Vatican Issues Clarification: Kim Davis Sucks And We Hate Her
Hi Kim Davis, bye Kim Davis!
What a whirlwind of emotions we have been feeling over Kim Davis's alleged sexxxytime religious freedom Tinder date with the pope! When the news first came out, we were like "NO WAY, the pope is not that much of A Idiot." We felt that way because A) Kim Davis's lawyers at the Liberty Counsel are known pathological liars; and 2. giving a martyrdom handjob to such a polarizing figure in America's culture wars doesn't seem to really be this pope's M.O., regardless of the fact that the Catholic Church's official doctrine is that gays are bad, and gays should feel bad. But then the Vatican sort of confirmed it! To be sure, it was more of a "we're not denying he met her" kind of confirmation, but just the same, it made us sadface.
But yr Wonkette has GOT to learn to trust our instincts, because the Vatican has issued another clarification, and it sounds like, SHOCKER, the pope didn't really have a "private meeting" with Kim at all! In fact, it sounds like Pope Nice-Nice (we can call him that again, right?) shook babies and kissed hands with a whole bunch of people, two of whom were Kim Davis and her husband, Otter Farts or whatever his name is. (His first name is Joe. His middle name is Otter Farts.) And did Pope tell Kim Davis that she was a freedom fighter for Jesus who shouldn't do her fucking job? Nah, probably not. Let's read the statement from Vatican spokesperson Rev. Federico Lombardi and giggle:
The brief meeting between Mrs. Kim Davis and Pope Francis at the Apostolic Nunciature in Washington, DC has continued to provoke comments and discussion. In order to contribute to anobjective understanding of what transpired I am able to clarify the following points:
Pope Francis met with several dozen persons who had been invited by the Nunciature to greet him as he prepared to leave Washington for New York City. Such brief greetings occur on all papal visits and are due to the Pope’s characteristic kindness and availability. The only real audience granted by the Pope at the Nunciature was with one of his former students and his family.
The Pope did not enter into the details of the situation of Mrs. Davis and his meeting with her should not be considered a form of support of her position in all of its particular and complex aspects.
VATICAN BURN! See, an "audience" is when you get to actually whisper things at the pope in private. Kim Davis did not have that. Because she's not important enough, and she sucks. This is like that thing when you're at a concert and Joey McIntyre reaches his hand out at the cheering fans and you knock all the 12-year-old girls out of the way to make sure he touches YOUR hand, not that yr Wonkette would know. MAYBE Kim got the pope's autograph. MAYBE. If so, it's only because the pope is just too nice for his own good.
Even better? Pope Francis regrets ever having laid eyes on that adulteress:
One Vatican official said there was "a sense of regret" that the pope had ever seen Kim Davis, a Kentucky county clerk who went to jail in September for refusing to honor a U.S. Supreme Court ruling and issue same-sex marriage licenses. [...]
Canadian priest Father Tom Rosica, laid the blame on the Vatican embassy in Washington, saying it had underestimated the impact of Davis's presence at the reception.
"I'm not sure that they (the embassy) realized how significant it would be," he told reporters.
Rosica said he did not believe the pope was even indirectly involved in inviting Davis, adding that the greeting was very brief and that she and her husband were among the many guests at the Washington embassy before the pope left for New York.
HAHAHA, another Liberty Counsel lie! See, they said the pope had TOTALLY direct messaged Kim on Christian Mingle (or whatever) and asked to meet her. NOPE.
Of course, Kim's lying liar lawyers say "NUH UH!"
"Neither Kim Davis nor Liberty Counsel ever said the meeting was an endorsement of her legal case," the law firm's founder, Mat Staver, said in a press release. "Rather, the meeting was a pastoral meeting to encourage Kim Davis in which Pope Francis thanked her for her courage and told her to 'Stay strong.' His words and actions support the universal human right to conscientious objection."
Oh no? They NEVER said that he was a Kim Davis fanboy? Well, they sure did imply it, by leaking a story about the pope inviting Kim Davis for a private meeting, where he told her to "stay strong." Maybe they should have clarified that Pope Francis meant she should stay strong in only the most general of terms! Maybe he heard she was having a hard time recruiting new husbands, and wanted her to stay strong in THAT fight.
Regardless, it sounds like Charlie Pierce's loony conspiracy theory -- that Vatican officials of the wingnut variety may have ratfucked Pope Francis -- might not be so loony after all!
If that's the case, sounds like the pope needs to start firing motherfuckers again.