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Puerto Rico Gov. Ricardo Rosello, Take A F*cking Hint!

Puerto Rico Gov. Ricardo Rosselló really seems intent on disproving the old adage "No man is an island" after leaks of private chat logs of Rosselló's Cabinet, RickyLeaks, revealed how callous, homophobic, misogynistic, and corrupt the government of Puerto Rico is. (We covered it HERE.)

After weeks of protests unlike ever seen in Puerto Rico, Rosselló took to Facebook Live on Sunday to tell the people of Puerto Rico that he has heard their demand:

Just kidding!! He refused to resign BUT he said he won't run for re-election, stepped down as the head of his political party, and said he would not oppose a formal impeachment. Well how fucking big of you, Ricky! So nice for you to offer everything but what the people of Puerto Rico have been clamoring for. So, inevitably, this led to even BIGGER protests around the island as more protestors continued to ask for only one thing: Ricardo Rosselló's resignation.

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Immigrants

ICE Don't Need No Stinking Judges

We must do something about these lawless aliens. Like get rid of due process!

In yet another brilliant move that has to have its origins in the mind of Stephen Miller, the Department of Homeland Security announced a new rule Monday that will vastly expand its ability to deport undocumented immigrants -- without so much as a hearing. The new regulation will broaden the ability of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) to subject people to "expedited removal," a process for instant deportation that currently is used only against a limited number of undocumented migrants. When the rule is published in the Federal Register today, it will immediately go into effect, because we're in an EMERGY, remember? One that Donald Trump created for political purposes, but an emergy all the same.

Currently, only certain undocumented immigrants are subject to "expedited removal": those who have been in the country less than two weeks, and who are caught within 100 miles of the border, usually by the Border Patrol. Unless they request asylum (and can demonstrate a "credible fear" of persecution or torture if they're returned to their home countries), such recent arrivals can generally be deported without a hearing under the Immigration and Naturalization Act.

But DHS has decided to scrap those limits. Instead, ANYONE who doesn't have a pending asylum or other immigration hearing can be placed into expedited removal, anywhere in the country. Expedited removal can be used on anyone who's unable to demonstrate, "to the satisfaction of an immigration officer, that they have been physically present in the United States continuously for the two-year period immediately preceding the date of the determination of inadmissibility." Quick, can YOU prove, right now, with only the documents you have on you, that you have physically been in the US for the past two years? To the "satisfaction" of a federal officer who has instructions to deport you if at all possible?

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News

Anna Wintour Has Some Things To Not Say About Melania Trump

DAMN.

Anna Wintour, the legendary Vogue editor-in-chief, has some opinions on Melania Trump. Unfortunately, instead of sharing them in an appearance on a podcast from The Economist ... wait, did we say "unfortunately"? That is not the word we meant to use there! We meant to say that Wintour decided to respond to a shitload of questions about Melania Trump by decidedly talking about other people. Better people!

Interviewer Anne McElvoy wanted Wintour's thoughts about Melania Trump so very badly. And she got them! Just not in the way she was going for:

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Russia

All You Need To Know About The Robert Mueller Hearings, Aside From MAYBE YOU SHOULD READ HIS F*CKING REPORT

Gonna be a shitshow, y'all!

Hooray, Robert Mueller is testifying before Congress on Wednesday! Have you decided what you're wearing? (Alan Dershowitz, we already know your answer is NOT PANTIES, so you don't have to weigh in here.)

In advance of the hearing, we are getting all kinds of reporting about what to expect and what Congress is doing to get ready. Did you know that, according to CNN, the Judiciary Committee is going to focus on Trump's obstruction of justice, whereas the Intel Committee is going to focus on Trump and Russia? That's quite a surprise to anybody who doesn't have the foggiest idea what either of those committees does for a living! Meanwhile, the Republicans will be playing with their poo on live television and trying to get Mueller to admit that Hillary Benghazi Secret FBI Lovers Unmasking Seth Rich Comey Deep State Dossier Whitewater Travelgate Pizzagate Devin Nunes Is Smart.

Or something. Here's Mark Meadows, with a witty retort from Yr Wonkette:

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Media/Entertainment

Paul Krassner Is Up In Heaven Now

Even if you don't know him, you know some of his work.

Paul Krassner, the counter-culture satirist who founded The Realist and co-founded the Yippies, died Sunday at home in Desert Hot Springs, California. He was 87. His daughter, Holly Krassner Dawson, didn't say what the cause of death was, but said he'd been receiving hospice care. We'd like to think that, if there is an afterlife -- not something Krassner believed in -- he's already making fun of whoever's in charge.

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White Nonsense

Chris Wallace Sh*ts All Over Stephen Miller, So That's 'Sad'

It's the Sunday Show Rundown!

