Mike Huckabee Brings The Sex
And a longing for the sweet release of death.
If you're the sort of reader who enjoys the comedic Twitter Stylings of Mike Huckabee, you'll be delighted that some guy on Twitter called attention this week to the hilariously funny content on Huckabee's talk show on cable backwater TBN, gilded-toilet home of the Crouches. It's just like reading the failed presidential candidate's Twitter feed for an hour, only with a house band.
Huckabee's show has been around since 2017, but we only watched the current episode thanks to the thread from some socialist calling himself "Endless Bummer," in which we're treated to some prime examples of great bland comedy. So of course we watched a recent full episode of the show for the week of January 12, 2019, although the look and feel is more late-night chat from 1992.
Huckabee kicked off with a touching, sincere monologue about how most Americans are nice people wanting to go good, and isn't it sad too many of us get caught up in politics and partisanship? Then Huck -- please, call him Huck! -- moved to his desk and condemned crazy Democrats for wanting to impeach a duly elected president over nothing. Nobody seemed to notice the instant shift in tone, because why would they? He interviewed Alan Dershowitz, who's flogging a book about how impeachment might actually be illegal. Weirdly, the split-screen parts of the remote interview were framed over a looping video of clouds rolling by, as if Huck and Dershowitz were at 35,000 feet.
THOUSANDS More Kids Were Taken From Parents Than U.S. Admitted. So, Um, Good Job?
Jesus Christ these people.
With the government shut down for the sake of Donald Trump's wet dream WALL, it only makes sense we'd get another reminder of just HOW GOOD Team Trump is at cruelty toward undocumented migrants. The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) yesterday released a report by its Inspector General, finding that oops, actually the number of children taken from their parents at the border is probably thousands more than the government originally counted. And no, nobody has a very clear idea of whether they were actually reunited, because the only court case demanding family reunification didn't include families separated prior to the official "Zero Tolerance" policy. Look, they BROKE THE LAW, so Jesus said America could do whatever it wants to them.
Trump To Pelosi: I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT IF I STEP ON MY OWN DICK AND EAT IT AT THE SAME TIME?
Well played, Trump! Or, you know, the opposite of that.
Moments after we published our last piece, on how Nancy Pelosi is the true boss of President Whiny Ass Titty Baby, and how she utterly shivved him when she canceled his State of the Union address, Trump finally responded. We knew he would, because he is a thin-skinned manchild whose entire self is crushed by every perceived slight, but we never knew how pathetic his response would be.
Pelosi had been scheduled to leave this afternoon on a overseas CODEL (congressional delegation) to Afghanistan, a trip that was supposed to be a secret, because all trips like that are supposed to be a secret, especially when you're dealing with the person second in line to the presidency flying into war zones. Trump might know this, because he secretly went to Iraq over Christmas during the shutdown, after he was shamed into it, and he complained about how dark it was on Air Force One, because they had to keep it dark for security reasons.
But now Trump has CANCELED NANCY PELOSI'S TRIP, because TAKE THAT, NANCY. And to show just what a dick he is, Trump canceled the trip after the bus carrying the delegation, which also included Reps. Adam Schiff, Mark Takano, Stephen Lynch and others, had already left for the airport.
Trump Grappling With Painful Realization That Nancy Pelosi Is His Real Dad
Vladimir Putin, you've been replaced! Haha just kidding, no you haven't.
Donald Trump is super chill right now, you guys. That's what the White House is telling us. He's cool and calm and collected over how he's losing his WALL fight, and hard, and he's totally easy breezy about Nancy Pelosi canceling his State of the Union lie-fest, just light as a feather, it's like Folgers in his cup and he can't believe it's not butter and
"Countrty."
Anything else?
There it is. Is Schumer groveling? Not that we can tell. But Trump isn't all that scared of Schumer, so let's all project our pant-shitting rage fear on to him!
