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Nice Time

Some Thoughts On The Things We Haven't Read, But Know About Anyway

Culture, Bugs Bunny, and the impossibility of keeping up. Also some cats.

Sunday already, which means a substantial portion of US America is preparing to be astonished/heartbroken/outraged by the series finale of that show with the dragons, while another portion is just going to stay off Twitter for three days because nothing will make any sense. Yr Dok Zoom tends to come very late to trendy things, so get ready for our own thoughts on the gamy thrones show sometime in about 2023, or never. But we'd be glad to tell you just how much we enjoy the brilliance and humanity of the Cartoon Network series "Steven Universe," which debuted in 2013 and we started bingeing on the Hulu last month, late again.

Hell, we still want to talk about that one Mrs Landingham episode of "The West Wing," which we first watched years after it aired (We finally bought our new used car yesterday, and know one thing: don't drive over to the White House to show it off to President Bartlet). We might even get around to reading Infinite Jest someday. We hear it has something to do with a superhero team and a guy named Thanos. So hey, let's talk about culture and missing out and patching together some knowledge of what's happening anyway.

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Environment

Meet The Lady Doctor Who Has BLINDED Us With SCIENCE!

You're gonna want to take a minute with this one.

Yr Dok Zoom had just finished up his piece on Donald Trump's latest Fox News nominee when Yr Editrix had an important message for him! "Uh oh, Dok, you are wrong!"

Well, here at Wonkette, we just HATE being wrong, so we looked at the email Rebecca had pasted right there in the Wonkette Sekrit Chatcave, and blue blistering barnacles, she was right! I had wasted most of yesterday afternoon preparing this morning's long post about Jay Inslee's climate plan for absolutely nothing. While the email wasn't actually about that post, it arrived on the same day, so there's a message, all right.

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White House

Trump's New ICE Chief Can Spot Future Gang Members With His X-Ray Eyes

Fox News nominates another member to the Trump administration.

Donald Trump has picked yet another talker from Fox News for a top administration job, proving once again that knowing things is not nearly as important as being on TV. On May 5, Trump announced he was nominating Mark Morgan, who briefly served as the head of Border Patrol in the closing months of the Obama administration, to be the new head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Morgan replaced Trump's previous nominee, Ron Vitiello, who was shitcanned for not being "tough" enough. It was a bit of a surprise that Trump didn't go with Matthew Albence, the guy he'd picked to replace Vitiello as acting head of ICE, but perhaps advisors thought Albence might face confirmation trouble over his 2018 statement to Congress that government baby jails were a lot like "summer camps" Thank goodness there's no such public record of insane comments to get Mark Morgan in trouble!

You know, other than in some of the 80 times since January Morgan has been on Fox News to defend Trump's immigration policies as the wisest, smartest ideas ever, including a January 14 visit with Tucker Carlson in which Morgan claimed he could simply look at immigrant kids and predict which ones would become gangbangers (all of them, Tucker).

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2020 presidential election

Jay Inslee Has A Climate Plan And It's A DAMN WHOPPER

Green Dreams are made of this. Who are we to disagree?

Washington governor and 2020 presidential candidate Jay Inslee has just published his comprehensive climate policy plan, a whopper of a proposal to restructure the US economy to reach net zero carbon emissions by 2030 and create millions of new jobs in the process. It's a doozy, at 15,000 words, but wow, even if he's not on the 2020 Dem ticket, could the nominee please promise to appoint Inslee as climate czar? The proposal, called the "Evergreen Economy Plan," invokes the New Deal, and is green AF, but doesn't actually use the phrase "Green New Deal," even though it overlaps a whole hell of a lot with the general GND framework. We shall Wonksplain, but first, let's get one thing very clear: Jay Inslee will not outlaw cows.

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Immigrants

Donald Trump Keeps Changing WALL Design, Wants Spikes, Killer Bees

Paint It Black.

Donald Trump is not a man who thinks a lot about most matters of state. He doesn't know or care about the stupid details of little things like health care, diplomacy, or how tariffs actually work -- he keeps insisting that China pays them, not US importers. But the Washington Post reports there's one thing he really loves thinking about, in great detail: his big beautiful WALL, which he obsesses over like a creepy version of a little boy planning out his dream model train set. (Maybe a train to Dachau!) Trump keeps calling in officials tasked with building his dream and haranguing them about all sorts of details that he hopes will make WALL as cruel as possible -- as a deterrent to illegal border crossers, you know.

