U.S. Army Establishes Robot Caliphate

johnny 5!The U.S. Army has been ignoring advice from countless dystopian, CGI-enhanced Hollywood blockbusters and is speedily developing "combat robots," which are wired to kill brown people on sight and let humans ask questions later. According to Philadelphia's CBS 3, five thousand mercenary death robots are on the ground in Iraq, "finding booby traps or searching for the enemy." Rumors are already swirling that when these sexually repressed robots pillage a town, they have their way with the local lady robots in the village cantinas (one of them being Johnny 5's wife!) Their human controllers are too caught up with the possibilities of metal death machines to care about robotic sexual abuse. According to Jim Braden of the Army's Joint Robotics Program, "The real trend right now is the infantry and maneuver forces looking at, 'what can a robot do for me.'"


One of the largest suppliers of robots to the Army is a Massachusetts based company that also makes deadly vacuum cleaner robots. Apparently copyright laws don't apply to the robot industry, as this company is called iRobot. If anyone in the Army has seen the Will Smith romantic comedy I, Robot, they should know that robots have poor loyalties, and they will side with whichever terrorist offers the best microchips and/or robot concubines.

But pride, that old scourge! Pride hath blinded military robot makers! Listen to Ross Dyer of iRobot describe one of the company's hottest new machines, the Warrior. "This is a serious robot.... This is a 250 pound robot that will be able to run a 4-minute mile." Holy SHIT the WARRIOR!!

Actually, who cares about the Warrior and its nearly inhuman speed. Another, more dastardly evil robot has recently been sent to Iraq. It is called "Swords." Although this sounds peaceful and nature-loving, some are concerned that Swords might get off from man-blood. But the military, according to CBS 3, "insists it is not unleashing a mindless killing machine." Of course, they already have, when they unleashed themselves a few years ago in Iraq.

Robots Play Larger Role in Iraq War [CBS 3]


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