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Aunt Lydia Announces John Brennan Shall Be PUNISHED!

Wonkette thanks Michelle Wolf in advance for letting us briefly borrow that joke. Thank you, Michelle Wolf!

Well, they actually did it! We guess the Trump White House wants to change the subject from Omarosa or how Donald Trump probably says the "N-word" all the fucking time, so Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced today that former CIA director John Brennan is GUILTY! of hurting Donald Trump's feelings, therefore they shall taketh away his security clearance! AND NO QUESTIONS ABOUT OMAROSA WERE ASKED!

We didn't think they'd actually follow through on their threat, but we guess this week is just that shitty, so hey, let's punish political enemies and slide a bit further down Donald Trump's path of destroying the United States of America with authoritarianism.

In announcing Brennan's punishment, Sarah Huckabee Sanders read a statement from President Russian Intelligence Asset citing Brennan's (nonexistent) "erratic conduct and behavior" and "frenzied commentary," and added (in so many words) that it is just unfair for people to have access to classified information if they refuse to kiss Donald Trump's scabby taint:

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Russia

'Prepare To Die Cock Sucker' Just Roger Stone's Way Of Saying 'Sorry You Have Ball Cancer, Old Buddy!'

Roger Stone probably shouldn't make any long-term plans.

We need to update you on the predicament of Roger Stone, even though we damn near break out into hives every time we have to look at his incorrectly shaped head, because it seems like special counsel Robert Mueller is getting closer ... closer ... closer ... closer ...

Anyway!

Stone hasn't been indicted in connection to the investigation into the Trump campaign's conspiracies with Russia. Mueller hasn't even talked to him. (They don't usually talk to targets.) But Stone's public behavior lately suggests he might be going a li'l bit unhinged as he waits for the feds to show up and put a bag over his gross pee-colored hair (just so they don't have to look at him) and then arrest him. For instance, who among us hasn't posted the picture above on Instagram, of ourselves dressed up as Space Force Trump Nazis? And then deletes it? Oh, just Roger Stone does that? And deletes it? Well OK then.

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Russia

This Omarosa Bullshit Might Be Getting Somewhere!

TAPES, OMAROSA, LORDY WE NEED MORE TAPES.

It's still Omarosa week! Aren't you glad it's still Omarosa week and that we still get to talk about Omarosa a lot more????

No?

OK, us neither. There are a couple things we need to point out though. One is that the Trump campaign's lawsuit against Omarosa for breaking the terms of an unenforceable nondisclosure agreement is HORSESHIT. We'll lawsplain that at you later today. Another is that it really is super fucked up, and entirely expected, that Trump called Omarosa a "dog." He probably wanted to call her a bitch and thinks he behaved himself by using the word "dog." Sarah Huckabee Sanders cannot guarantee we will never hear the president on tape using the N-word, because she absolutely knows it almost 100% certainly happened.

Those are some things about our current Week Of Omarosa.

But wait, here's another thing!

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2018 State and Local Elections

FEEL THE PAWMENTUM! Everything You Need To Know About Last Night's Primaries

Dems do diversity, Minnesota Rs reject comeback by Tim Pawlenzzzzzzzzzz

There were a whole bunch of primaries yesterday, and it was a good night for Democrats of diverse backgrounds, with a whole bunch of firsts in the results. On the Republican side, former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty failed in his attempt to return to office because he doesn't love Trump enough, and a bunch of other assholes won nomination too, including, no surprise, Scott Walker for re-election. We shall primarysplore!

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Culture

Fox News Ruining Shakespeare Now, By A Doctor Of Rhetoric

Blow, winds, and crack your tweets!

In response to a campaign by newspapers to print editorials condemning Donald Trump's attacks on the press, "Fox & Friends" offered radio talker Howie Carr, whom Trump supporters can enjoy without even knowing how to read, the chance Monday to stand up to all the bullies in the media, on behalf of poor misunderstood Donald Trump. Unfortunately, Carr decided to show off his own half-vast learning, throwing in a little Shakespeare for good measure (but not for measure). It didn't go so good, because Carr isn't exactly the sharpest tooth in the serpent's mouth, know what we mean?

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Elections

Lordy, There Are Tapes! Wonkagenda for Wed., Aug. 15, 2018

Paul Manafort might be going to jail, Omarosa keeps talking, and Democrats get diverse. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Russia

Little Rascals Hack Voting Machines Like A Bunch Of Crazy Ivans

They can also get the dirty channels the Boob Tube.

While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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Russia

Trump's New Lie About Russian Treason Meeting Allows For Possibility Trump Jr. Is Massive Fuckup

THE FUCK YOU SAY!

Want your latest Omarosa scoop? FUCK YOU, THIS IS A SERIOUS WEBSITE.

OK fine, it is that according to her new book, Donald "Daddy" Trump was really fucking pissed last year when his idiot son Donald "Unfortunately Shaped Offspring" Trump took it upon himself to tweet out the email chain that led to his Trump Tower Russian Treason Meeting. And after Daddy had worked so hard dictating a lie statement about that meeting on Air Force One, to cover everybody's ass! Ungrateful little shit.

