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This somewhat unconventionally coifed gentleman is David Lory VanDerBeek, Nevada's Constitution Party candidate for Governor in 2014. In addition to failing to win election to the U.S. Senate in 2012, he has posted several very long videos to YouTube, and we have watched two of them so you won't have to (we kind of gave up at the prospect of watching his Sandy Hook Truther video, however). In the video above, he explains that Barack Obama is exactly like Hitler, which he proves by explaining that Hitler did a number of things to seize and consolidate power in Nazi Germany, and then showing how all the things that Barack Obama is going to do real soon are exactly like what Hitler did. The parallels are uncanny. He prays that we can avoid the coming second civil war, but he has a gun and a stiffy just in case.


Mr. VanDerBeek is also rather certain that the brave stances he takes, such as being "the only major political leader in the U.S. willing to ask real questions about Sandy Hook" and standing up to the secret societies of the New World Order, place him in constant danger -- on his 2012 campaign website, he warns government intelligence agents who "monitor us for your masters" that they need to

go back and tell them we are not your slaves. Your reign of error is over. The day of the patriot is here. I am right here. You are used to killing men like me. Well, here I am and you will fail. You were failures from the beginning.

See? He loves America so much, so very much, that he is willing to sacrifice everything, because that's just what a good Mormon family man would do for his country.

He also wants to put a LOT of people in prison for treason, starting with Barack Hussein Obama of course, but also including "every Congress member ... that voted for the NDAA which was treason" as well as "Bilderberg, CFR, and Bohemian Grove," for a start (that promise is from a "meet the candidate" profile from the 2012 Senate race. He nevertheless received nearly 49,000 votes).

Mr. VanDerBeek believes that all terrorist attacks on the U.S. have been staged by the government so it can strip citizens of their rights. He believes that the TSA is exactly like the Gestapo, and as an example, he presents the story of Texas (yes, we know) State Troopers who performed a gross roadside cavity search on two women, as documented on Wonkette! He believes that, just as the Gestapo attracted sadists, modern law enforcement attracts a bunch of perverts, and the whole thing is just really enough to drive a good man to... to... to speak out so that he won't have to take drastic action:

I'm tying to be civil about this. I don't want to become a cold-blooded killer of police officers. I really don't want to do that.

We think that "I don't want to become a cold-blooded killer of police officers" would make an excellent campaign slogan.

Actually, it is almost touching how he appears to have just discovered -- during the Obama administration, coincidentally -- that law enforcement sometimes attracts sociopathic bullies, and that cops often cover up the misdeeds of other cops. Do you suppose he's heard about how self-aggrandizing narcissists with a tenuous grasp on reality often become perennial minor-party candidates who issue challenges to national leaders?

In this one, VanDerBeek lays out the innumerable (25) crimes for which Barack Obama must be tried, like BENGHAZIFASTANDFURIOUSACORNNDAA, plus the novel notion that lying about being the gay sekrit love child of Frank Marshall Davis is a criminal offense. Needless to say, he again recognizes the huge risk he is taking:

If I die standing up to you, it will not be meaningless... Maybe I'll be thrown in jail and no one will protest. Maybe I'll be murdered and no one will care.

Or maybe he'll make a bunch of long, incoherent videos that people will laugh at.

He also makes a pretty awesome campaign promise: When he is Governor of Nevada, he will give clemency and protection to any members of the Mafia who come forward with evidence of Obama's crimes. It's a start, right? Perhaps because he knows his audience, VanDerBeek takes an admirably strong stance against assassinating Barack Obama, mainly because he wants him to rot in jail for his treason, but also because Obama does not deserve to have the chance to be a martyr.

VanDerBeek builds to a peroration worthy of Obi-Wan Kenobi:

The longer you ignore me, the stronger I'll grow. The more you oppose me, the more you'll expose yourself. The more you hurt me, the more the American people will see you for the piece of gutter trash you are.

You will also be very, very surprised to learn that Mr. VanDerBeek is worried about flouride. And vaccinations. And chemtrails. But he does trust Dr. Jerome Corsi, PhD and Alex Jones.

It's almost as if a supercomputer took a compilation of the craziest stuff it could find and vomited out a synthetic, computer-generated simulacrum of a gubernatorial candidate, isn't it? That might explain the hair.

[YouTube]

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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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