El Presidente Trumpito's syphilis-addled brain tweets from last week, when he told four congresswomen of color ("The Squad," Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley) to "go back where you came from," sent Republicans on a weeklong Circe De SuRacists acrobatics to excuse it.

We went from Kellyanne Conway's impromptu Ancestry.com with journalists to racists at a Trump rally chanting "Send Her Back" which Trump basked in before trying to gaslight people into believing he opposed to it only to later follow it with "sorry not sorry" while doubling down. Normally, any sane person would let this die down so the media/news cycle could move on. But norms don't exist, President Fucksquib is not a sane person, and time is a flat circle we are doomed to repeat.

Living these 2 1/2 years really ages you...

Giphy

So early Sunday morning, while probably fast food constipated, Donnie decided to tweet:

So who better to speak about racism than Trump's own Wormtongue, Stephen Miller, on "Fox News Sunday" with Chris Wallace.

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News

It's Mueller Week, And SOMEBODY Is Already Sh*tting His Bathrobe!

Have a delightful week, Mister President.

It was a weird feeling. It was eight o'clock on Monday morning, and Donald Trump hadn't made a tweet. Usually by this time the old yapping pube clown had whined at an uninterested America nine or 10 times. What was happening? Was he dead? Was he rearranging his chunks of orange stomach blubber to get them just right so that his ten-foot long red tie would rest on it just perfect? Just having a hard morning on the john? It was probably that.

But never fear, Shitmouth is awake, and whatever he just did in the toilet is the White House staff's problem now! Twitter fingers UP!

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Recipe Hub

You Won't Feel Neutral About These Yummy Swiss Chard Rolls!

Look, it was that or something about banking or cuckoo clocks.


Swiss chard is one of the best summertime vegetables, but you've probably never even heard of it, you uncultured buffoon. It has broad leaves and hearty, colorful stems, ranging from white through yellows to all kinds of pinks and rich purply reds. Chard is very closely related to beets. You might even think of it as a beet plant with no root so you have to eat the leaves. (Also, too, you can eat your beet leaves, if you want. Not as tender and tasty as chard, but much more satisfying than the shitty marble-sized beet your home garden produced.)


If you ventured beyond your Super Walmart's produce section to a local farmer's market FOR ONCE, you would almost certainly find Swiss chard from spring all the way through fall. It's also really easy to grow in your garden your own damn self. Yr Wonkette once had a Swiss chard plant survive a mild winter and continue to yield for a second year. It is easy to work with in the kitchen, and most importantly, it is delicious. For this recipe, try to find a bunch that doesn't have a huge rib of stem running the whole length of the leaf; it will make the rolling up easier.

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Culture

Chill Out With Wonkette's Book Club And Le Guin's 'The Left Hand Of Darkness'

It's the 50th anniversary of a science fiction classic.

This weekend, fifty years ago, human beings landed on the Moon and left a plaque saying they'd "come in peace for all mankind." Also this weekend, the eastern United States is experiencing a heat wave of the sort that's likely to become more common in the unfolding climate disaster humanity has brought upon itself. And during the past week, the "president" of the USA explained that some Americans just plain don't belong here, and deserve to be expelled. Seems like as good a time as any to discuss Ursula K. Le Guin's visionary 1969 novel The Left Hand of Darkness, a story about climate and civilization on an inhospitable planet, gender politics, and for that matter, patriotism and exile.

Plus, the book is set on a planet in the midst of an ice age, so perhaps talking about it will help you stay cool.

For this week's Book Club, we'll be focusing on the first eleven chapters of Left Hand, so as a courtesy to folks who haven't read ahead, please try to avoid spoilers about the second half of the novel, mmkay? You're also more than welcome to join in even if you haven't read the book, or haven't read it recently, because if there's ever been a real-life book club meeting where everyone finished the book, we haven't seen it! And remember, there's still plenty of time to catch up for next week's discussion! You can buy the nifty 50th anniversary edition with a nice kickback to Yr Wonkette, or grab a used or library copy, or even dust off that cool old copy you read decades ago, like this Wonkette reader did:

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News

Elijah Cummings Just Asking SDNY If There's Anybody's Ass He Ought To Beat Right Now (Hint Hint!)​

Jerry Nadler's not the only one pissed at the abrupt and weird end to the SDNY's investigation into Donald Trump's campaign finance crimes.

We barely just finished telling you that House Judiciary Committee Chair Jerry Nadler was super-pissed after seeing this week's unsealed Michael Cohen documents, and has requested the honor of Hope Hicks's presence back in Congress, so they can clear up whether she lied to their faces about her knowledge of the booby peener porn payoff campaign finance crimes committed by Michael Cohen and orchestrated by President Individual-1. And now another Democratic committee chair is super-pissed and has fired off his own letter, now that the Southern District of New York (SDNY) investigation into those crimes is apparently over, without anybody besides Michael Cohen going to prison for the crimes Individual-1 directed.