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Healthcare

Do You LOVE THE LITTLE BABIES? How About The Moms? Lauren Underwood Forms Black Maternal Health Caucus

Looks like we've got a frontrunner for Legislative Badass of the Year!

In another prong of what's clearly a bid to win Wonkette's coveted Legislative Badass of the Year award, Rep. Lauren Underwood, the freshman Democratic congresswoman from Illinois, has taken a major step toward addressing what might be America's most horrifying public health crisis. Deaths from pregnancy complications for black women occur at four times the rate among white mothers, which is why, in April, Underwood launched a new congressional group, the Black Maternal Health Caucus, to focus attention and legislative action on the problem. Her co-chair in the caucus is Rep. Alma Adams (D-North Carolina); the two also introduced a resolution to declare a second annual Black Maternal Health Week.

The issue is a personal one for Underwood. In 2017, she lost a close friend, Dr. Shalon Irving, who died just three weeks after giving birth, at the age of 36. Irving was an epidemiologist for the Centers for Disease Control whose death was featured in a major ProPublica/NPR report. She had studied the Third-World level of healthcare faced by many women right here in America; her death proved that the culprits you might assume -- poverty and lack of access to care -- didn't matter. It could happen to the woman whose profession it was to study it. It's damned unhealthy just to exist as a black woman in the Greatest Nation On Earth.

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2020 presidential election

A Nice Letter To Steve Bullock From Wonkette That Isn't At All A Trick

Come in, Steve Bullock, read this, we are nice!

Hi Steve Bullock! I know you are busy "running" around, making terrible amateur wind-whistled youtubes and going on Maddow. (I even watched! It wasn't very exciting.) You might not read this. It's cool. Wonkette's already written about your run for president twice: once much nicer than I would have been, and one probably about the right amount of mean. But we hadn't written to you personally, as your constituent. Here's how a Wonkette reader put it in a note to me:

I'm not happy that your governor is running for president, since too many people are doing that. Please tell him to stop. If he won't listen to you, to whom will he listen? You're a small business owner, a farmer's wife, and you have a growing army of bees at your disposal. In Montana, that seems like the trifecta, as a small businesswoman with a husband who farms beeeeeeeees!

That's right, Steve Bullock: beeeeeeeeees!

It's quite possible your advisors might not have pointed out to you that every time you tweet, every response is making witty replies that 100 percent of the time tell you you should be "running" for Senate instead. It's kind of late now, but here's the thing:

YOU SELFISH EGOMANIAC SON OF A BITCH. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT FUCKING SOON ALTHOUGH TO SAVE FACE IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE RIGHT NOW. MEN ARE VERY FRAGILE I GET IT I KNOW.

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Immigrants

President Taco Bowls Wants To Give Mexicans A Civics Test To Enter America

The best Mexicans are from Norway.

Donald Trump is expected to unveil his son-in-law's beautiful new plan to remake legal immigration in a speech this afternoon. The "merit based" immigration proposal isn't expected to actually get passed by Congress, but is more of a thing Republicans can point to and say, "See? We are common Elizabeth Warrens!" But Jared worked very hard on it, with lots of help from that nice Stephen Miller, and Trump told Jared he loves it. So it's a very good, very serious plan that Rs can rally around and accuse Democrats of refusing to support, which is the only thing that matters. And that is what counts for serious governance these days.

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News

UH OH, BILL BARR GOT #JOKES

'Madam Speaker ... DID YOU BRING YOUR HANDCUFFS?'

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Attorney General CoverUp McJokes got some jokes!

Attorney General William Barr tried out a little contempt humor on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, with interesting results.

He's been working on it, for his stand-up set.

The setting was the National Peace Officers Memorial Day service Wednesday at the U.S. Capitol. Barr and Pelosi were in the crowd waiting for President Donald Trump to arrive.

Barr approached Pelosi, shook her hand and said loud enough to be overheard, "Madam Speaker, did you bring your handcuffs?"

