Trust us, Washington Post, we know all too well the horror of sitting in front of your computer and realizing that you have infinite Internet space to fill and nothing to fill it with. In our case, it's because yet another morning is wearing on and the entire Republican leadership refuses to be caught blowing prostitutes in the men's room at Union Station. For the Post, though, it's probably because the people formerly paid to provide "content," by reporting and/or writing, have been fired or tasked to write test prep questions for Kaplan instead. So, why not just call up some conservative intellectuals who have no ties to actual elected officials, plus some Congressman, and ask them what the Republicans should do once they seize power, in their fantasy world? Sure, sounds great! Let's find out what's in store for us under President Romney, shall we?

  • Robert Stein is an economist and he is fucking tired of all the people who fail to reproduce getting all the benefits of other people's kids paying into Social Security and Medicare. SOLUTION: Raise the per-child tax credit from $1,550 to $4,000, and make up the difference by creating an income tax system with only two brackets -- 15 and 35 percent. All of you selfish hedonistic liberals who don't have kids because you still want to go to Arcade Fire shows when you're 40 will end up in that upper bracket, obviously!
  • Bradford Wilcox is a sociology professor at UVa and he is sad that marriage is down and divorce is up among the poors. (It's actually the other way around, among the few people left with real jobs!) SOLUTION: Start a government-funded PSA campaign along with "churches, the entertainment industry and other cultural institutions" to promote the idea that marriage is awesome. This already happened under Bush, of course, to great derisions (see photo). He also thinks we should stop focusing on this mushy "love" business and focus on marriage as a cold-blooded contract with economic benefits. And, like all economic contracts, it should be really, really hard to get out of!
  • Paul Ryan is an actual elected Congressman from Wisconsin! He remembers what a complete flop Bush's attempts to privatize Social Security was, even before everyone hated the Wall Street investment types who'd be managing said private accounts, so he wants to try it again, and also turn Medicare into a system based on "vouchers," which is a word that gives every Republican a massive boner.
  • This has been your report on important issues, from the Washington Post, American's greatest journalistic enterprise/SAT tutoring service. [WaPo]

    Cheeky poster courtesy Flickr user larsicus.


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