Elljah Cummings, chair of the powerful House Oversight Committee, has sent a letter directly to the SDNY, specifically to Deputy US Attorney Audrey Strauss, who oversaw the investigation, and boy oh boy he has some damn QUESTIONS.

Specifically, Cummings would like to know if it's true, as has been reported in USA Today, that a large part of the reason the investigation ended was because of the stupid damn fucking wrongheaded DoJ policy that says you can't indict a sitting president. Did they just quit investigating because it's pretty clear that the primary person who should be rotting in prison, either with or instead of Cohen, was Trump, but because of some dumbass memo (not a law) that Attorney General Bill Barr keeps folded up inside his grundle for safekeeping, they couldn't do anything about it so fuck it?

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Culture Wars

Sen. Josh Hawley Reaches Out To The Neglected American Herrenvolk

These 'cosmopolitan elites' he's so worried about -- are they rootless?

Josh Hawley, the first-year Republican US Senator from Missouri who promised to protect people with preexisting conditions from his own lawsuit to overturn Obamacare, gave the keynote address at the "National Conservatism Conference" Sunday. It was quite the performance, what with its rousing call to end the "cosmopolitan elite experiment" he says has poisoned America. It was quite a barn-burner, and part of what National Review called the beginnings of an "Intellectual Trumpist" movement, Crom help us. Along the way, he railed against the shadowy international globalists, using a lot of rhetoric that sounded mighty familiar!

Yes, we're calling him a Nazi because he sounds like a goddamn Nazi.

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News

Hey Hope Hicks! Jerry Nadler Would Like To See You In His Office.

Did Hopey LIE TO CONGRESS? It sure seems like that's a possibility that has not been ruled out!

On Thursday, we were able to read the parts of the FBI warrant on Michael Cohen's house/office/hotel/playpen about the illegal campaign finance crime scheme he carried out, at the direction of Donald Trump, in order to make sure two women Trump had affairs with would keep their mouths shut about that, in order to benefit Trump electorally. And though the investigation is now closed (under curious circumstances), we were able to determine that it's at least possible that more people than just Michael Cohen should go to prison for this shit, since the evidence in the warrant suggests that he was a pretty equal player in the scheme, even if he was the point man between Trump and all the other players.

One person who came off looking extra bad? Hope Hicks. One person who, based on the evidence, seems like she may have told some of the slightest, most innocent wee not-so-bad WHITE LIES to Congress about her knowledge of the booby peener porn payoff crimes? Also Hope Hicks!

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler is PISSED. Nadler fired off a letter to Hicks saying, hey, Hopey, here are a shitfuckington of times it looks like you lied to Congress in your recent testimony. Care to come back and clarify, by which we mean this is your chance to come back and tell the truth this time, before we criminally refer you for lying to Congress?

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Congress

Elijah Cummings, AOC Tapdancing On Assholes' Faces Again

Acting Homeland Security secretary Kevin McAleenan, COME ON DOWN!

The House Oversight Committee grilled acting Homeland Security Secretary Kevin McAleenan yesterday about the current strategic incompetence and mistreatment of migrants at the border. McAleenan insisted the Border Patrol was doing the very best it could to deal with increased numbers of border crossers, but parroted the administration line that overcrowding in Customs and Border Protection (CBP) facilities were simply a result of Congress's failure to fund Donald Trump's beautiful dream of detaining all asylum-seekers and their families forever. For some reason, Democrats on the committee weren't buying it!

Americans' frustrations with the cruelty at the border were channeled by Oversight Committee Chair Elijah Cummings (D-Maryland), who reminded McAleenan what moral outrage looks like.

Here's the start of the exchange. Cummings starts off measured, but as he discusses a federal judge's finding that DHS "did a better job of tracking immigrants' personal property than their children" during last year's family separation crisis, he gets more and more pissed off, wondering why the entire administration seems to suffer from a "empathy deficit."

I'm talking about human beings. I'm not talking about people that come from, as the president said, s.h.-holes. These are human beings. Human beings. Just trying to live a better life.

As the questioning continued, Cummings presented the facts: DHS -- and McAleenan, as then-head of CBP -- had lied when it said it kept careful records of all the children taken from their parents. The DHS inspector general documented there was no such database, and the judge in the case repeatedly excoriated the administration for not keeping track of the children.

Eventually, Cummings built to a crescendo of righteous anger over McAleenan's bland assurances that since most of the separated children were eventually reunited with their parents, everything worked out just fine.

"And therefore, I guess — you feel like you're doing a great job right?" Cummings asked. McAleenan started replying that golly, DHS is "doing our level best," but Cummings had had enough:

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Post-Racial America

Ay! What The F*ck Is Going On In Puerto Rico?

Ricardo Rossello, you are GET THE FUCK OUT!