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Post-Racial America

Stephen Miller, America's Last Bastion Against Humanity

You know WHO ELSE abandoned refugees? Oh, yeah, it was America, in 1939.

Did you read that amazing essay from Stephen Miller's uncle about why young Stephen is a hypocrite and a traitor to his very family's heritage? Please read that. We'll wait.

OK, let's move on.

Vanity Fair brings us a good infuriating read on Stephen Miller's successful stealth campaign to gut US refugee policy in the first two years of the Trump administration. Unlike Steve Bannon, who lived for upsetting the libs, Miller is a somewhat more subtle thug. Sure, he was clearly a driving force behind Trump policies like family separation and moves to denaturalize citizens whenever possible, but as Vanity Fair's Abigail Tracy reports, Miller has also been very busy building rot into what had been a robust system that aided refugees -- and he's managed in remarkably short time to not just strangle refugee resettlement in the US, he's also put people in place to undermine our involvement in international refugee policy. America is first, so the lives of tens of millions of refugees are, by necessity, no longer of concern. Let them die someplace else, OK?

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Guns

DHS Will Stop School Shootings By Teaching Kids Bleeding Is FUNdamental!

Triage 4 Teenz!

The Trump Administration is finally doing something about school shootings! Nope, nothing to keep guns out of the hands of people bent on killing as many people as quickly as possible, that would be tyranny. But Homeland Security, in a move that ought to make Rick Santorum proud, will be awarding a $1.8 million grant to teach high school kids how to control massive bleeding. As part of overall first-aid training like CPR, it's not a horrible idea. We're just not sure the My First Sucking Chest Wound textbooks are age appropriate.

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Guns

Florida Creep Actually Charged For Allegedly Rage-Murdering Black Guy, Can You Believe It?

Or maybe they'll slap him on the wrist because he was 'standing his ground.' One of the two!

Michael Drejka, the guy who shot and killed Markeis McGlockton in front of McGlockton's girlfriend and children in a Clearwater, Florida, convenience store parking lot, was finally arrested and charged with manslaughter Monday. Drejka had initially been turned loose after the local sheriff decided the shooting was legal under Florida's "stand your ground" law, AKA the Open Season on Black People Act. Now that charges have been filed against Drejka, get ready for rightwing media to declare him a brave avatar of self-defense, because after all, McGlockton shoved him, so he feared for his life, don't you know.

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Post-Racial America

Trump Prefers Defense Bills That Weren't Captured. Wonkagenda For Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Prosecution rests in Manafort case, Stephen Miller somehow gets creepier, and Trump/Omarosa still saying dumb shit. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Culture Wars

Stupidest Man On Internet Shitcans Stupidest White House Correspondent On Internet, For We Dunno Why

Door, ass, etc.

Poor Lucian Wintrich, the former "White House Correspondent" for the Gateway Pundit (for like three days) is no longer with the organization, according to a very vaguely-worded tweet by Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet. It's not yet clear when or why Wintrich left, although Jared Holt of Right Wing Watch was happy to suggest maybe it had something to do with his reporting on Wintrich's hanging out with a white nationalist dude and spouting racist pseudoscience on the radio. Of course, that would imply either Hoft or Wintrich is capable of feeling ashamed of that stuff.

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News

Peter Strzok Fired From FBI For Making President Babyshits Cry A Lot, We Guess

Is this normal? Or is this NOT NORMAL?

Remember a few weeks (months? years?) back, when we sat here at Wonkette and live-blogged congressional testimony from FBI agent Peter Strzok for ONE MILLION HOURS, and the biggest thing we learned that day is that Strzok was a badass, the very sort of person we want protecting America from bad guys and Hillary Clinton? We already knew -- because Fox News and Donald Trump have been yelling it at our faces for months -- that Strzok had make a real Stinky Boo Boo when he used his FBI phone to sext with the FBI lawyer lady he had been having an affair with, but there was no evidence that lapse in judgment had brought bias into his work leading the Hillary emails investigation and then the FBI's investigation into the Trump campaign's obvious criminal conspiracy with Russia to steal the election. The DOJ's inspector general agrees! And of course, special counsel Robert Mueller kicked Strzok off his investigation the second he learned about the Trump-hatin' sexts, to avoid even the appearance of bias.

In short, all the available evidence says Strzok did his job just fine, and that being creeped out by Donald Trump doesn't actually disqualify somebody from being a good FBI agent. Put it this way: everybody with a fucking brain hates Donald Trump, do you really want to fire EVERYBODY WITH A FUCKING BRAIN from the United States government?

Donald Trump does! And today, he has gotten his wish, because despite how the FBI's Office of Professional Responsibility only recommended that Strzok be slapped on the wrist and told No More Sexting With Government Phones, Strzok has been fired from the FBI. Don't you feel safer now?????

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Post-Racial America

Stephen Miller And Bob Goodlatte Suck, According To Their Families

There's one in every family.

Every happy family is unhappy in its own way -- although the families of Stephen Miller and Bob Goodlatte have a bit in common on that front this week!

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