Trump is scared of Nancy Pelosi, though. Oh damn, he is terrified, and he's got all kinds of excuses for why he's not attacking her, all of which are intended to deflect from how he hasn't quite processed yet that Nancy Pelosi is the boss of him (JUST LIKE WE SAID SHE WOULD BE).
A woman? THE BOSS OF HIM? The fuck you say!
RUDY GIULIANI NEVER SAID NO COLLUSION, YOU SAID NO COLLUSION, YOU STINKIN' LIAR!
The president's finest lawyer, ladies and gentle-ladies.
HEY, KIDS! It's time to play a game! It's called "Is Rudy Giuliani Having A Psychotic Break Or Did He Just Say That Thing Because Something Is For Real About To Happen?"
Time's up, we think the answer just might be BOTH.
Giuliani went on the Chris Cuomo CNN Cat Video TV Time Hour and said ...
Guess Which Grifty Assholes Are Joining That Grifty 'GoFundMe' Wall Guy?
Hint, it is all your favorites at once!
Somewhere in your muddled recollection of the recent Sacred Baby Day holiday, you may remember some grifty dipshit who started a GoFundMe to raise money to give Donald Trump for WALL. The campaign raised about $20 million, proving that PT Barnum may have badly underestimated the birth rate of suckers. Unfortunately for the campaign's organizer, Brian Kolfage, the federal government doesn't actually have any mechanism for accepting donations earmarked for anything, because the socialists in Congress insist on "budgets" and "appropriations" and taxes." The only government program that takes donations is the website to pay down the national debt. (Hey, a government website that's still up!) Yeah, we know you wanted to contribute an F-35 to your favorite Air Force squadron, but tough luck.
Once it was clear the funds couldn't go to the campaign's intended purpose, Kolfage announced he'd started a nonprofit group that would build its own wall "on private land" along the border, and that the donations would all go to that. But GoFundMe kind of noticed, and announced that the change in purpose (and falling short of the original one billion dollar goal) meant all the donations would be refunded unless donors specifically gave Kolfage permission to divert them to the new nonprofit.
Well by gosh, Brian Kolfage must be one trustworthy guy, because he says a whole bunch of people still want him to build Donald Trump's wall! And some of them are faaaamous!
Wait, Is Putin Getting Paid During The Trump Shutdown? THE F*CK?
This post is actually about Senator Richard Burr.
We had been wondering how GOP Senator Richard Burr was going to be in this era of divided government. He's the head of the Senate Intelligence Committee, and during the first two years of the Trump presidency, he seemed to take pride in the fact that the Senate was the All Growned Up body of Congress, and that his intelligence committee wasn't running around mouthfucking cows on the White House lawn like Devin Nunes's House Intelligence Committee. Burr seemed to care about doing a real investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election, and despite his status as a Republican, he seemed to be willing to accept it if that investigation led him directly up Donald Trump's butt.
Well, today we have our answer about how Burr's going to be, and it's that he's definitely ended up inside Trump's ass, but he's apparently there to take a nice nap, and not to look for Russians. First he voted to un-sanction Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska's companies, because after all, Russia has been very good and who is Richard Burr to say America shouldn't exist purely as a Kremlin satellite in this age of President Russian Asset?
Then a reporter asked Burr if he's interested in getting his hands on the interpreter's notes from Trump's secret tête-à -têtes with Vladimir Putin, the notes Trump has literally confiscated and hidden from his aides, now that we are more sure than ever that President Russian Asset is a literal actual total fucking Russian intelligence asset.
NAH! And Burr's reasoning is adorably stupid:
Hey, Anybody Using This NATO? Mind If Trump Tidies It Up?
Weird, Trump's decluttering spree is just like Putin's!