Who knew he was into that kind of thing? Oh well, even attorneys general who do cover-ups for criminal presidents gotta get their rocks off, and who are we to judge!

That's a reference to Barr's refusal to comply with congressional subpoenas related to special counsel Robert Mueller's report.

Yes, Associated Press, we got it.

A smiling Pelosi let Barr know the House Sergeant at Arms was present at the ceremony, should any arrest be necessary, according to a person who witnessed the exchange and described it on the condition of anonymity.

DAMN.

We think Pelosi won that round, don't you think?

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2020 presidential election

Miss Warren And Miss Harris, If You're Nasty!

Hello LADIES.

Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren just keep making us love them more and more, what with being terrible mean nasty women, the way all good Americans should be. Yr Wonkette is ready for a Warren/Harris or Harris/Warren ticket RIGHT GODDAMN NOW, please and thank you!

Oh, we suppose you want to know what they did, huh? Well, fine, though really if you all just paid closer attention we wouldn't have to spell it out for you. But then we wouldn't be paid to write political fart noises, either, so you just keep not having already heard stuff, OK?

For starters, Kamala Harris had this perfect reply to Daily Mail reporter Emily Goodin, when Goodin asked whether Harris was tired of being talked about as a great VP choice:

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News

Yes, Children, Trump's Legal Strategy Really IS That Stupid

Knock you over with a feather!

No sooner had we published our second-to-last piece, on Adam Schiff's House Intelligence Committee requesting documents from Trump lawyers and lawyers representing Trump's fucked up family, than the White House had fired off yet another letter, this time to House Judiciary Committee Chair Jerry Nadler, telling him to take all his investigations and fuck right off.

Not only does White House Counsel Pat Cipollone -- yet another real lawyer who's decided his own professional reputation can fuck right off, because everything Donald Trump touches turns into a gaping hole of sadness and failure -- write that Judiciary doesn't have the right to investigate Trump's crimes, because its investigation is "duplicative" of what Robert Mueller investigated, and laughably assert that Mueller's investigation cleared Trump of all Russian and obstruction crimes based on the legal standard of "Because Bill Barr Said So," Cipollone also asserts something we've heard approximately 1,000 times in the last 24 hours. (Emphasis ours in all forthcoming block quotes.)

Lost in the Committee's legally indefensible rush to recommend a contempt citation is the reality that the Committee has not articulated any proper legislative purpose for pursuing inquiries that duplicate matters that were the subject of the Special Counsel's inquiry. Congressional investigations are intended to obtain information to aid in evaluating potential legislation, not to harass political opponents or to pursue an unauthorized "do-over" of exhaustive law enforcement investigations conducted by the Department of Justice.

Under the circumstances, the appropriate course is for the Committee to discontinue the inquiry discussed in the March 4 letter.

LOLOLOLOLOL, what lawyerly bluster for a letter full of such dogshit! (Worth noting that Jerry Nadler's reaction was approximately the same, though he said it nicer.)

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Guns

How Is Awful Kid In Alaska Different From Coast Guard Terrorist Guy?

No, really, please let us know.

A federal judge in Anchorage, Alaska, has decided to keep a 19-year-old in detention after prosecutors presented evidence that the lad may have been intending to commit an act of mass murder. Michael Graves is charged with buying and building illegal weapons, and an FBI agent testified Graves had posted numerous comments to social media calling for violence against minorities and referring to stockpiling guns and ammunition. But wait, how is this all that difference from Christopher Hasson, that Coast Guard Nazi guy who stockpiled weapons, and beyond that, wrote about wanting to commit mass violence to bring about a white homeland, and even had a target list of enemies he wanted to shoot? Another federal judge said that was disturbing and all, but planned to let Hasson out on bail because federal prosecutors never charged him with anything more serious than drug and gun possession crimes, never mind a court document asserting he was a domestic terrorist. (Domestic terrorism is not a "crime.") Fortunately, a higher court ruled Monday that Hasson will remain in jail until his trial, too.

No, we're not arguing Michael Graves should be released. Just that there seems to be a hell of a lot more evidence that Hasson had violent intentions and how the hell could any judge have even considered freeing him?

