Flynn has already signed away his right to demand further evidence from the government, and the origins of the Special Counsel investigation have absolutely nothing to do with the charges against him.

And yet! Counselor Moonbat is currently demanding that the government turn over the metadata on Joseph Mifsud's phones ASAP. In case you have an actual life and forgot who Mifsud is, he's the shady-ass Maltese professor who told George Papadopoulos that the Russians had Hillary Clinton's emails. Despite Mifsud and his lawyer/associate Stephan Roh's well-documented connections to Russian oligarchs, the current thinking in Wingnutistan is that Mifsud is a DEEP STATE WESTERN ASSET who set up poor, naive Georgie Porgie Puddin' and Pie by ...

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Ukraine

Rudy Giuliani Don't Need No Stinkin' Lawyers!

Fool for a client, indeed.

Rudy Giuliani has lost his goddamn mind. We've said it before but this time for serious. Finding himself smack in the middle of a congressional impeachment investigation and a criminal investigation in the Southern District of New York, Rudy has decided that right now is the ideal time to fire his lawyer.

Because he's a MAVERICK! Or perhaps a LUNATIC! Definitely one of those two.

Describing it as "silly to have a lawyer when I don't need one," Giuliani told the New York Daily News that he was blowing off the congressional subpoena, and "if they decide to do an enforcement, I'll need someone to go to court with, and we'll figure that out at the time." He already hired his former law school classmate Jon Sale to write a NUH UH YOU CAN'T MAKE ME letter to Congress, so Rudy's pretty sure he's home free now.

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