Puerto Rico. A beautiful island of enchantment. A place filled with amazing people, great culture, delicious food, and beautiful vistas. But the island is in a fucking uproar due to the clusterfuck of mismanagement from federal (Trump) to local (Ricardo Rosselló's Cabinet).

Hurricane Maria hit Puerto Rico with a final death count of 2,975, which happens to be the exact number of Americans that died during the September 11 attacks. But while America will "Never Forget" 9/11, unless you're Rand Paul, mismanagement at both the federal and local levels caused those AMERICANS to be largely ignored. While most were (rightly) criticizing Trump for his numerous failures in Puerto Rico, seems Governor Rosselló was doing some undercover dirt.

The Post-Hurricane selfie with Trump really should have been a clue.

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News

​President Tenderhearts So Upset Those People Chanted 'SEND HER BACK,' That's Not Christlike

Bless his woke heart!

Donald Trump is having feelings, you guys. He's just a simple man, trying to go speak the truth to his people about the Mexican rapists and the communist socialist America-haters and the Pocahontases and the Crooked Hillary and the witch hunt and the cancer windmills and the invisible F35 airplanes and the global warming bohonkus lies and the inauguration crowd you could see from the moon which is a part of Mars. But sometimes things get out of hand and the people who come to see you decide to act ugly, chanting "SEND HER BACK!" about a sitting United States congresswoman who came from Mogadishu as a child refugee. Why would they do that? Why would anybody think it's OK to be unkind or, God bless it, racist, in Donald Trump's presence? What gave them the idea he would condone that behavior? They should be ashamed of themselves.

Asked by reporters Thursday why he didn't stop the chant, he responded: "I think I did—I started speaking very quickly." He added: "I was not happy with it—I disagree with it." He also defended his supporters as "people who love our country."

It's true. He went silent and only allowed them to chant the mean thing four or eight or three hundred times, all while nodding admiringly, and then he started delivering his positivity gospel again once they stopped on their own accord. How did these ungrateful white supremacist pig turd people not see that as the disapproving reprimand it so obviously was? It is a mystery wrapped up in a conundrum wrapped up in a Big Mac wrapper wrapped up in a thicket of Yeti Pubes wrapped up in a white hood.

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News

Yep, Michael Cohen Is A Criminal. Sounds Like His Boss And Hope Hicks Are Too!

All of these fuckers should be in prison.

We knew when Michael Cohen pleaded guilty that he had committed his campaign finance crimes (which we will refer to throughout this post as his "booby peener payoffs," because they relate to buying the silence of Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal in order to make their stories go away before the election) at the direction of "Individual-1," AKA Donald Trump. None of that has been a secret. The sitting president of the United States has been named as an unindicted co-crimer in a guilty plea for his former lawyer, who is currently LOCK HER UPPED.

We also got very strange news this week, that the Southern District of New York (SDNY) investigation into the Trump Organization's campaign finance lawbreaking was winding down and would soon be over, probably with no new indictments. And that was weird. It was especially weird because CNN reported that the investigation seemed to go quiet about five months ago, which just happened to be right when Attorney General McCoverUps himself, Bill Barr, was confirmed to his position. Was Barr doing Trump's bidding again and putting his thumb on a valid criminal investigation, in order to protect the president and his crime family?

That's certainly what Trump wanted. When Matthew "Meatball" Whitaker was acting attorney general, it's reported that Trump pressured him to control the SDNY investigation, and that Whitaker told his pals at Justice that SDNY needed "adult supervision." Ha ha! Meatball McPeenerToilet was the adult! And wouldn't you know it, but zing bang boom, the second Barr took the baton, that investigation did indeed go dark. And now it's over!

When we originally saw the warrants that led to Michael Cohen's big fun FBI raids, the parts about the "Illegal Campaign Contribution Scheme" were redacted, in order to protect the ongoing investigation. But now that investigation is over, or at least the part related to Michael Cohen's participation in the booby peener porn payoffs is! This week prosecutors asked Judge William H. Pauley to please keep some of the really good parts redacted, in order to protect "third-party privacy interests." (Of whom, please?) In response, the judge issued an order telling those prosecutors to FUCK OFF. Not only did Pauley tell them to fuck off, he said these documents "are a matter of national importance," and that "it is time that every American has an opportunity to scrutinize the Materials." (Emphasis ours.)

Judge Pauley ordered the warrant documents, including the parts about the "Illegal Campaign Contribution Scheme," to be released by 11:00 AM today, and they are out! They tell quite a story. (It's pages 36 to 57 of that link. Follow along if you'd like!) Cohen is certainly guilty, but from what we can tell, "Individual-1" is certainly also very guilty. Also, Hope Hicks, you have been BAD, by which we mean you have been GUILTY and it sure does LOOK LIKE you lied to Congress. Meanwhile, Michael Cohen is the only one sitting in prison for any of these crimes.

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