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Vote Sex Trading: You Get What You Pay For

A Wonkette correspondent writes us about his frustrated quest to trade votes for sex: "Inspired by your post, I decided to see if there was an equivalent service for libertarians." We're going to stop right here for a second because there is something kind of great about the idea of a libertarian withholding sex from someone until they agree to vote for Michael Badnarik. Surely a libertarian could see that there's a more efficient model that would accomplish the same thing: Trading sex for not voting at all.


Anywho, our swinging freemarketer did not find "Fuck the Vote" site for libertarians. He did find LibertarianPassions.com, which brings us to our next point: Libertarians are not really ones to be making demands in this arena. We were almost laughing too hard to take this screenshot of the site's featured personals:

the_best_they_can_do

The two on the bottom could probably use sex to get someone to vote for, dunno, a Libertarian school board candidate. The other guy? It's not that he's unattractive, it's that he's frightening.

We should note that the services of LibertarianPassions.com are free. Guess some times the market does work.

[DISCLAIMER: Yes, hot libertarians do exist, we even know a few. Libertarians are mocked here for comedic purposes. No libertarians were harmed (badly) in the making of this comedy.]

LibertarianPassions.com: an online community for libertarian singles [LibertarianPassions.com]

Vote Sex Trading [Wonkette]

Vote Sex Trade: What Could Go Wrong [Wonkette]

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Blanket Disclaimer: Spitting on anybody is dead wrong. Even if it's a Trump.

Still, Eric Trump got to eat a tiny slice of the shit pie women, minorities, poors, disabled, and all of the other people who are deemed "takers" or who come from "shithole countries" experience at some point in their lives: He got spit on. By a woman, according to Breitbart (no link), because we are evil. Woe unto the wealthy white man! Wealthy white men are some of the most abused and marginalized people in the Universe, according to wealthy white men, and Eric Trump is no exception. Please cry for wealthy white men, ok you can stop now. Another group of Americans that are constantly abused, marginalized, and even denied their rights by the very same type of wealthy men that spawn such men as Eric Trump, are called "women." And apparently we are mean as fuck now.

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Well folks, we think we have a geopolitical relations first for an American president. We might need to consult with Doris Kearns Goodwin or Kevin Kruse, but we cannot recall a time one of America's purported enemies OR friends has called the president of the United States "retarded" or anything along those lines. We remember leaders hating American presidents. We remember them recoiling like UGH GET OFF ME when an American president tried to give them a friendly sensual love massage during the G8. We remember them literally attacking our democratic elections in order to prevent the inaugurations of potential presidents they despise and fear. But we don't remember anything like this.

President Hassan Rouhani of Iran, commenting on Donald Trump after the Trump administration threw some new sanctions at Iran on Monday:

Iran warned Tuesday that new U.S. sanctions targeting its supreme leader and other top officials meant "closing the doors of diplomacy" between Tehran and Washington amid heightened tensions, even as President Hassan Rouhani derided the White House as being "afflicted by mental retardation."

Here is the full quote, in case you were wondering if something was lost in translation, like that time Vladimir Putin called Trump "brilliant" and Trump was so excited he left a ring of orange jizz around the bathtub, but what Putin actually said in Russian more accurately translates as "colorful" or "shiny." There's no confusion here:

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