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Russia

Adam Schiff Just Saying Trump's Lawyers Better GET A LAWYER

Oh, they have them already? Ahead of the game!

Over the course of the Trump administration, a running theme has been that it's very hard to find real lawyers willing to represent America's Shittiest Client. He lies to them, he doesn't pay them, he doesn't do what they say, and as we saw yesterday in the courtroom of DC District Court Judge Amit Mehta, they have to make the silliest arguments, the kind that would have gotten them laughed out of their law school classrooms. But a few real lawyers have signed up for the task, and pretty much every one of those real lawyers has ended up doing untold damage to their professional reputations in the process.

We'd feel sorry for them, but that's not how our heart works.

On that note, some of those lawyers might just get to be the latest invitees to the House Democrats' subpoena party, because some of those lawyers may have, knowingly or not, helped Trump commit crimes just a tiny, as anybody in his orbit is apparently expected to do.

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WARBLOGGING

War With Iran? Who Knows?

Oh, what a lovely war!

Looks like John Bolton may get that war with Iran he's always wanted! Ever since he was a little wee mustache in the George W. Bush administration, Bolton has wanted a war with Iran like some little girls want a pony. And now that he's Donald Trump's national security adviser, well by golly, it's time, especially now that troublesome peacenik hippies like Jim Mattis and HR McMaster are gone. (Generals are such pussies!) So how close to a shooting war in Iran are we? That's the wonderful thing about foreign policy in the Trump era -- we may not know until the bombs start falling! Depends who the guests on Fox News are over the next few days.

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popular

Mel Gibson Wants To Play A Conniving, Jewish Patriarch ... LOL, GET IT?

Five Dollar Feminist is MAD ABOUT A THING.

Hey, Sugartits, wanna see a movie? It's about a family of Jewish bankers named Rothchild. No, not "Rothschild" like the prominent Jewish family featured in anti-Semitic conspiracy theories for literally hundreds of years now. This is totally different -- there's no "S." And these Rothchilds don't even have horns.

Oh, come on, it'll be fun! It stars Shia LeBeouf as the wayward son who murders all his relatives to get his hands on the family fortune. And that guy used to be Jewish, so you know he'll just nail it. And if he needs an expert, Mel Gibson will be on hand to tell him what Jews are really like. You know, like, how "the fucking Jews start all the wars" and we killed Jesus and made up the Holocaust. Just in case young Shia needs help getting into character. Gibson will play the sinister, old Jewish patriarch Whitelaw Rothchild.

Now I know what you're thinking, but Mel Gibson's publicist has assured the Daily Beast that this is in no wise a thinly veiled depiction of an actual, living Jewish family starring a guy who believes that Jews secretly control the world and start wars to enrich ourselves.

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Courts

Alabama Goes And Decides To Force Victims To Carry Their Rapist's Babies After All

Twenty-five white dudes decide this is in fact a great idea.

Remember yesterday, when we ran an article, an article that I wrote about how maybe some of Alabama's Republican male legislators were having second thoughts about forcing rape victims to carry their rapist's babies, and thought that maybe there ought to be some exceptions in their new law outlawing abortion?

HAHA, just kidding. While four white male Republican legislators, Del Marsh, Cam Ward, Andrew Jones, and Jim McClendon, voted for the amendment allowing exceptions, they were outnumbered by all the other white male Republicans who opposed the exceptions. Then, when it came time to pass the bill as is, all four joined their fellow white male Republicans in voting to pass it. No Democrats—and, perhaps more notably, no women—voted in favor of the bill. Two of the 27 Republicans in the senate abstained from voting.

So HB 314 passed 25-6. The bill, unlike the bills being passed in other states, outlaws all abortions, not just those after six weeks. The only exception is if it's a situation where the mother will definitely die from having the baby. While those who seek abortion will not be charged with a crime, a doctor performing an abortion could get up to 99 years in prison—more years than a rapist would get in most situations.

State Sen. Clyde Chambliss, one of the major proponents of this bill, was eager to demonstrate the depth of his knowledge of the female reproductive system during the hearing, explaining that abortion will still be legal for those who do not yet know they are pregnant.

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