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Wanker At 30,000 Feet: United Airlines Sued After Letting Man Treat Aisle Seat As His Very Own Cockpit

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An 18 year old airline passenger issuing the pants off United Airlines after a flight crew took no action on her repeated complaints about a disgusting passenger who was "masturbating and exposing his penis" for "long periods" on a six-hour flight last October. Monica Amestoy, who was 17 at the time, is seeking damages for negligence, intentional infliction of emotional distress and false imprisonment. Yr Wonkette hopes that United is also found liable on grounds of Aggravated What the Fuck, Man? and recommends that everyone who ignored Ms. Amestoy's complaints is sent.enced to sit next to some sweaty wheezing guy in a cramped commuter jet. With a broken toilet. And seat-kicking toddlers behind them. Forever.


Amestoy's unwanted encounter with Luke Skywanker started shortly after takeoff as she was returning to Los Angeles after a high school debate tournament in New York. She was in an aisle seat, and Captain Joystick was in the seat immediately across the aisle.

"After the plane took off, the plaintiff saw to her horror that the male passenger directly across the aisle from her had exposed his penis and was masturbating. That passenger had stationed his airline blanket in a way that concealed his activities from other passengers on one side of him. His conduct was very visible to the plaintiff, however," the complaint states.

And yes, we did see that Amestoy is represented by Gloria Allred, who is a celebrity lawyer and all, but if this complaint is at all accurate, this case could be won by Lionel Hutz (the one on The Simpsons, not the one who'll be at the Seattle Drinky Thing tonight).

Amestoy complained to a flight attendant, who didn't speak to the man, but did stand "in the vicinity of the offending passenger," at which point he put his Piper Cub back in its hangar, only to resume high-speed taxiing when the flight attendant left to take care of other duties.

"Later during the flight, the plaintiff got up to use the restroom. On the way to the restroom, the plaintiff passed by the same flight attendant to whom she had complained, and the flight attendant asked if the perpetrator was still exposing himself. The plaintiff said that he was. The flight attendant then stated that the perpetrator's conduct was 'disgusting,' but took no other action. In particular, the flight attendant and/or crew took no action to relocate the plaintiff, to prevent the perpetrator from exposing himself or masturbating, or to report the offensive conduct to the flight deck," the complaint states.

So yeah: nobody at United Airlines assisted a seventeen year old girl who had to spend long portions of a six-hour flight sitting a couple feet away from an asshole who felt free to wave his dick at her, apparently in complete confidence that the cabin crew was too busy or too lacking in decency to stop him.

Oh, but surely someone from the airline at least called the police to meet the sicko at the gate? Hahaha, you have not been paying attention at all, have you? No, Amstoy says that

it was left to her father to report the incident to the police. The man was investigated, charged, and pleaded guilty to the alleged crimes, the complaint states.

But don't worry! A United flack contacted by Courthouse News wrote back to say, "The comfort and security of our customers is our top priority." That is a relief.

As for the unidentified masturbator -- why is he unidentified? Does Anonymous know about this yet? Dox him nao, pls! -- Wonkette sincerely wishes him nothing but deadstick landings for the rest of his life.

[Courthouse News]

It's time, Pacific Northwest Wonkers! Join Yr Doktor Zoom at the reader-organized Seattle Drinky Thing TONIGHT (Saturday, June 1) from 7 to ????? at The Blarney Stone in beautiful Downtown Seattle. Additional details at this linky. And then on Sunday, the embarrassing sideways photographs!

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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