U.S. Generals Finally Admit They're Not In Iraq For 'Democracy,' Either
Top U.S. generals in Iraq have some bad news for fans of Democracy: Iraq cannot have some.
Nearly five years into the greatest American war ever, Army brass are finally admitting what nearly everyone else on Earth (including Dick Cheney) has known for so many years: Bombing the fuck out of a distant country for no actual reason and killing half a million of its people and scattering its armed military forces and destroying its entire infrastructure and executing its government and raping its children and elderly in torture chambers and forcing its educated and professional classes to flee to other countries is not, in fact, a surefire way to spread democracy in the Middle East.
Even more tragic, it's not even a good way to seize the oil fields, which are still suffering from destroyed infrastructure and daily attacks by all those Iraqi army guys we put out of work.
But for the first time, exasperated front-line U.S. generals talk openly of non-democratic governmental alternatives, and while the two top U.S. officials in Iraq still talk about preserving the country's nascent democratic institutions, they say their ambitions aren't as "lofty" as they once had been.
"Democratic institutions are not necessarily the way ahead in the long-term future," said Brig. Gen. John "Mick" Bednarek, part of Task Force Lightning in Diyala province, one of the war's major battlegrounds.
Experts say the only smart solution is to detonate nuclear bombs throughout Iraq to kill all the Arabs, install George W. Bush as dictator of the world, repopulate Iraq with people from Texas (but not Mexicans), and ... well that's as far as the experts got with the idea, but it will probably work if there's enough purple ink.