Donald Trump has a lot of stupid, deeply held beliefs, like the idea that he's a good negotiator, his certainty that the Central Park Five were guilty (even after they were exonerated by DNA), and his suspicion that everyone is secretly laughing at him (they are, but the mockery's right out in the open). Among his highly stable beliefs is that every other country in the world is taking advantage of the USA, especially when it comes to our military alliances (our enemies he loves for their toughness). So it's really no surprise that Trump has always distrusted NATO, but the New York Times reported Monday night just how deeply -- and possibly catastrophically -- that belief goes. According to "senior administration officials," Trump repeatedly told his national security aides in 2018 he wanted to just plain pull the US out of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization altogether, because he is A Idiot.
What Time Is The State Of The Union? Never, Because Nancy Pelosi Just Canceled Trump
Dear Mr. President, get the fuck outta my house. Love, Nancy.
Nancy Pelosi kicked some fresh Trump ass this morning when she wrote a letter to Donald Trump letting him know he's no longer invited to deliver his State of the Union address to Congress on January 29. This is a great loss for all Americans who giggle when Trump mispronounces words that are simple for even the most remedial second graders.
For those of us who are bored with that bullshit at this point, guess what we don't have to do on January 29?
Everyone Ran For President Last Night. OK, Just Kirsten Gillibrand.
All but three Dem members of Senate now in 2020 race.
Yesterday, it was looking like about 42 Democrats were going to announce a presidential run, but despite rumblings of candidacies from Sherrod Brown and Amy Klobuchar, only Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand took the actual plunge (no actual plunging was involved).
Gillibrand, the junior US senator from New York, went on the "Late Show With Stephen Colbert" last night to announce she's running (or forming an exploratory committee, which really, same thing, but that's how it is done). Gillibrand is fresh off winning reelection to the Senate, and likes to point out that she has voted against confirmation of Trump appointees more than anyone. Also, as she agreed when Colbert asked her, she likes to cuss, which makes her dear to the heart of Yr Wonkette.
William Barr Confirmation Hearing Wrap-Up: At Least He's Better Than The Dumbf*ck We Have Right Now!
That's not saying a lot.
Today, the Senate Judiciary Committee is meeting to hear from witnesses on the character of William Barr, Trump's nominee to be his next former attorney general. Hopefully, he will be the last one too, serving until the end of Trump's presidency, which at this rate should be over by next week.
Tuesday's confirmation hearings were interesting. The man knows the right answers, and if you were just listening casually, you probably heard a guy who says he's not going to screw with the Robert Mueller investigation, and maybe he won't. They are friends, after all, and Barr says he has mad respect for his bro. Barr said that if Trump ordered him to change the special counsel regulations or fire Robert Mueller without cause, he would resign rather than carry out the order. He also said he can't possibly imagine what his good friend Bobby could possibly do that would warrant that.
Barr told the committee that he is very old and that he didn't want this job in the first place, and that he was looking forward to spending some time with his wife like a couple of retired old people, which we imagine involves seducing her at the Cracker Barrel country-biscuit-style during the Early Bird special. (It is obviously that.)
But at the same time, Barr was full of weasel words about the Mueller investigation and also about everything else.
Black Farmers Not Interested In Serving In Trump's Trade War
White farmers mostly okay with it.
Months ago, we brought you the story of those intrepid soybean farmers who steadfastly cling to their support for Trump. Some of these men were even willing to die for Trump's bullshit; this is how insane America is right now. These men are also the most important people in the nation, besides the coal miners, and the MAGA people who feel marginalized by coworkers speaking Spanish, so it is very important that we keep tabs on them. Last time we saw them, they were still supporting Trump, even though their soybeans were rotting in the fields due to high storage prices and retaliatory tariffs. Things were already rough for them, and they were in desperate need of those promised payments from the federal government, but instead Trump ate their faces off, and it was "sad."
This week, that obstinate orange foolius is up to his old trick of lying to the only people who believe him these days; he attended the 100th annual convention of the American Farm Bureau Federation. He went there to whine about his stupid wall, not to help the farmers, so you were probably fooled by that but good.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Does Twitter Real Good Again, So That's A Surprise!
