coronavirus

Fox News All 'Shut Up, CNN! Trump Had SH*TTY Covid Vax Plan, Not NO Covid Vax Plan!'

Libs, consider yourself OWNED!

You might have heard yesterday or this morning that CNN had a hot scoop what said the Biden administration was having to start from square one on COVID vaccine distribution, because of how the Trump administration had left them "no coronavirus vaccine distribution plan to speak of." Which would be both amazingly bad and also par for the course for what we expect from the previous know-nothing fascist regime!

CNN's piece had anonymous quotes like this:

[I]n the immediate hours following Biden being sworn into office on Wednesday, sources with direct knowledge of the new administration's Covid-related work told CNN one of the biggest shocks that the Biden team had to digest during the transition period was what they saw as a complete lack of a vaccine distribution strategy under former President Donald Trump, even weeks after multiple vaccines were approved for use in the United States."

There is nothing for us to rework. We are going to have to build everything from scratch," one source said.

Another source described the moment that it became clear the Biden administration would have to essentially start from "square one" because there simply was no plan as: "Wow, just further affirmation of complete incompetence."

However you interpret those quotes, the Biden administration got them a nice shit sandwich tied up in a nice shitty bow, sounds like. That said, if you read the headline and the quotes themselves, you can see how there might be some gray area between LIT'RALLY no plan and something more akin to "this fuckin' shit is some fuckin' shit, we're gonna have to start all over." Either way, again, both amazingly bad and also par for the course from the Trump administration.

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Religion

One Million Moms Yelling At Sticky Gay Cadbury Jizz Eggs Now

Happy day, we've got time to give them attention again!

We interrupt your jubilant exultation over the humiliating exit of Dear Leader Donald Trump to bring you glad tidings of the greatest One Million Moms ever.

You know the One Million Moms. There's like one of 'em, and her name is Monica Cole, and she uses computers. Specifically she uses 'em to TOTALLY ANNIHILATE companies when they do naughty things, like when Dole says grown-ups do "fruit bowls" to each other (ON THE GENITALS) and Hallmark puts gays in the movies (WHICH MAKES HER THINK OF THEIR GENITALS) and Highlights For Children puts gays in their children's magazine (GENITALIA) and GAY DUCKS (GENITALS!) and Toy Story 2 has one scene with lesbians (HOO-HOO GENITALS!) and GAY DEMON OWLS (HOOT-HOOT GENITALS!) and GAY PAPER TOWELS (probably use them to wipe up their GENITALS!) ...

Oh and one time the Burger King said the "D" word, which is SURVEY SAYS GENITALS!

Lady may not have one million actual moms behind her, but lady got at least one million issues. What she doesn't have is a track record of companies paying attention to a damn word she screams into her computer with her typing fingers.

Now, you might have thought Monica Cole spent the night before Inauguration Day crying and crying because President Pussygrabber was leaving, or maybe anticipating the next day's promised QAnon storm, because we absolutely would not be surprised if she is also a QMommy.

But she managed to send out our favorite One Million Moms press release ever of all time, and it is about gay Cadbury eggs. Sticky, oozy, jizzy Cadbury eggs, shared by gays. (ON THEIR GENITALS! Oh no wait, it is on their tongues. WHICH MIGHT AS WELL BE GENITALS IF WE'RE TALKING ABOUT GAYS, LIKE COME ON!)

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White House

Look, Shiny Normal Thing! First White House Presser Of Biden Era

No theatrics, no talk of crowd size. What are these people UP to?

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki held her first White House press briefing yesterday, and surprised many by taking questions and answering them without sounding the least bit defensive or snotty to the assembled reporters. There wasn't a bit of drama at all, so of course that threw social media for a loop, with people raving about how remarkably unremarkable the whole thing was. Psaki even promised to keep holding pressers every weekday, though she added that there would be no weekend press briefings because, she asserted, "I'm not a monster." Here's the entire 31-minute briefing, cued up to its actual start time for your convenience:

Did you notice how she didn't accuse any of the reporters of being fake news, or of being out to destroy Joe Biden? Weird!

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Congress

If Democrats Just Put On These Handcuffs, Mitch McConnell Pinky Promises To Stop Hitting Them. Deal?

GTFO.

If Mitch McConnell wants to hold his breath until Chuck Schumer pinky swears not to get rid of the filibuster, he can have at it.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (oh, yeah, baby!) seems to be having a wee bit of trouble adjusting to his new JV status after Vice President Kamala Harris swore in Senators Jon Ossoff, Raphael Warnock, and Alex Padilla yesterday. For some reason, McConnell is laboring under the delusion that he's still in charge and able to dictate the terms. Now he's demanding as a precondition to handing over the gavel that Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (is it hot in here?) promise not to nuke the filibuster.

And get this, he's promising to filibuster the resolution reconfiguring committees to reflect the Democratic majority status until he gets his way. Chutzpah!

Look at this filthy sumbitch!

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