WALNUTS! Promises Eternal War & Fed Control of Everything

He's not just a deranged old man -- he's a deranged old man who will likely be the Republican nominee next year, which means he and his co-president (Hillary, with Lieberman's still-jabbering head sewn to her neck) will usher in America's Last Days. An all-powerful yet utterly incompetent police state and massive bureaucracy will make sure you're unsafe around the clock, while WALNUTS! wears Napoleon costumes and orders the invasions of every country he's heard of, including Liechtenstein.

That's the only reasonable conclusion anyone could reach after finishing this long, disturbing Reason cover story on our nation's most demented Arizona retiree. We'll summarize, after the jump.

* McCain's long line of military ancestors have been involved in every American war since the Revolution. They have ensured that for over two centuries, America is always at war, somewhere, at home or abroad.

* For instance, his psychotic father was responsible for Nixon's illegal and immoral attacks on Cambodia.

* Daddy also invaded the Dominican Republic, because he spotted it on a fallen globe that rolled slowly past him while he was crawling across his office floor near-blinded by Scotch.

* Daddy McCain was also a beloved friend of Muslim dictators such as Indonesia's Suharto.

* Being the only national political figure other than Bush or Cheney to endorse the suicidal idiocy of sending more troops to Iraq when everyone else (including the Iraqi government) wants the U.S. troops gone has given our brave national media new reason to call McCain a "maverick."

* His two big idols -- Lincoln and Teddy Kennedy Roosevelt -- were warmonger lunatics who did nothing but start domestic and foreign wars. He wants to top them both.

* Like his father and grandfather, WALNUTS! is violent and stupid. Or, is known for a "violent temper" and "poor academic performance."

* Don't forget the "shame-wracked despair."

* Eventually, this Savings & Loan scandal would ruin McCain's chances for the military-presidency, but nobody really remembers the Keating Five and Cheney is probably going to nuke the St. Louis Arch or something to make sure McCain gets elected.

* The standard John McCain senate crusade involves "more government, even at the expense of the First Amendment."

* He's also trying to take away our precious Second Amendment freedoms to go to gun shows and buy a gun the way Americans are supposed to be able to buy guns.

* If you don't serve his military dictatorship, you are living a "half life," because "discreet individuals" are Enemies of the State.

* He usually loves gays -- what do you expect from an alcoholic playboy who gets divorced all the time? -- but will reliably campaign against gay rights if it means an expansion of federal government control over people's lives.

* Of course he's gonna nuke the shit out of Iran! (If there's any Iran or United States left to bomb by January 2009.)

* And remember, he was tortured. And you've got to love him because of it.

Be afraid of President McCain [Reason]


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