Teach your children class warfare.
Now that he's no longer weighed down by the burdens of running a state into the ground, former Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (isn't that a fun phrase?) is trying his hand at Twitter punditry. And if he keeps at it, he has the potential to be the next Mike Huckabee! Here's former Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (just rolls off the tongue!) lying about how taxes work to a hypothetical class of little children. (As best we can tell, he didn't actually visit any schools this week, so real children are safe.)
Of course, that's not how marginal tax rates work, and never was, even before Ronald Reagan. Back in the 1950s, when the top marginal rate was 91 percent, it didn't apply to all income, but rather only to income over $200,000 a year -- the equivalent of about $2 million today, and not that many people actually paid it.
Now, despite Walker's invocation of Reagan, it's clear he's actually lying about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's proposal to set the top marginal rate at 70 percent. We happen to have AOC right here. And former Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker knows nothing of her work.
Donald Trump Just Sellin' Millions In Real Estate To ... Untraceable LLCs? Cool Cool!
It's not like he could be swayed by a few million bucks. Man can buy all the hamberders he wants.
Forbes magazine continues picking on poor Donald Trump with yet another piece on how President Griftypants continues to make money off his real estate fiefdom ("empire" is too grand a word) despite pretending he'd turned the business over to his idiot sons. This time, it's a careful look at Donald Trump's roughly $35 million in profits from the sale of various properties in 2018. And wouldn't you know it, a chunk of those deals involved selling Las Vegas apartments to buyers whose identities were hidden behind limited liability companies (LLCs), which may not technically violate the law, but isn't exactly what anyone would call "transparent." OK, not what anyone outside Trumpworld would call "transparent."
Forbes did the analysis by looking at Trump's mandatory federal financial filings and local property records. And while the magazine didn't turn up anything illegal, there were a few deals that had at least a whiff of potential impropriety, but only if you're, like, suspicious of the most honest man ever to hold the office of President.
For instance, there's this little bitty deal that involved the federal government having to approve the transaction:
Mick Mulvaney Took An Old Man's Money For 'Land Deal' Too? Just The One?
By Trump standards he's practically a choir boy!
Donald Trump's budget director, acting chief of staff, former acting CFPB director, and general taker-of-shitty-jobs-Jared-doesn't-want Mick Mulvaney is maybe in some hot water, or would be if Team Trump hadn't scissored "ethics" out of all White House guidelines. You see, the Washington Post published a great big exposé yesterday about some shady maneuvers by Mulvaney, following a South Carolina land deal that went south (as it were) over a decade ago. As with virtually all real estate fuckery, it's a bit complex, but the upshot is that it sure looks like companies owned by Mulvaney made some very creative moves to avoid paying back an old man whose family firm loaned Mulvaney $1.4 million, a debt that, with interest, now amounts to $2.5 million.
Oh, and then Mulvaney allegedly misled the Senate about the debt during his 2017 confirmation hearings, claiming the issue was all in the past and not disputed. Funny thing! The guy who made the loan was and is still very much suing Mulvaney in South Carolina.
California Utility PG & E On Road To Nowhere After Burning Down The House
They can't seem to face up to the facts.
California's biggest investor-owned utility, Pacific Gas and Electric, is fixing to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy after starting a whole bunch of the wildfires that plagued the state in 2017 and 2018, the company announced yesterday. PG&E announced it's seeking bankruptcy to protect itself from more than $30 billion in lawsuits filed over the fires, which killed scores of people as well as burning down thousands of homes and businesses. The fires also caused disastrous erosion of Donald Trump's already-failing brain.
The actual bankruptcy filing won't happen until near the end of the month, but PG&E filed notice of its plans Monday with the Securities and Exchange Commission. A new California law requires the company to give employees 15 days advance notice of any Chapter 11 filing. And no, those fires weren't caused by inadequate forest raking:
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