By the Comics Curmudgeon
Last week your Comics Curmudgeon tackled two very important tropes in the world of political cartooning: pooping and huge boners. "Ha ha," you say, "surely it can't get any worse pooping and huge boners!" Well, just as attempted teenage furry statutory rape was soon topped by actually implemented furry dog rape, so too you will come to look back warmly at the innocent time known as "last Friday," when the worst you encountered was Kim Jong-Il's enormous missile-dingus. That's because this week you will be confronted by creepy, fetishistic depictions of vomiting, and "tickle play." Forewarned is forearmed!
You know who are a bunch of sick motherfuckers? The Dutch, that's who. Take the expenses scandal currently gripping the British government, which basically involves the revelation that lots of members of Parliament were using the allowances they get for their second homes to buy nice things for themselves. Check out Alex Balk's amusing coverage on The Awl for the details, but rest assured that said details involve misleading paperwork and middle-to-upper-class homes and the renovation and quick sale for profit thereof, and not, as this cartoon from an Amsterdam paper would have you believe, a pudgy, sweaty, balding man vomiting forth a horrifying flood of slips of paper, in greater volume than any human could possibly contain within his digestive system, as if his alimentary canal had become a portal to an awful, nightmarish hell-dimension. But, I mean, the Dutch, you know? What're you going to do?
American cartoonists, meanwhile, are less about things erupting horrifyingly from mouths in great torrents, and more about things being crammed into mouths until you think that said mouths are just going to tear apart at the edges! While I enjoy seeing some bekippah'd dork trying to break the world record for simultaneous cigarettes smoking as much as the next guy, I'm not sure I buy the analogy. Surely the Israelis aren't smoking (building) as many cigarettes (settlements) as possible all at once as an ostentatious display, but are instead veering wildly between claiming to be on the verge of quitting, any day now, I know it's bad for me, but I just gotta taper off, to cut down on the withdrawal symptoms/mollify the religious parties, and sullenly proclaiming that, fuck you, I'm gonna smoke all I want, I don't care what you think, you can't stop me. At any rate, it's a well known fact that "Dr." Obama doesn't have much moral high ground here, being a notorious nicotine aficionado.
Having solved (by which obviously I mean "not solved") the Middle East, President Obama took on his next important task: bringing pleasure to foot fetishees everywhere! Wait, is that a word? Fetishee? I mean someone who gets off not on doing perverse things to other people's feet but on having perverse things done to their feet. I'm sure one of you sickos knows the correct term, but anyway the point is that Barack Obama is a Big Government Liberal who puts the government in charge of things that should be the province of private industry or churches, such as foot worship. In typical socialist fashion, Obama has built some enormous, impractical piece of heavy foot-pleasuring machinery, which is using a dildo attachment to provide mecho-erotic stimulation to every American in turn, paid for by higher taxes on the rich.
Middle East peacemaker ... toe-cleavage fucker ... "Stop smoking now!" informercial guru ... President Obama wears a lot of hats (metaphorically; no real hat should ever cover his sexily shaped skull), so one wonders how he has time to do all that and sell Chevys and Buicks at low, low prices! It's almost as if he were in multiple places at once! In fact, he is, as part of the elaborate Islamo-Communist cloning experiment that actually created him in the early 1960s. This explains a lot of the holes in his backstory, such as how he could manage to be born simultaneously in Kenya, Indonesia, and Hawaii, and why he had to take the oath of office on multiple occasions. Technically the clones are supposed to be kept separate from each other; putting them all in the same room, as depicted here, can cause a terrible case of "clone-rage," in which a duplicate, faced by his exact replica, enters a state of identity panic and attempts to eliminate his rivals. The resulting battle royal will not only be thrilling to watch but will resolve many of the Constitutional questions raised by the existence of multiple cloned presidents.
Meanwhile, the Republicans, ignored by all and left to their own devices, have constructed an extremely crude Sonia Sotomayor sex doll. Their plan is to berate and humiliate it as a prelude to sexual conquest, but they will end up clutching at its stubby little doll arms, weeping into its straw-stuffed chest that nobody loves them anymore.